Utah Trip

I'm in Utah right now. I took a trip with 4 friends. We drove all the way from San Jose to Utah to visit the national parks here. We've been to Arches National Park, Capital Reefs National Park and Cayonland National Park. It's a good trip. We hiked about 10 miles yesterday, and it was a tough hike. It's freezing here. And I'm very tired now, will write down some interesting stuff happened during the trip later after I go back home.

Delicate Arch

人生如画

你说，你的人生就像一幅油画。婴儿时期的人生，只是一块雪白的画布，没有任何色彩。随着年龄的增长，画布上的颜色也越来越多起来。黄色是快乐，蓝色是平淡，绿色是安宁，紫色是忧郁，灰色是伤心... 每一种颜色都代表一种心情，每天你都会在自己的画布上添上一笔。少时多是鲜艳的颜色，因为那时，你没有太多烦恼，总是快乐的过着每一天。可是如果只是单一快乐的颜色，画并不会好看，因为颜色也是需要相辅相成的，有快乐的颜色，也一定要有忧伤的颜色来衬托。随着长大，烦恼也逐渐增多，画布上也时不时地出现灰紫的颜色。画面也越来越丰富，人生也越显越成熟。

我说，我希望我的人生是一幅水墨画，只有黑白两色。因为，我希望我的生活越简单越好，只有快乐和不快乐。快乐是白色，不快乐是黑色。而水墨画总是在一张大大的白色宣纸上寥寥勾画几笔。我希望我的人生就像水墨画一样简单，清爽，却不失飘逸，俊秀，偶有忧郁，但更多快乐！

冬至

雨停了两天，又在今天的午后淅淅沥沥的下了起来。马上就要过圣诞节了，公司的同事一个个离开去度假了，偌大的office building里空空荡荡得很是安静。到处是过节的气氛，收音机里永不停歇的播放着圣诞歌曲，街上，shopping mall前彩灯亮得耀眼，办公桌上也堆满了糖果... 可是我却没有任何过节的心情。最近心情比较乱，有很多思绪需要去理清楚，可又不知该从何下手。

为什么人总是渴望得不到的，却从不珍惜在手的，总是在失去后才觉得曾经拥有的是宝贵的，才觉得后悔莫及？是因为在手的总是得来太容易吗？

人和人之间的关系真是脆弱而又微妙。在爱的时候可以将自己全盘交出，因为有着那份信任和信念在支撑着，可一旦受到伤害后，剩下的只是冷漠和怀疑。从信任到怀疑只是一小步，可要从怀疑回到信任也许要花上一辈子。所以一定要珍惜别人对你的信任，万不可利用或滥用信任；否则伤害的可能不只是别人，也有可能是你自己。如果有误会一定要解释清楚，不要因为一时的气盛而伤害了感情...

今天是冬至，我的朋友对我说冬至应该吃汤圆。汤圆汤圆，团团圆圆，可是我又和谁团圆呢？

How will the story end?

It's late now. I'm still at work. Don't feel like doing anything, just sitting here listening to Yiruma. Yiruma's music always makes me feel sad, but at the mean time, I feel peaceful, feel like I want to write something. But my mind is unclear, and I can't find a way to organize it. Often I think I'll just write it down; I'll write down my story, write down the good and the bad. Then I'll just put it in the closet and go on with my life. And maybe one day when I am really old, I'll take it out and read it, what will I feel at that time? Will I still cry, maybe I will be too old to cry; maybe my body will be so dry that it doesn't contain tear any more. Will I still feel the same way as I feel now? Maybe I'll just tell myself, how silly you are when you are at that age, how immature you are when you deal with feelings at that time; maybe I'll just laugh at myself. But still, I want to write it down, no matter what happened, I want to remember it.

Wondering how the story will end? Good story always has a sad ending, is this a good story? Maybe when I start to write, it will have its own life, it will know what the end will be like, will it?

一篇小说的旅程 (ZT)

一篇小说的旅程



几年前我在寂寞的旅途上，怀想一件旧事。一路上我都在思索着一个人，以及关于她种种索人费解的事情。许多不可名状而恼人的情思，驱赶着我从一个地方辗转到另一个地方，使那段漫长的旅程变得益加疲惫而落寞。于无比的困顿之中，我来到一个海滨城市，我决定住下来。我对那城市一无所知。那里没有我认识的人，也没有人认识我。我想，这样一个陌生的城市，一个跟现在和过去都隔绝的地方，应该很适合我捡拾自己的心情，整理一下过去。我告诉自己，我需要好好把过去梳理一遍，想清楚后，也许我便可以同那一段往事告别了。

我在濒海的一家酒店找到了一间顶楼的房间。那楼很高，是个圆柱形的建筑，隔街过去就是海水浴场。房间面向大海，弧形的落地窗视野极为开阔，将整个海湾尽收眼底。那天早上十点左右，我起来将窗帘拉开，站在窗前，慢慢地喝一杯咖啡，一边俯瞰着一望无际的海面。脑子里面仍然糊里糊涂，冥冥中总好像有一件事情没有完成，让我不得安宁。这时候太阳照在我的脸上，有一种明亮的清爽。我突然就明白了，我需要写一篇小说，这样我便能够把过去的路重新走一遍，也可以将一路上匆忙遗落的时光捡回来；或许通过这种方式，往昔的音容笑貌可以重现，而我也终于能够明了其中的因果。于是我将笔记本打开，面朝大海开始写作。

我试图写一个关于寻找的故事，故事中的主人公是我早前遇到的一个女孩子。那个女孩和我没来由地相遇，相见恨晚，一度很亲近。后来她走了，走得很匆促，没有多说，也不惶解释，无声无息便消失在人海里。这样一种仓惶的分手，给我留下了太多的疑问，许多话还来不及说，也有许多事情未及问，这一段过往因之变得闪闪烁烁，不明不白。我总是觉得，在我们中间，曾经有过一点什么，发生过一些事情，可是又总是朦朦胧胧，象雾里看花，既捉摸不住，也看不真切，似乎一切都没有发生，也未曾存在。而关于她，我好像有满肚子的话要说，却又说不出来；或许我曾经离她很近，一切便变得不准确，使我不知道说什么好。我只感到那是个象荧光一样的女子，就象雾气弥漫的夜晚，树丛里遥遥的一只日光灯；或者是雨霁后的月亮，迢迢地隐在轻云那一端。

我便常想，她到底是谁？是怎么样的一个人？她最终要去哪里？ 然而这一切都是无法破解的谜语，象一把沉重的锁，关闭了通向过去之门。我的思考及回忆每到这门前，就象遭遇了一道断层，变得恍恍惚惚，扑朔迷离。

我在那城市度过了一个星期。白天大多的时候都是坐在写字台前，看着窗外湛蓝的海，回忆着往昔的一点一滴。但是我的写作进行得很不顺利，脑子里依旧是一团乱麻，理不清楚。于是我打开门，让自己象一片浮沫，飘荡在这个城市熙攘的人海之中。我徜徉于大街小巷，几乎走遍了整个城市，并不说话，只静静地观看，静静地思想。我的心情，也如那城市夏日海边的风，软软的懒。

每天晚饭后我都去海边的一个广场，捱到夜深，独自看苍茫的海。四顾也无人，倒仿佛我成了那城市的守更人。很远的海面上有游船驻锚，舷上的灯光在水中潋滟，飘飘摇摇有如离人的眼眸。待到夜深，那灯便一盏一盏熄灭，好比人已经离去。偶尔不知道什么地方，老远地就传来一声悠长的汽笛，让人不由得转过头去寻找，把心也连带着漂浮在那一眼看不到边的黑暗远方。于是心中陡然就多了一种漂泊的感触，有岁月流逝的怅惘，人生无常的寥落。往事也如一串幻灯片，在幽幽的海面上忽隐忽现，清晰而又断续。挟带着我的心思，在那个陌生的城市里，有一下没一下地明暗。

等到午夜过后，我便去一家很小的网吧上网。它在一道山岗之上，一间骞促的房间，五、六台机器，键盘磨损到认不出字迹。这个不知名的地方，不会有人留意，也乏人问津。每天我都要的同一台机器，远程登录到美国的伺服器，处理一天的电邮。这个小小的网吧，成了我和我原来世界的纽带，也成为我回到现实的窗口。夜总是很静，往往只有我一个客人，陪着昏昏欲睡的主人。临走时，我照例要回头看一眼这个小店，那台阶上方有一盏日光灯，影影绰绰的，掩映在松林之中，看去象朦朦胧胧的往事。门外有几盆茉莉，淡淡的花香传得很远，迷茫得让人心痛。

我的小说在那个城市悄悄地开了个头，踉踉跄跄地还来不及走远，就随着我轻轻地拎着自己的心，离开了。我去的时候不认识任何人，到走的时候也没有结识任何人；最大的收获，是我在那个城市不为人知的一个角落，把心里面积存很久的事情悄悄地开掘出来，摊在明晃晃的太阳底下，细细地检阅。后来我去过很多地方，都是非常遥远、人迹罕至的地方。我把那故事带在身边，一边思索，一边继续着那小说，日积月累，一点一点就写得很长，但却一直没有写完。因为那故事也象有了它自己的生命，不断地成长丰富，也不断地起着变化。最出乎意料的一幕，是当我终于构思好结尾的时候，里面的主人公却以最料想不到的方式，再一次出现在我的视线中。

那已经是几年后的事情了，是个晚秋日子，树上的叶子已经泛黄，天色于晦暗中透着澄明。那个女孩从人丛中径直走过来，定定地站在我前面，说：是我。你的眼睛告诉我，你还记得我的。然后她拿过我的手，将手放进我的手心，眼睛直直地看着我的眼睛，轻声地说：我知道你在找我。都过去好几年了，现在我来到你的身边，我想看看你。她的声音有些沙哑，但是那眼睛里没有任何歉然，也找不到一丝忧伤，有的，只是一片稳稳妥妥的诚恳。

她就是这么一个人。来了，又去了，总是没有任何预兆，也从来不打招呼。来的时候惊鸿照影，去的时候水过无痕，象精灵一般翩然，象谜一样神秘。这样的一个人，这样的一件事，让我迷惑，也让我思考。

如果我们生存的世界的确是尼采眼中的世界，如果我们生命的每一个瞬间都会经历永劫回归这一无穷重复的过程，那么一次性发生的事件，一次性消失的生活，譬如惊鸿一瞥的邂逅，譬如昙花一现的美丽，都对我们的人生没有任何意义，象影子一样没有份量。这样的事件，尚未开始就已经结束，也就等于从未发生，从未出现。设若如此，我的小说便是毫无意义的浪费生命，它早应该结束，或者干脆就不该开始。然而，我如何才能判定，我所面对的事情，在漫长的未来不再重演？

因而这小说始终不能完成；因为里面的故事迟迟不肯结束，而且似乎永不会结束。我最终放下笔，也放弃了我的思考和尝试，不再探究它的根源，也不再追索它的去向。我一直认为，我连年的旅途都是一个寻找的过程。但是我越来越弄不清楚，到底是在寻找那个似真似幻的影子，还是在寻找失落的自己，或者我的寻找已经没有任何具体的意义，而仅仅是一个象征，一种寄托？我试图接受一种新的人生态度：大概世界上许多事情都没有答案，也没有结果，人生尤是；也许，寻找本身就是生命的目的，而寻找的结果只能是新的一轮追寻。我想这样也好，世事不尽完美，人生诚多遗憾。在一个风流云散的年代，在一个永劫回归的世界，一切都是瞬息，一切都将过去，No time is a good time for goodbye，no ending can be a good ending。

而我们，只是大地与时间的匆匆过客，光阴长河里面的一个水分子，随时可以蒸发，随时可以消逝，微不足道，渺不可言。

可不是吗，你看，眼睁睁地，一年又奄奄地过去了。我甚至不知道，我所忆念的那个人，我小说中那个梦幻一般的影子，是否能读到我此刻的心情。但是她应该知道，那漫天的灯火中，还有那寒夜沁凉的空气里，都有我遥远但真切的祝福。我的小说途经之处，都为她种植着祈愿的常春藤。那四季常青的植物，不会发声，也不懂得分说，只默默地生长，长出世间温柔的怜悯和由衷的期许。

It's my birthday today!

Life is such a joke. The people you care the most always hurt you the worst. In this world, nobody you can really rely on, you can only rely on yourself.

It's my birthday today, and I'm on myself again. It's really painful; you don't feel anything except for the pain inside of your heart. Pain overflows, spreading to your whole body. You feel so helpless, but no one can give you a hand, no one you can talk to, you can do nothing except for crying. How useless you are! You are afraid, you are afraid that the tear will never stop, you are afraid it will dry your body, you are afraid of what is going to happen tomorrow. All your hopes are gone with the pain, the pain just eats your heart little by little, and your heart becomes more and more empty.

I drank a lot at my Birthday party hold by my friends. I used ice pack to ice my swollen eyes for long time before I went to the party, I don't think anyone can tell that I cried so much before the party. I put on makeup and sexy clothes to the party. My friends complimented me. I took all the drinks they bought me -- sangria, tequila shot, beer, B52, purple hooters, whatever has alcohol in it, I just drank bottom up. I wanted to get drunk, but weird, I didn't. I got buzzed, but I was not drunk, I still remembered what happened, and I could still control myself not to cry in front of my friends, I was still sober! I tried to have as much fun as I could, I asked each of my guy friends to give me a lap dance, and I laughed so loud, I looked so happy. I tried to convince myself what so big deal, but there is so much desperation and emptiness in my voice, because my happiness has been taken away.

I made my birthday wish. My friends tried to guess what it is, they never got even close.

I'm one year older now. It's not a good feeling to be one year older at my age now. Last year was a bad year to me; I had some happiness but more suffering. I hated my life. I hope I'll have a new life from today. I wish I will not be gullible any more so that I won't be easily hurt by people. I wish I can be as strong as what I thought of myself. I wish I'll have a simple happy life from now on. I wish...

Stop crying...

Who needs more money?

I just bought an Ipod Video for myself as X'mas gift. I was thinking of buying Ipod nano before, it's very small and light, but not big enough storage for me. I need to use it to store my pictures so that I don't have to carry my laptop with me everywhere I travel. Luckily, not long after nano came out, Ipod released this new product -- Ipod video. It's thin, light, good looking, big size screen, and the space can go up to 60G, which is perfect for what I need, even though I finally decided to go for the 30G one. 1G a day, I can store pictures for about a couple of weeks on the road, and still have enough space for some music, maybe a little video. :)

Besides Ipod, I just realized that there are so many things I need to buy -- I need to buy some accessories for my new Ipod, such as a good looking case, docking station etc; I also need an external hard drive to store all the pictures and music, right now my laptop space is almost full with those; a very small compact digital camera, so that I can take it into my small purse when I dress pretty and go out at night, then I need to get 1G SD card for it... So many things!

I was chatting with my friend J the other day, she asked me that how come I never go shopping with them. All my girl friends go shopping for clothes, shoes or purses almost every weekend. She asked me whether I am saving money for something. Well, I think that's part of the reason, and I prefer shopping for clothes myself most of the time, 'cause I can really take time to look for what I like and try it on. Also, if I go with other girls, I may end up buying something which I don't really like only because other girls think it's good on me or tell me it's worth to buy because it's on big sale ... Anyway, while I was chatting with her, I was thinking, geeeze, girls need a lot more stuff than guys. Girls spend a lot more money on clothes, pretty dress, purses, shoes and cosmetics than guys do, and we also need to buy electronic gadgets like guys need. There are much more places we need to spend money, but we don't get as much pay as guys do. Then J said:” No, it's not true! Guys spend more money than girls! Guys need to pay for girls!!!" Ha, exquisite! But it doesn't apply to me! :P I buy for myself, just need some excuse when I spend money, such as X'mas gift for myself, my Birthday gift, or something like I lost a few pounds -- eating ice cream is a reward. :P

Nepenthe

My bubble world finally broke. All the colorful imaginations fell into small pieces; my heart is falling with them, trying to catch all the pieces in vain. It tried so hard, but the piece it caught has already turned into grey color. My heart kept falling, there is no end, and there is no place it can rest, so tired.

I heard that 70% of human's body is water. I think at least 5% of the water is tears. I'm 3% less weight than what I was yesterday morning. Crying probably is a good solution to loose weight. Just need to remember, eat less salt, 'cause tear is really bitter.




If you have a potion of Nepenthe, will you drink it? I always thought that I won't. Whatever I went through or am going through is my own life experience, it helps me to grow. But sometime, maybe a little potion can make things a lot easier...

Badminton Badminton Badminton

Hmmm, I haven't updated my blog for a while. What have I been doing these days besides working, eating and sleeping? Practicing badminton.

Yeah, I'm really into badminton now. I played 3 times last week, Wednesday lunch time, Wednesday night and Sunday afternoon. I went to practice last night again, I'm sore everywhere now. But it's a good workout for me. :)

It all started the first time I played with my co-workers. I did so horrible, everybody beats me. I got 0-15 when I played with B for single game. I don't like to be beaten; I need to have my revenge game sometime soon.

That reminds me of how I started to play ping-pong at work. When I first started to play PP, I was very bad, I can't serve, I can't smash, and I can't even return any spin ball. I probably was the worst player in the team back then. But I enjoyed the game and I like to be competitive. So I practiced and asked all the better players to play with me. I didn't have good PP skill, so I worked on strategy, playing with brain, trying to hit the ball to the unexpected corner so that it's hard for my opponent to return. I practiced a lot and I got better and better, then I started to beat one by one. It was like in a video game, I played with a good player, and I beat him. Then I went to challenge the better player, I beat him... Finally I beat the best player in the team at that time, and won my PP champion title.

I guess I have that competitive side in me since I was young. I remembered that when I was in the second year in high school, we had a math quiz in the beginning of the semester. I failed the quiz and only got 45, the lowest score in the class. I was shocked by myself; my math teacher was shocked too. My math teacher came to talk to me, I felt so embarrassed that I just kept crying. Then I made up my mind to study really hard on math. From then on, for all the quizzes, I never had a score below 90, no matter how many students failed those quizzes. In the last year of high school, I was one of the two students who represented my high school to compete in the Shanghai high school students’ math competition. And I got 3rd rank.

It's the same thing in badminton game. I know I'm not as good as the other people, so I need more practice; I need to work hard on my skill and foot works. And I really enjoy playing it. Hopefully, I’ll get a lot of improvement and have my revenge game in a few months. :P

Halloween party

Fall is leaving. Orange color everywhere, it's Halloween again. I decided to join the company's Halloween party this year, the biggest question is what to wear? I have been an Indian girl, and a Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon girl in the past years, what should I be this year?

Costume contest is always fun, fun to watch, more fun to participate. You can see all kinds of costumes, cheap, fancy, funny, creative, good or bad. I have a skeleton costume at home, but I decided to go a little sexy. :P Cow girl seems a good idea, I have the whole outfit -- jean shirt, jean skirt, fancy belt, boots and cow boy hat, and I even have a handcuff. So I tried out my clothes at home Saturday. I put everything on, and looked into the mirror, hmmmm, not too bad, and the best part about this outfit is that it's ZERO cost! :D No need to spend extra money on costume. I even found a handkerchief to put on as a mask, so I can look like a western gangster. But I need a gun to look like a real gangster. So over the weekend, I went everywhere looking for a cowboy gun with holster, but unluckily, I cannot find any. It's sold out in Halloween store and all the other toy stores don't carry toy guns any more. :( So I have to be a gangster without a gun.

I went to work this morning with my whole cow girl outfit, I even put on my real leather jacket. I'm an Asian Cow girl gangster -- or whatever I look like. Then I started to chat with my co-worker V, luckily, she said her son may have a toy gun, and her hubby is going to meet her for lunch, so I borrowed a toy gun from her son, which made me look like a real gangster. :)

I went to the costume contest. I was a little disappointed that not many people dressed up, but there were some very cool costumes. Lots of kids were running around in their costumes, little spider man or fairies. Every kid is getting a 7 (full score) from the judges. Dan dressed up like a cow boy, and he has some really cool gadgets -- a nice cow boy gun with holster, real spurs he just got in today by mail, and nice cow boy hat. Since he got the real spurs, he gave me his toy ones. So I even have a pair of spurs on my boots, I felt more and more like a real cow girl gangster. :P But when Dan went on to the stage, I heard someone is asking how come he worn the same outfit as last year. Geeeze, do people really remember what costumes other people wear every year?

My favorite one is the guy as the little red riding hood. He is hilarious, he has beard and moustache, but wearing a red cape with black skirt and a basket. When it’s his turn to show off his costume, he just hopped on to the stage, and went to give the judges bribes -- cookies from his basket. So he got 7 from all the judges. This really is -- 拿人家手短，吃人家嘴短。


My Costume

Choice

The hardest thing in the world is to make a choice, because you know there is no second chance, and you never know whether the other way is better. Life is cruel, it only goes forward, you make your choice, don't ever regret it, 'cause life will never turn back for you.

There was one time; I thought I have found what I have been looking for. I was happy. Now I realized that I just live in the bubble world I build up for myself. I believe in whatever I want to believe in. All the beautiful colors in the bubble are just reflection of my imagination. Now the bubble starts to leak, shrink, the color has faded. Shall I just break it and jump out? It will be hard, my body still wants to hang on within it, still wants to believe what's in the bubble is real life. Will it ever be real?

I hate to make choice, I have made so many choices in my life, and it gets harder and harder. I wish that my life can be much simpler. I thought I had a simple happy life in my bubble, yet, only in the bubble.


Crater Lake

Am I not good enough?

Life gets really hard after certain age. Before, I always think I have a good life, a smooth life. There was never any hardship in my life; I can achieve whatever the goal I set for myself, but not any more.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up, because my mom can't give me whatever I asked for. So I always thought that if I grow up, I can get whatever I want. I seldom cried when I was a kid, even when I watched the saddest movie. I was called cold hearted in my family. I was too naive and way too immature back then, my life was too good, I didn't have any bad experience, so I cannot understand what the movie tried to tell me. But as getting older, life gets harder and harder. I found out that there are so many things I wish to have but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I guess it's fate, if it belongs to you, it will come to you by itself, you don't even need to go look for it. But if it doesn't belong to you, even you spend all your money, energy, emotion; it's still beyond your reach. I cried more often now, because I started to taste the hardship in life more often. Because there are more things I want to get but I cannot. Because life is not as smooth as I imaged before.

Maybe I'm not good enough for what I want. Maybe I'm too immature to ask for what I want.

Sometime, life is just so sad and frustrating.

Life is hard

Heaven

Heaven

It's been a year daddy
I really really miss you
Mommy says your safe now
In a beautiful place called heaven*

Oh I'm thinking about our younger years

*We had your favorite dinner tonite*

there was only you and me

*I ate it all up*

We were young and wild and free

*Even though I don't like carrots*

Now nothing can take you away from me

*I learned how to swim this summer*

We've been down that road before

*I can even open my eyes*

But that's over now

*While I'm under water*

You keep me coming back for more

*Can't you see me?*

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I started kindergarten this year*

Love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*I carry a picture of us
In my Blue's Clues lunchbox*

Oh once in your life you find someone

*You are the greatest daddy*

Who will turn your world around
Pick you up when you're feeling down
Now nothing can change what you mean to me

*I can swing on the swing by myself*

There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now

*Even though I miss you pushing me*

Cause our love will light the way

*Can't you see me?*

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I miss how you used to tickle me*

And love is all that I need

*Tickle my belly*

And I found it there in your heart

*My belly hurts*

It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*I try not to cry*

I've been waiting for so long

*Mommy says it's okay*

For something to arrive
For love to come along

*I know you don't like it when I cry*

Now our dreams are coming true
Through the good times and the bad

*You never wanted me to be sad*

I'll be standing there by you

*I try Daddy but it hurts*

Baby you're all that I want

*Is it true you're not coming home?*

When you're lying here in my arms

*Maybe someday*

I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I can visit you in heaven, okay?*

And love is all that I need
And I've found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*It's time for me to go bed now
I sleep with the light on
Just in case you come home
And kiss me good night
I love you so much
I miss you Daddy*



She tried not to cry, I cried.

Parents are the only people who love you and care for you unconditionally; they are the only people you can fully rely on. They are your shelter when you get hurt outside the home; they always try to protect you even though it's your time to take care of them now. I remembered my dad once told me that no matter what happened, I can just go back to China, go home, and go to them.

Cherish what we have right now. Don't wait till we loose the most precious thing/person in the world, then regret that there are so many things we didn't do when we had chance, that there are so many words we didn't say when we had time. Life is short, cherish every moment.

High Maintainence

I was having dinner with a friend yesterday. We were chatting about relationship during dinner. And he said that girls like me (basically intelligent, humorous, attractive ... :P thanks for putting me into this category) are high maintenance. I was trying to argue with him that I'm not high maintenance. I said I don't buy brand named clothes or purses, I don't have to use the top class cosmetics, and actually I haven't been shopping for clothes for about half a year, and I don’t wear any jewelry at all. But then he explained that the kind of high maintenance for me is not materialized. Girls like me need lots of TLC (tender, love, care), we are emotional high maintenance.

I tried to argue, but I stopped myself before I started to say anything. I was thinking, yeah, I do need lots of attention from the people I care. If I’m in a relationship, I do need lots of touchy or kiss from the person I love. I like to be hugged; I like to hold hands while walking on the street. I like to hear sweet words; I like to receive flowers even there is no special occasion… In this sense, I AM a high maintenance girl.

But who is not? I think in a relationship, everyone is high maintenance. And everyone needs to be emotionally highly maintained. I like to be taken care, and I like to take care of the people I love. I like to express my love when I also know that I can get love in return. Emotion or love is the most fragile thing in the world, it just requires high maintenance.


Red Leaves

Tired

I was lying on my couch for almost 3 hours without moving much. I feel so tired today. My whole body sores from neck to feet. My heart is also very tired, and the heart beating seems to have used all the strength left in my body. I'm so tired but I don't want to sleep. I started to listen to Yiruma again, a little depressed today.

Fall @ Oregan Cave


Keep falling down
-- Sissel

I'm all alone in the rainfall
I hear my name call
I look up but there's no one around

The sky is wild
And the wind blows
I'm out my window
Trying to fly
But I keep falling down

-Chorus-
I will never have that dream again
If I do I'll just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
'till the end of time

I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down

The blinding light silhouettes me
I try to get free
So I run, but I keep falling down

-Chorus-
I will never have that dream again
If I do I just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
To the end of time

And every night
I close my eyes
I hear the voices calling
Don't try to hide
Don't try to fight
It's only sleep
It's just a dream
And your not falling

I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down

Half A World Away

Half A World Away
(Secret Garden)

You're half a world away
Standing next to me
It seems that everyday
I'm losing you almost invisibly
Though you are near
I can't reach that far
Across to where you are
And so you stay
Just half a world away

And I would cross the universe for you
What good would it do if you weren't even there?
'Til you return, until your way is clear
I will be here, not half a world away

You're half a world away
And no one is to blame
If love outlives its day
And turns into an ember from a flame
I love you as before
'Til worlds will be no more
'Til I can find a way
To where you stay
Just half a world away

You're half a world away

Half a world away



Which one is sadder? A couple stays together, but they don't love each other any more, or two people truly love each other, but cannot stay together?

鱼的悲哀就在于
看到了大海，
却没有办法游过去
人的悲哀就在于
看到了结果
却没有办法说服自己
去面对。

-- The grief of a fish is that
the ocean is right in front of its eyes
but it cannot embrace it

The grief of a person is that
he already knows the ending
but he cannot persuade himself to face it.



The song can be also downloaded from here.

Pingpong champion

We just hired this new guy called K a month ago. It's funny when our director introduced him to everyone. In my team, we have the tradition that all new comers need to write something about themselves for the introduction. And the director will read it out during the team all hands meeting. So on that day when the director J introduced K, he was saying that K did this and that before and for sports, K likes to play Ping-Pong. Since I'm the Ping-Pong champion in the team, when he mentioned that K plays PP, everyone was turning their head to look at me (I was sitting in the back of the conference room.) I felt very embarrassed with so many eyes on me, so I just waved my arm and said "Hi, I also play PP!" to K. Then the director continues to read that K is ready to kick somebody's ass. Then everyone was saying "wooooooo" and turned around and looked at me again. Yeah, I'd better buy some butt pad then.

So K has been here for a month now, and I haven't played with him. In Chinese, there is an idiom, 知己知彼，才能百战百胜, which means that you can only beat your opponent if you know your opponent very well. So I went to chat with him, asking him whether he plays in the table tennis club, how long he has been playing, whether he has a rank, and what kind of paddle he uses. And sadly found out that he seems a very good player. My butt started to feel pain now.

Two weeks ago, K came by saying lets play Friday afternoon. I said ok. So that Friday, I played a little with him, I think he wanted to know how I play too, so we didn't play any games. And of course, as usual, I was wearing my skirt and high heels. He is GOOD! He can return most of my smashes, and he has good backhand. After one hour hitting back and forth, plus running left and right, I got a blister on my toe. That never happened before no matter how high my heels are. So he is GOOD!

Finally, last Friday, we decided to play games. I was fully prepared, I had new rubber on my paddle, and I was wearing my tennis shoes. But he is GOOD, so I still lost. We played 4 games, and I only won one game, though the scores for all the games are very close between me and him.

Therefore, I have to give up my Ping-Pong champion title. :( Well, since the score is not that far apart, I think if I have more practice, I still have a chance to gain it back! Good luck to me!



window, shadow

When you are old

When You are Old
-- William Butler Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And, nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep.

How many loved your moments of glad grace
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountain overhead
And his face amid a crowd of stars.

New Mexico -- Go Home

July 9th, 2005

Today is the last day in New Mexico. We're going to head back to San Jose in the afternoon.

BL got up very early in the morning and took the car to next door for window repair. I went to hotel lobby to check email. Then I suddenly found out that instead of Alamo, I actually booked the car from enterprise-rent-a-car. That's why Alamo can't find our record from their database, what a joke!

After a couple of hours, BL took the car back. Except for the tape around the windshield, it looked exactly like before.

Since we still have the whole morning, we drove around Santa Fe and went to visit Santa Fe art museum. After lunch, we were on the way back to Albuquerque airport. We stopped by gas station right before the airport, filling in the gas and peeling off the tape from the windshield. Then we drove to the car rental place, the guy came to check the mileage and he looked around the car. We were so nervous, but he didn't find out anything, Phew! :P Then we happily walked away and took the shuttle to the airport, by then we had enough time to get on the plane. When we got to the airport, ready to check in, I suddenly found out that we lost one bag, which has the e-tickets information and the books BL borrowed from library. BL hurried back to the car rental place, in the mean time, I called the car rental company and asked them whether they found the bag. Luckily, the bag was found and returned to the front desk already. Then I called BL again, telling him to go to the front desk directly to get the bag. Then he called me back from there to tell me the e-tickets confirmation number. I checked in for both of us at the airport. He came back; we barely have enough time to get on to the plane.

After transferring, some delay, we finally got back to San Jose sound and safely. J and W picked us up, and we went directly to P's party. Yeah, Saturday, party night, back to normal life!

Thinking of the whole journey, there are so many things happened:
1. I left tripod and jacket in Vegas; luckily, J took them back for me.
2. We rent the wrong car. :P
3. Crackle on windshield, we had to fix it before we returned the car.
4. I lost my new bracelet.
5. We forgot the bag, and had to go back to the car rental place to pick up, almost missed the plane.
6. I lost my best collection of CDs in Vegas. I left in the rental car, and my friends forgot to pick it up for me. All my most favorite original CDs!!! :((

But still, I really enjoy the trip! I took many beautiful pictures! If I have a chance, I still want to go back to New Mexico again!


Santa Fe

New Mexico -- Taos (3)

July 8th, 2005

In front of St. Jerome Chapel


The present San Geronimo, or St. Jerome, Chapel was completed in 1850 to replace the original church which was destroyed in the War with Mexico by the U.S. Army in 1847. That church, the ruins still evident on the west side of the village, was first built in 1619. It was then destroyed in the Spanish Revolt of 1680 but soon rebuilt on the same site. St. Jerome is the patron saint of Taos Pueblo.

Ruins from the original church


During the war, the army locked hundreds of local Indians in the church and burned the church. All the people who died in the fire were buried next to the church. The church ruin then became the grave yard for local Indians.

Graveyard


The grave yard is still used today. If a local Indian dies, he/she will still be buried here with his/her ancestors. But the grave yard size is limited, so locals will take out some crosses and bury the new body in the same spot. You can see the crosses piling up by the corner of the wall in the "Ruins from the original church" picture, those are all the crosses which are taken out from the grave yard.

Waiting ...


How can people treat life like dirt? How can they just burn so many people to death? People's lives are precious. We should always cherish our lives. But some people seem not to care about a life at all. I read some news online about current college students in China. Some students just suicide because they cannot get used to the college life, because they have never lived on their own before. I feel like our education system is a big failure. They teach students how to get a high score to go to college, but don't teach any student how to be a successful human being, how to live a real life. Life doesn't just belong to ourselves, we also carry responsibilities. Life doesn't just compose of studying either, there are so many things we need to do. We need to be responsible to the people who give our lives, to the people who love and care about us. Things are always easy for the dead people, but hard for the people who need to deal with it. How can a person just be so selfish, discarding all the responsibility he/she carries on and leaving the world, leaving the people who care about him/her?

New Mexico -- Taos (2)

July 8th, 2005

Taos Indian Pueblo

I was very excited to see Indian Pueblo. I saw so many nice pictures about it from the tourist book, finally I can take my own pictures.

Indian Pueblo (I)


The Pueblo is made entirely of adobe -- earth mixed with water and straw, then either poured into forms or made into sun-dried bricks. The walls are frequently several feet thick. The roofs of each of the five stories are supported by large timbers -- vigas -- hauled down from the mountain forests. Smaller pieces of wood -- pine or aspen latillas -- are placed side-by-side on top of the vigas; the whole roof is covered with packed dirt. The outside surfaces of the Pueblo are continuously maintained by replastering with think layers of mud. Interior walls are carefully coated with thin washes of white earth to keep them clean and bright. The Pueblo is actually many individual homes, built side-by-side and in layers, with common walls but no connecting doorways.

Indian Pueblo (II)


In the earlier days, there were no doors or windows and entry was gained only from the top. And for defense purpose, the Indians use ladders to get to the second level, then get into the adobe.

Indian Pueblo (III)


The pueblo doesn't have electricity and sewer system. So right now, only about 4 or 5 families still live inside pueblo. Most of the local Indians are not living in the pueblo any more; they live outside the pueblo in more modernized area, and come back from time to time to check out the house and their business -- mostly hand crafts store.

Indian Pueblo (IV)


This is local's cooking utility. They light fire inside to bake the Indian bread.

Door, Ladder, Chili ring


Indians always have very bright color, which are reflected in their clothes, crafts, even in the pueblo. Brown, blue and red, locals just left the stuff without any intention, but to me, it's the best scene.

New Mexico -- Taos (1)

July 8th, 2005

Before the trip, BL borrowed several books about New Mexico from the library. Based on what we read or more exactly, the pictures we saw from the books, we set the places we are going to visit and planed our trip. One place we both are really interested to go is Taos.

Taos is about one hour drive north from Santa Fe. We got up pretty late that day, (well, like all the rest days), and drove to Taos around noon. Since the crack on the windshield is still growing, we drove very slowly and carefully avoided all the big trucks along the way.

First thing we did in Taos is to find a restaurant for lunch! Even today, BL still mentions that this vacation is the most relaxing vacation he ever has so far. Yeah, it is a pretty relaxing vacation. Even though all the hotels we stayed provide continental breakfast, we only had once in the hotel. The rest days, we just slept as long as we wanted and got up before noon. Then we just drove around and looked for a nice restaurant with happy music, sat in, and enjoyed our lunch!

It's no exception today! We saw this neat Indian pueblo style Mexican restaurant and went in. It has a pretty big front yard; we chose a table outside under a tree. After ordering some food, we chatted a little bit and just sat there enjoying the environment. Sun is very warm, but we were sitting in the shade, and the wind cooled us down. The air is filled with happy Mexican music, with a little episode added in by the bees. We almost forgot the time, just stayed there enjoying the food and savoring the quiet moment.

San Francisco Church (I)


We really took our time and enjoyed the food. After lunch, we went to San Francisco Church next to the restaurant.

San Francisco Church (II)


I really like the adobe structure of the church, simple, practical, and artistic. It's a really nice place to take pictures.

Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind

Finally I got to watch the movie -- Enternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. I have wanted to watch that movie for a very long time and can't get a chance to watch it. I rent it last weekend, and watched it tonight.

I really like the movie!

Story starts when Joel found out that his girlfriend, Clementine, erased all her memory of him. So he went to the same doctor to get his memory of her erased too. The erase procedure starts to work on the most recent memory first, then traces back to the older memory little by little. In Joel's most recent memory, he and Clementine fought and hated each other, the relationship is apparently failed. Then with the procedure moves on, Joel recalls all the good memories -- how they truly love each other, how happy they were being together. Then Joel shouted it out -- "I don't want it any more!" He doesn't want the good memories go away, he tried to escape and wake up from the procedure, but he can't. Finally it came to the last memory of how they first met, he gave up on trying to keep the memory from being erased, instead, he said, "We shall just enjoy it!", he enjoyed the last piece of his memory, and then let it go.

Relationship is just like this. Two people meet, attract to each other, fall into love, expose more to each other, stay together, then get bored with each other. All the things you like about each other at first now become shortcomings you cannot bear with any more. Then you start to fight with each other and then the relationship slips down. How to keep a good relationship? This is probably the forever topic in human society. There are many books, articles piling out the things you should do or should not do, the words you should say or should not say in a relationship. They are somewhat helpful. But still, so many relationships break up. Why? I don't have an answer. If I do, I probably will stay happily and do something else right now. :)

I think emotion is like a monster, it has its own mind. It's not controlled by you even though it belongs to you. You can learn from your own experience how to tame it, but sometime, it's out of your control and does things on its own, which could jeopardize the relationship you have. And it may because of your ego or pride, you didn't patch the damage in time, then the damage gets worse, and it cannot be repaired any more, the relationship dies at the end. How should we prevent this?

And the end of the movie, Joel woke up without the memory of Clementine. He took a sick day and went to the beach, there he met Clementine again who also doesn't have any memory of him at all. They were like 2 strangers; they are still attracted to each other on the first sight. Then everything started from beginning again. But somehow they both got the record of how they erase their memory from the doctor. They listened to the cassette -- it's what they told the doctor about the person they want to erase, all the things they don't like about each other. Then they both got hurt, Clementine tried to leave Joel again. She said she can't do this, because it will all come back, she's afraid that she will feel bored with him again. Then Joel said: "So what?!"

Yeah, So What! No pain, no gain. Pain probably is like a side effect from happiness. You have to get all or nothing. But if there is no pain, how do you know that is happiness? We shall just learn from all the pains we've been through, and keep happiness more often and longer in life. Never erase a memory, you can let certain things go, but never erase the whole thing. Memory is your own treasure, no matter good or bad. You enjoy the good ones, and learn from the bad ones. You grow up and become more mature with it. Then you may get a better relationship next time. :)


Picture taken at crater lake.

I wish...

I haven't updated my blog for a very long time. I'm busy, and also lazy. I actually have written something, but don't feel like a good article, so I didn't post it. I remembered once I told a friend, I feel I can write better when I am in sad mood. When I felt sad, I can write articles with strong emotion, the words just flow out of my figures, I don't even need to think about it. Since my last post, I haven't written for almost 2 months, was I too happy in the past 2 months? Now I started to write again, is this because that I'm feeling sad again?

I still worry, worry about my future, worry about all the uncertainties in the future. I still don't know what I should do, or what is the right thing to do. I still feel like that I'm somewhat waste my precious time, that I didn't use my time wisely.

I went to a BBQ party today. When I was in the BBQ party with 40 other people, suddenly I felt so lonely; I just wanted to go home. But of course no one is waiting for me at home, I felt worse when I got home, so I went out with my friends again. It was too early for clubbing at that time, so we went to Fairmont hotel. I like the live music there on weekend. But my friends don't seem interested in it at all. So they all went to S's office and left me alone there.

Most people in Fairmont hotel are over 50 years old, and they all come in couple or in group. I sat in the corner quietly by myself, letting my thoughts flying along with the music. The guy who plays piano noticed me and smiled at me, trying to cheer me up, I smiled back to him. They started to play some cha cha music. Then this old couple came to the dance floor and started to dance. The gentleman held the lady, and led her so smoothly. She danced like she has no weight, floating all over the dance floor. All the time they were looking at each other in the eyes and smiling at each other. I feel like this is the most romantic scene I have ever seen.

There is this one famous Chinese song, which I only remember one sentence in it:
The most romantic thing in the world is to grow old with you.

I wish I can be like that old lady -- when I am 60 years old, I'll still have someone who I love and who loves me, hold me gently, lead me to dance and grow old with me day by day ... Will this be possible?

Lonely


I think I'm in a kind of sad mood right now, maybe it's just from the tequila shot I had tonight. Maybe I will feel like nothing has happened tomorrow morning, maybe I will be refreshed and happy soon. Maybe I shall just clean myself up and go to bed now. Don't think too much, have a good sleep, tomorrow is another day!

年轻的故事 2 (Another Story)

他和她是同班同学。她坐在教室的第一排，他坐在她的身后。他长着一张孩子气的脸，十分清秀。她喜欢看他笑，所以会经常和他开玩笑。他笑的时候非常腼腆，有的时候被逗急了还会脸红。他非常聪明，虽然在上课时经常看他打瞌睡，可成绩却总是名列前茅。她喜欢理科，尤其是物理，可是他们中学的物理老师水平很差，经常答不出同学问的问题来。于是她的物理都是自学的，不懂的时候有时会回家问她的父亲，不过在大多数的情况下，她还是愿意去问他，他也总是很耐心的给她解答。慢慢的她不再开他的玩笑了，听他讲问题心里也会有些紧张，她想，自己是喜欢上他了，可是不知道他是否喜欢自己。

他虽然很聪明，可是却很懒，不愿意做家庭作业，尤其是英文作业，他觉得太麻烦，虽然他在当时TOFEL就已考到了600分。她的同桌是英文课代表，总是将自己的作业借给他抄，有时干脆会帮他完成。她知道她的同桌也很喜欢他，而她在当时只是一个丑小鸭，况且班主任又总是隔三差五的申明不可以在班级中有早恋出现，因此虽然喜欢他，她也不敢有所表示。有时看到他对她的同桌也很热情，心里会有些难受，可又不知道他到底是什么态度，只能默默祈祷他也喜欢自己。

一次快要上课之前，他从门外走进教室。她和她同桌的位置正好对着大门，她的同桌撒娇的叫着好冷啊，要让他把门关上。她听了心里很不是滋味，于是也不知哪来一股气，使她就想和她同桌对着干。于是她叫起来说太热，一定要让他把门开着，想试探一下他到底会听谁的。他好像愣了2秒，这2秒对她来说好像过了两个世纪，她只能听到自己扑通扑通飞快的心跳声。然后她看到他对她腼腆的笑了一下，把门打开了。她顿时觉得心情大大的爽朗起来，于是她也回给他一个大大的笑颜。她想，他也是喜欢她的。于是她开始主动找机会和他说话。有时碰到下雨天，她就会借口没有带伞要问他借。她家离学校很远，每天要坐公共汽车回家，而汽车站在他回家的路上。于是他会一路撑着伞送她到车站。虽然一路上两人也只是谈学业，可是她还是觉得很甜蜜。他家住得离车站很近，每次在她上车时，他就会把伞塞到她手里，然后自己淋雨跑回家。

高三的课程开始紧张起来，突然有一天他退学了，因为他决定去日本留学。她非常不解，想他TOFEL考这么好，为什么要去日本，而不是像她一样考一所全国一流大学，学业完成后去美国留学。可她并没有从他那里得到任何答案。高考结束后，她如愿以偿的拿到了那所全国重点大学的录取通知书，他打电话来向她祝贺，并通知她参加毕业班的晚会。整场毕业晚会，他们都没有怎么说过话。最后快散场时，同学们都纷纷拍照留念，于是他走过来到她身边坐下，说我们也照一张吧。有同学开始起哄，可是他却很自然的把手搭在了她的肩上。照片出来了，他对着镜头笑得很开心，而她的脸却是侧对着镜头，而且脸色通红。这是他们唯一一张合影。很快他就远赴日本了。他们之间还保持着通信联系，她向他诉说大学里的新鲜事，而他则是很艰辛的在日本靠打工挣大学学费。春节期间她出了一点小意外，她也写信告诉他了。突然有一天半夜，她接到他打来的一个电话，电话两头都又激动又紧张，她也知道这样的长途话费很大，不想消耗他辛苦打工挣的钱，于是只是寥寥几句，就挂了电话。挂完电话，才觉得好像什么重要的话都没有说，心里觉得很是遗憾。后来他们也一直有信来往，但并没有谈到任何有关感情的事。直到有一次，她写信告诉他在大学里一直有不少人在追求她，想看看他有什么反应。他回了一封信，信上写到上帝会知道我们的所作所为。她不明白，回信去问，可是没有得到任何解答。于是他们之间的通信越来越少，后来只有每年一张贺卡，直到最终完全失去联系。

过了几年，她去参加中学同学的聚会，听到昔日的班长讲起他的状况，说他打工挣足了学费，在日本一所知名大学学物理。后来，她又听说，他结婚了，娶了一位日本太太，长得很像她。

Kid -- White Sands National Monument

New Mexico -- Albuquerque & Santa Fe

July 7th, 2005

Albuquerque is the capital of New Mexico. But there is really not much to visit. We had a long drive the day before, both of us got pretty tired. So we just rested in the hotel until noon. Then we went to Albuquerque old town for lunch, and found a very decent Mexican restaurant. We sat down, ordered some food, listened to the music, and had some margarita, very casual and relaxing.

Around the old town plaza, many people are selling crafts. I bought a set of necklace, bracelet and ankle-let for myself. They are made of turquoise, which looks very nice. Those people who sell the crafts are so hard to bargain with, or I'm too bad at bargaining. Anyway, I didn't even get one cent off from the original price. :(

Albuquerque Old Town Plaza


BL found another way to drive to Santa Fe from Albuquerque -- turquoise drive, which was part of the famous Route 66. It's said in the tourist guide that there is amazingly beautiful view along the road. So we just headed our way to Santa Fe after lunch. As long as we got onto highway, there was this big truck in front us, and suddenly I heard a sharp noise coming from our car windshield -- a rock hit on the windshield. I looked at the window, I didn't see anything. Then we kept driving. Suddenly Bill screamed, "S***, look at the crackle!" I was frozen on my seat; shoot, there was this index finger long crackle on the windshield. It must be from that rock. And we didn't buy any car insurance this time. :( I felt so unfair, I buy car insurance every time except for this ONE time. And there was nothing ever happened for all those times! Soooo unlucky this time! :(

We kept driving, and the crackle went from finger long to palm long, then to forearm long by the time we got to Santa Fe. And our topic on the car went from what we should visit in Santa Fe to how we are going to deal with the crackle. Since I was the one who rented the car, BL said that I should contact my credit card company to see whether they would cover this kind of situation. If they don't, we'll have to go with plan B -- fix it before we returned the car.

(I really wanted to write something about the beautiful scenery along the drive, but I can't remember how the scenery is like at all. Either the scenery is not that impressive or I spend most of the time staring at the crackle.)

Unfortunately my credit card company doesn't cover this kind of situation. So BL called several car windshield companies for quotes. Luckily, there is a window company right next to our hotel. So we decided to check it out early next morning.

Even though we were pretty upset, we still didn't want to waste our vacation. So I took a shower, changed into some nice clothes, and put on the necklace, bracelet and ankle-let which I bought from Albuquerque. Then we went to Santa Fe plaza. It’s funny that every city we’ve been to has a plaza – Las Cruces, Albuquerque and Santa Fe. And the plaza is getting better and better. Santa Fe plaza is very nice. We got there around sunset time. St Francis Cathedral stands at the end of the plaza, covered in a golden coat. It looks so beautiful and stately. I left BL rest on the bench, and walked around by myself to take pictures before sun fully set down. The buildings in Santa Fe are Adobe-style, which looks simple, but very artistic. I really like it, especially the color. Usually it has the golden wall with blue window frame or door, with red flowers by the window and door, bright and colorful, very vivid. Lots of artists move to Santa Fe to live there so that they can paint or take pictures. There are many galleries and museums around Santa Fe plaza, as well as restaurants, bars, and all kinds of shops. I was wandering around and enjoying the Adobe structure, art craft ..., and suddenly I found my new bracelet was lost! :( I have only worn it for like 30 minutes. What a day!


Santa Fe Plaza -- St Francis Cathedral

年轻的故事(A Young Story)

他每天坐92路车回家，如果正好赶上下午5点的那班车，他都会见到那个女孩。92路公共汽车的起点站是一所女校，而女孩就在那所学校就读。女孩每天都坐在同一个靠窗的座位上。他上车的那站人很多，每次他都挤在车子中央，有时也会站在女孩的座位旁。时间一久，两人都开始互相留意起对方来。女孩看上去很清秀，身体有些仟弱的样子。而他自己也还是在中学就读的学生，带一幅细黑边眼镜，书生气很足的样子。她的脸总是朝向窗外，因此他可以肆无忌惮的盯着她看。有时她好像发觉一样，会突然把头转过来，在眼神交错时，两人都会急忙将头转开。从眼角处，他会看到她脸上闪现的红晕。为了可以看到她，他每天都尽力去赶5点的那班车，有时拖着重重的书包跑得满头大汗的跳上车，挤到女孩的座位旁站着。久而久之，两人会像打招呼一样互相微笑一下，可不知为何，却从来没有讲过话。后来，他在上车时，女孩会主动接过他的书包，放在自己的膝盖上，等到他下车时再还给他。有时他挤在车子中央，女孩也会伸出纤细的手臂，费力的把他的书包从人群中拖过来放在自己的膝盖上。他下车后，会从窗口看看女孩，女孩会对他微微笑一下，点点头，好像说明天再见的样子。

后来好像是因为下午棒球队集训，他开始改乘了晚上7点的班车，因此有很长一段时间他都没有见到女孩。大约过了两个月后，集训结束，他又恢复到了以往的日程。5点的班车上，女孩还是坐在同样的位置，他看到，女孩在突然看到他的出现时，眼睛里有很亮的东西闪了一下。上车后，女孩还是照旧接过他的书包，放在自己的膝盖上。他一直站在她的座位旁，直到下车，两个人还是没有说一句话。回家后，他翻开书包，准备拿出作业来做，发见书包的夹层里有一个信封。他拿出信封，里面有一张卡片。翻开卡片，他看到女孩娟秀的字体，内容并不长，只是一般性的问候，以及有些关心地口吻问他最近为什么没有在车上出现。他翻来覆去的看着那张卡片，只觉得心中有一丝甜蜜悄悄溢满了全身。他想，也许应该约她出来了。于是他冲到贺卡店，也买了一张卡片，约女孩周日在老皇宫前见面。他小心翼翼的封好信封，并在信封上郑重的写上--“给我想见的人”，然后将信放在书包的夹层里。

第二天，他赶上了5点的班车，可是，女孩并没有在上面。第三天，第四天，女孩还是没有出现。

每天，他都会把信封拿出来检查一下，生怕把信遗失了。周五的时候，同学叫他一起去看电影，看完电影他和同学一路打闹回到家，突然发现书包忘在了电影院。等他赶回电影院去找时，书包已经不见了。他只好把家里的电话留给了电影院，很失落的回到了家。过了两天，他收到电影院打来的电话，说有人将他的书包交还了电影院。他匆忙赶到电影院拿回了他的书包。回到家，第一件事就是去看信是否还在。信还在，可是信封被人拆开了，有人偷看了他的卡片。他感觉很气愤，有一种被欺骗的感觉。信封已经不能再用了，他只好又去拿了一个新的信封，可是新的信封和卡片不配套，他总觉得心里有些不爽。但他还是每天带着信封去坐5点的车，每天都把信封拿出来检查一下。就这样又过了一段时间，信封有些磨损了，可女孩还没有出现。

一天，他还是照常上了5点的班车，女孩还是没有出现在固定的位置上。他想，也许女孩搬家了，心中觉得很是失落。可是突然，身后有一只手把他的书包抓了过去，他回头一看，女孩原来坐在对面的位置上。他问她为什么换了位置，他说她上车晚了，平日里常坐的位置已被人占了，所以只能坐在这里。这是他们第一次对话，两人还是很害羞。说完话，她又将头转向了窗外。他偷偷打量着她，她看上去很苍白，好像大病初愈的样子。一直到下车，他们都没有再说一句话。直到要下车时，他从她手里接过书包，掏出那封藏了很久的信，匆匆赛在她的手里，然后转身逃也似得下了车。下车后，他刚松了一口气，却想起信里约的见面时间早已过去，他想马上跑回窗口旁告诉女孩新的时间，可是女孩坐在车的另外一边，他看不到她。他看着车开走的背影，想只能明天再告诉她了。

第二天，女孩没有出现。那以后很久，女孩都一直没有出现。后来，他搬家了。有时，他还走回来特意去乘5点的那班车，可再也没碰上那个女孩。

Lamp.Shadow.Door -- taken in Santa Fe

New Mexico -- Las Cruces & Gila Cliff Dwellings

July 5, 2004 -- July 6, 2004

We got to Las Cruces pretty late. And we didn't know where our hotel is. We had this one paper which has our schedule printed out, such as where to visit, where to stay, etc. But we forgot to print out the hotel name in Las Cruces. We only had an address, but we didn't have a Las Cruces city map. (Yeah, AAA doesn't have Las Cruces map). BL took a look at the map when we were in White Sands National Monument, so we tried to get to the hotel based on his memory. Of course, we lost! So we had to call our friend W in California to ask for direction. After we spent so many on roaming charges, we finally found our hotel! The good thing is that there is free wireless internet in the room, hooooolaaaaa!

It felt weird that I hadn't used internet for about 5 days. Unbelievable! As soon as I got into the room, I turned on my laptop and got online. I checked my emails, chatted with my friends, browsed all the sites I usually go to, edited some of my pictures and posted them online. It feels good, like I'm back to a modern society. :P I got into the hotel room probably around 11 pm, the next time when I looked at the clock, it's over 2 am. Geeeze, I should take a shower and go to sleep then. It seems that the virtual time goes much faster than the real time. :P

There is not much to visit in Las Cruces. So we just went to its old town plaza early in the morning. It's a small square with many souvenir shops around it. We went in to look for some gifts. I bought some for my friends, BL bought some for D.

Since it's still early, so we decided to visit Gila Cliff Dwellings. From the map, we figured out that Gila cliff dwelling is just about one and half hours away from Las Cruces. So we left Las Cruses around noon, thinking we'll have plenty of time to visit there. Since we are going to stay in Albuquerque for the night, we probably still have time to stop by Truth and Consequences on the way.

After one hour's drive on highway, we started to get into the mountain. I thought we are pretty close to our destination. Then there is a big sign standing by the road, saying curvy road ahead -- prepare to take a 2 hours' drive to Gila!!! //faint But since we already drove for one hour to get this close, we think we should keep going.

We missed the tour, so we just watched the video of the introduction of Gila Cliff Dwelling and climbed up ourselves to visit. There are several rooms in the cave. But I was kind of disappointed, I thought there would have more stuffs in the cave. I was thinking something made of stone so that Indians can sleep on or sit around it, but there are only pure raw rocks, and some dried tree branches in the dwelling. There is park volunteer resting in the cave. So I asked him where I can see the pictograph the Indians left. He is very nice, and showed me around, pointing out to me all the pictographs he knows in the cave and their meanings. From the chat with him, we found out that he is actually an artist, he does oil painting. He said if we come early in the morning, when the sun rises, and the first sun ray casts into the cave, the dwelling looks amazingly beautiful. I can imagine all the scenes in my head. But unfortunately, I don't have time for that! BL asked him how far away to get back to the high way to Albuquerque. And the answer is at least 3 hours!!! We never thought the decision we made to visit here ends up with a 5 hours' mountain driving journey!!!

To save time, BL drove pretty aggressively. I was holding the safety handler all the way. Later on that night, I found out my arm felt so sore because of that. Since I cannot drive on the curvy road, (I'm really scared of that,) BL had to drive all the way out. The scenery is beautiful along the road. But no matter how good it is, you will still get bored if you look at it for 5 hours. And I started to get car sick. Finally we were out of the mountain. BL was so tired. My turn to drive, but I still had car sick, so we stopped by some gas station, he had to wait for me to finish a big ice-cream, then we hit back on the road again with me in the driver seat and him sleeping in the passenger seat.

I enjoyed the driving. While BL is sleeping, I put on some happy Mexican music and enjoyed the scenery. Sun was setting, the clouds were like fire, and the mountains along the road looked so red. I was so moved by the beautiful scene. I kept asking myself whether I should stop the car, and capture all these beautiful scenes into my camera. But I didn't want to wake BL up and the scène seemed to me too beautiful to capture. So I just kept driving and let my thoughts fly. Am I driving too fast? Am I too eager to get to the destination so that I didn't spend enough time to enjoy the scene along the way? Are all those seemingly beautiful sceneries worth to stop and take time to enjoy? How would I know it's not a waste of time?

I always feel like that life is a journey. There are many stops along the way, people have to figure out the major stops to jump out the train and spend time to enjoy their life there. Some people make mistakes to stop at those small stops, they spend much time trying to look for scenes worth of visiting, but it finally turns out there is not much there. They just waste their time. Some people see the major stop, but they think there is nothing to visit there, so they miss the most beautiful scene they can see in their life. But how will I know where to stop? How will I know when to stop?


Pray

The picture was taken at Las Cruses old town plaza. I don't know why, when I took the picture, I strongly felt like it should be black and white. To me, the halo around the head of the statue is like a thorn crown. I can feel she is suffering, I feel it with a heavy heart. I feel like I'm praying with her, praying for the end the suffering.

New Mexico -- White Sand National Monument

July 5th, 2005

Since it was so hot in New Mexico, we figured out that in order to avoid becoming a human jerky, we'd better not go to white sand national monument during the day. So we planed to get there right before sunset, so that I can take some good pictures.

White Sand National Monument is the world's largest gypsum dune field, about 275 square miles. Because of its white color, it reflects the heat, so even we walk on it during the day, it's not that hot at all. I carried a big responsibility to go to the white sand national park. My director is a big hiking fan, his plan is to go to all the national parks. So he asked me to get him a topographic map from the park. I was looking and looking in the tourist center, but I couldn't find one. So I asked for help, and was told there is no such map, because the sand dunes move about 30 feet every year by the strong and steady wind in that area.

The weather was not very good for pictures because of the heavy haze. We took the 7 PM tour, and the guide said the haze may come from the big fire nearby. BL was following the tour, I was wandering around to take pictures. But suddenly something that the tour guide said got my attention -- how do plants survive in the moving sands?

The big problem plants have in the dune field is being buried by moving sand dunes. Plants can't walk away from a dune that is starting to bury them. Most of the time the plants simply die because they can no longer get the oxygen they need once the sand has covered them. The tour guide pointed us to some small lovely pink flowers and told us that they're going to die soon. :( To Live on top of the dunes requires very special adaptations. Only a few plants are able to live very well on the sand dunes by growing faster than the dune can move, or/and holding on to the sand by building hard pedestals.

Soaptree Yucca

Yucca is one of the plants who grow faster than the sand dune moves. When it begins to get buried, the stem of the yucca starts to grow very rapidly and pushes the green leafy part above the surface of the sand. The stem can grow as much as 12" a year, and may get to be 30' tall. When you see a yucca plant on top of a sand dune, you can be sure that beneath it is a long stem that stretches all the way down through the sand.

I really admire Yucca's vitality. It must go through hundreds of generation's death and find a way of living, what a strong desire to survive! It never gives up the passion of living! Even a plant can do this, why human being always give up their passion for life and love so easily. When some people get hurt in love, they become so afraid of being hurt again, so they loose their passion for finding real love. They just lock their heart in a safety case, and throw the key in the ocean. Then they just wander around the world with an empty body and a big cold safety case. They can never open the safety case and show their heart to other people any more. I don't want to be one of those. I want to be a yucca, always holding the passion for life, even though I failed again, I will eventually find a way to grow out. Eventually I will have the most beautiful flowers over the white sand dune.

Yucca under sunset

When do we say love?

People have different interpretations of love. For some people, when they have affections for others, they call it love. For me, it's just affection, or at most, like. For some other people, they may say the word because they feel obligated, they feel they owe the love to other people, they feel like they need to say love in return. For me, it's not love at all. If I say love, it has to come from the deepest part of my heart.

I don't say the word love easily. When I say Love, it means responsibility. It means that I'm ready to give commitment. It means that I'm willing to think of the future. It means that I'm willing to take risks, willing to sacrifice for it.

Love is a process. I don't believe love on first sight. Love has to be nurtured by both people. Love has to grow through communications. People can be attracted to each other right away, people can have affection for each other right away, people can be fascinated by each other right away, but people cannot love each other right away. Love takes time. People have to understand each other well enough before they can talk about love. People have to know each other well, have to know each other's good personalities, as well as the bad habits. Only when you can accept the person as a whole, only when you can completely open your heart to each other, you can say love out.

When a person says love out to the other person, she unavoidably opens herself completely and exposes her heart directly to him; she shows him her most vulnerable side. If he is kind, he will know how to take care of her heart and may give his in return. But if he is not kind enough, he may just throw the heart on the floor and step on it. Then she needs to bear with all the pains to pick up the broken heart and put it back into her body, and then spend a long time to recover. So when we say love, we have to be very careful, we have to make sure he/she is the right person, or at least a kind person.


Hope

转身---然后离开(ZT)

当一个人试图离开的时候，

似乎一切并不如想象中的艰难：
0度的时候，
觉得快要窒息，莫名的悲哀，心里似乎有些东西在失去；

90度的时候，
开始有点泪眼模糊，强忍住，借着惯性转过去，不再回头；

180度的时候，
一切都在身后，有着转回去的冲动，却没有再看一眼的勇气。

沉默……失落……
犹豫着迈开第一步，有些沉重，
然后是第二步，试着让自己显得轻松，
第三步，第四步……无意识的走着，最终离开。
长呼一口气，好了，就这样了，一切都该结束了。

人的可悲就是在于你以为已经得到的时候往往正是失去的开始
一切都是意料以外的痛苦
而人的可悲也在于你以为结束的时候往往没有结束，
一切还是想象中的那么艰难。
如果可以简单，
那一定是
因为不曾投入。
从一种痛苦走向另外一种痛苦，
何尝不是另一种悲哀。

鱼的悲哀就在于
看到了大海，
却没有办法游过去
人的悲哀就在于
看到了结果
却没有办法说服自己
去面对。

New Mexico -- Roswell

July 4th, 2005

We got back to hotel a little over 4 am. Since my flight is 6:40 am, I didn't have any time to sleep . I just took a quick shower to get rid of the smoke smell on my hair and body. The girls were sleeping after I came out from the shower, I didn't want to wake them up, so I had to pack in the dark. BBY kindly offered to take me and BL to airport, I did't want to keep him waiting, so I packed in a hurry and left the hotel.

We slept all the way on tha airplane, and got to Albuquerque early in the morning. We went directly to Alamo car rental place and asked about our reservation. Since I cannot access to my Yahoo account before I left for the trip, I couldnot print the reservation information with me. The guy checked in his computer and cannot find our record. So we had to rent another car on the spot. Not a good start for the trip!

We got the car. BL started to drive. I was so sleepy, but I had to keep myself awake and kept talking to him to keep him awake too -- I didn't want us to get into any accident. It's about 200 miles from Albuquerque to Roswell. And I felt this is the longest drive I had ever taken.

The original plan for visiting Roswell was to get there in time so that we can catch the last day's UFO festival and watch Independence Day's firework at night. We got to the hotel in Roswell around 1 pm, but the hotel receptionist told us that we cannot check in until 3 pm. It was extremely hot outside, just like in Vegas, and we both were extremely sleepy too. So we decided to skip the whole festival thing, and rested on the hotel lobby couch. I felt the couch is the most comfortable couch in the world, because right after I sat down and found a way to support my head comfortably, I fell into sleep. I felt I only slept for 5 minutes before the receptionist woke us up and told us that we can check in now. We just went directly to the room without even taking the luggage. I threw myself into my bed and slept. I was soooo sleepy. ZZZZZZ

I woke up around 7 pm and got up to take a shower, which made me feel much better. We didn't eat anything the whole day, so we decided to drive around, getting something to eat, and getting ready for the July 4th firework.

Roswell looks like a very old and small town, only one main street. It got famous because the 1947 UFO incidence. It was saying that there was a flying saucer crashed in Roswell. But later on goverment claimed that it was just a weather hot balloon. No one really knows which story is real. I prefer the UFO one. Think about this -- universe is so big, there is living creature on earth, why not on other planets? And human being is so curious, we send rockets and spaceships to other planets, why can't the creatures from other planets come to visit us?

This small town looks very shabby, BL kept saying it's even worse than those small towns in Mississippi. I've never been to Mississippi, but this probably is the most shabby town I've ever seen in US. And not like in california, I didn't see even one Chinese there. We went to the stadium where people gathered around waiting for fireworks. There was a mexican band singing on the stage. It seemed to me that the whole town were gathering in the stadium. But there was not even a single black hair, yellow skin person in the crowds except for us. People stared at us when we passed by. I felt like I were an alien there. We walked around, but there was nothing really interesting, since we still had about an hour before the firewrok started, we went out of the stadium to grab some dinner.

We came back and got a very good parking spot, facing the firework directly. So we can just put the seat back down and lied in the car to watch the firework. Before, when I watched firework, I was always swamped in big crowds, surrounded by people's head, but not this time. It was so relaxing and comfortable to sit in the car and see all the fireworks through the windshield. My favorite one is the golden colored firework, when it dropped from the sky, it looked like a golden willow tree, spectacular! Whenever that fireworks came out, I could feel there is something jumping really hard in my heart. Wish I could share the view with someone.

Is emotion or love just like fireworks? So spectacular and moving in the beginning, during that short period, it releases its best images. Then it dies quickly, only leaves the smoke and the smell in the air. How can we keep it longer?

New Mexico -- Adobe window

The picture was actually taken in Taos. Since I left Vegas in such a hurry, I left my tripod there, so there is no fireworks picture for me this time.

Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas -- Zumanity & Strip Club

We chose Zumanity because J really wants to watch a topless show since she has never seen one. I have no interest in any topless show, because I've watched a couple and I remembered that I almost fell into sleep last time when I watched Jubilee. Nothing exciting at all. But Zumanity is different. It's very erotic, and different from the other show which I have seen from Cirque Du Soleil. The whole show is about sex -- man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, S&M, orgy ... Erotic, funny but not dirty. I really like the part that two acrobatic girls swim in a big transparent fish bowl, very sexy.

We had decent seats for the show, the 3rd row on the left side. When the show started, there was a very good shaped half naked guy holding a bouquet of roses walking around the stage. The audience started to scream. Of course I screamed too, I probably screamed pretty loud and got his attention, so he threw a rose to me. :) Then I found out that K screamed even louder, and he got a rose from the half naked guy too. (/faint) It's a fun experience to watch the show, with lots of laughing and screaming.

When we came out of the show, it's almost 1 am. J was so excited, and she really wanted to go to a gentleman's club. I have never been to a strip club either. But I have an early flight to New Mexico at 6:40 am. And what's so fun to watch female stripping? I'm not a guy! I'll have more interest if it's a male strip club! :P So I was very reluctant to go, but everyone else is going, and J dragged me along with them. BL picked the place, so all 8 of us went there.

The cover charge is pretty expensive there, $20 each, even girls need to pay for it. I was so disappointed when I went into it. I looked around, the place is not very good, not crowded at all -- only half of the tables were open. The light was very dim inside. Some half naked girls were dancing on the table, they are not very pretty. Music was not that exciting either, a big difference from the scenes which I saw from the movies. But since I came in already, why not have some fun and enjoy it? So I got some 1 dollar bill changes and sat down around a table with my friends. We ordered drinks and waited, waited. But no girl came to our table, then we were told the table was not open yet. We had to switch table, but the girl on next table was just, huh, not appealing at all. So we decided to buy W a private dance, since it's his first time to be in a strip club too, and he has to walk with a ski pole. :P K saw this pretty Thai girl and asked her to dance for W. The girl came up to W and sat on his lap. We thought it would be more fun to watch W's expression than to watch the girl dancing. So we all sat around W just to watch him. :P When the girl started to dance, my eyes were popping out, because W's hands were all over her body. I was wondering, wow, that's why they need 20 bucks cover charge, it's an all-you-can-touch place. And the funny thing is that W touched all over her, but I noticed that when she tried to touch W, he moved her hand away. I was laughing and laughing, what kind of club is like that. After the dance, we all made jokes about W's behavior, he just kept saying that it was not him, it was the girl who put his hands on her body. Yeah, right! :P

Then I found out that there is a girl dancing on the table where we sat around before. She is not that bad. So we decided to move back. BBY suddenly found out that his money got stolen and he got pretty upset about it. So I put some changes in front of him, the girl came to him and played with him. Then I put some changes in front of J. But when the girl came up to her, J became so shy and refused her. I was very surprised, because it's her who really wanted to come to a strip club and tried so hard to persuade everyone to come with her. Well, anyway, since I was there already, I decided to have a little fun. So I put the change on my chest and another on my lap, the girl was laughing and came down to take the changes away with her mouth. I got a close look at her. It's fake. So many fakes there. BBY was still upset, so we bought him a private dance too. He likes those plump white chicks. So K found a very good looking dancer, she seemed to have a perfect shaped body until she took off her bra. Hmmm, what should I say? It's a very unsuccessful surgery, a big turn off. :P

There was another girl dancing on the couch behind ours. She is gorgeous, with beautiful face, and perfect body. And they're real! I think she is the best looking girl I saw in the club that night. She was dancing for a couple, dancing on both their laps. I was staring at her for a while, and all my friends think she is pretty. K came to me, asking whether I wanted a private dance from her, I refused. Then he said either I should kiss him on the cheek, or he'll buy me a private dance. Hmmm, private dance for free? What's to think about? Of course no kiss on the cheek! :P So I got a private dance. The girl came to me, making me sit comfortably on the couch, asking me to spread my legs open, and started to dance between my legs. She put some weights on me, I felt a little uncomfortable, I'm not a guy, and she is bigger than I am -- a little bit too heavy for me. :P She is very young, I would say she's only 20. And she is very beautiful, I was wondering the whole time why she wanted to do this job? For living? Saving for her big dream to become a famous show girl, then go to Hollywood? But I didn't ask her. Then she turned around and spanked her butt, so I decided to play a little. I asked her whether I can do that for her, she said yes, but she only allowed girls to do that though. Lucky me! I did that, then I heard that the guy from couple on the couch behind ours was asking his partner "How come you didn't so that!" Haha!

Well, the whole thing is a new experience to me, I had fun there! But no matter how pretty the girl is, no matter how sexy she dances, I can never get excited. No chance to be a lesbian then! :P

It was 4 am after we came out from the club. Need to get ready for my trip to New Mexico! Vegas is a crazy city -- what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

Latterns from Bellagio

有些爱情必须止于爱情 (ZT)

黑暗中，他点燃一只香烟，烟雾缭绕，我看不清楚烟雾后面他的表情。

他是快乐和自信的男人，忧郁不属于他，他有烟草的味道，吸上它会上瘾，闻到它会痴迷。

他隔着烟雾说到：我不知道自己的未来，我不知道明天会怎样。我无法承诺。我说：我不想未来，我不需要承诺，只想知道，你爱过么？他停了片刻说：我自己也不清楚，也许有爱也许没有。爱也许是做出来的，我们的灵魂也无法告诉我们自己是否在爱或是不爱。

我们本是陌路相逢又归于陌路，没有什么。我不再去追问。他伸手想把我抱在怀中，我逃脱他的拥抱，独自享受着这种伤痛。

当往昔风流云散，记忆的天空一片湛蓝。音容已在彼此生命的杯中化作陈酿，心置于一隅，会有着隔世的安详，有些牙齿失去后永远有个疼痛的伤口，无法弥补。

曾经向他索要婚姻，他说：婚姻是什么，只是一纸契约。两人该分手时，它只是个绊脚石。为什么要追求那份约束。如果两人能在一起，没有一纸契约，一样可以相守一生。我说：我需要法律的保护，哪怕是自欺欺人。他说：难道有法律的保护就会安全。我无语。如今的世界，爱情和婚姻不再是同一个话题，我不知道自己在找寻什么。

人生的舞台上，那样多的段落都已经斩钉截铁地落幕，剩下的还有什么？还要继续在那些打满了油彩的面孔后面，分辨一些肯爱与不肯去爱的心。只是，肯与不肯，都已经和彼此无关了。 “别责怪尘缘，哪一种情能亘古缠绵？”我只能这样安慰。


男人总想在红唇黛眉间找到有着丰富心灵和简朴生活习惯的女人。女人总想在坚厚臂膀中找到有所作为又情深似海的男人。结果有些人真的中了丘比特的箭，幸福地携手走上红毯。有些人却为了迎合世俗，到了一定年龄，削足适履地走进婚姻。不管起点在哪，起跑时都是有同一个愿望的，能相伴着跑到终点，风雨无阻。但是后来发现，现实总是与愿望相去甚远。

永远有多远？谁相信天长地久，什么样的爱情能经得住岁月的磨砺，都说经世的爱情，胜过一生的富贵，而爱情要怎样经营才不会走到穷途末路？

据说有人已经研究出了爱情的基本成份。是种与吗啡类似的苯基胺类的物质。和爱人在一起时它会被大脑的某个腺体分泌出来，使人有愉悦兴奋的感觉。但随着时间的推移，它会分泌的越来越少，直至消失。一些一生恩爱的夫妻，是因为他们体内会分泌另一种叫做内源性吗啡的物质。我想没有太多的人相信这个结论。但人们都承认，爱情会死，死于时间。

倘若不思太多，甘于如此平常终老，倒也是福。生活是件天生残缺的艺术品，无以修饰，绝少完美。举步艰难是因为完美成了心灵的羁绊。

都说爱情是因为寂寞，寂寞的爱不会有结果。人们不在这里使用爱情的说法，怕沾了亵渎的味道。那种感情不能存于人世间的一呼一吸，棵柴粒米。并蒂花，比翼鸟，连理枝，与它永远一江之隔。不去承诺生死相与、永世不谕，都明白让承诺兑现是件非常渺茫的事。有些爱情必须止于爱情。只能在灵魂里相望，于无声处静听花语。

Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas -- Blue Man & Ugly Coyote

It was extremely hot, over 100F, when we got to Vegas. The air was hot, the wind was hot, and you can feel the steam coming up from the ground. It was like a big sauna room, my skin cannot even breathe when we walked on the strip during the day.

Since it was supposed to be a fun vacation, my friends and I decided not to torture ourselves under the baking sun. So we gave up watching all the free shows and spent most time in hotel instead -- eating, watching shows, clubbing, sleeping and doing crazy stuff in the hotel room. And yeah, I didn't gamble at all. I know, I'm in Vegas, where the best casinos are, but I didn't spend even 1 cent in gambling.

I watched 2 shows there, the blue man group and Zumanti from Cirque Du Soleil.

We watched the blue man group on the first night. My friends didn't want to watch the blue man group initially. I insisted on watching it. I have seen their DVD already and really like their performance. It's different from other Vegas shows, very creative and humorous, and it's rated G -- all aged group can watch it. They communicate with the audience very well, making the whole atmosphere very friendly and easy-going. After the show, we came out of the theatre; the blue man was standing outside the theatre to let audience take pictures with them. I was wearing a nice dress that day, and brought my little purse with me, so I couldn't bring my camera with me. But hey, we have cell phone, so I went up to the blue man, asked him to kiss me on my cheek, and use cell phone to take a picture with the blue kiss on my cheek. :) On the way back, everyone was looking at my face, I'm not embarrassed at all, I just want to keep it until I get my camera and take another picture again. But we decided to go clubbing after, even W went with us. W is a friend who broke his leg during a ski trip. He hasn't fully recovered yet, still using a ski pole to assist himself to walk in Vegas. It was so cool to see him dancing with the ski pole. We went to a club called ugly coyote in NY NY. It's a so so club, we went there because the club doesn't have dress code and the guys didn't prepare for clubbing in Vegas at all (except for strip club :P). The girls were pretty shocked to hear that the guys didn't prepare for clubbing. Come on, it's Vegas, how can you not prepare for clubbing here? So we have to go to this Ugly coyote; even though it's so ugly, it's still packed and had a long line outside the door. It's very hot inside the club. After we got in, we started to drink. I was so thirsty, so I drank beer like water. I was a little buzzed and a little high, but at the same time, some thoughts came across my mind, I felt a little sad and depressed. So I drank more and kept dancing and dancing, moving every part of my body. They bought me some gello shots, I drank and danced more. I thought I could feel better if I kept doing this, but the emptiness in my heart cannot be filled by drinking and dancing... J helped me walking back to our hotel room, my blue kiss on the cheek was gone, it ended up on BBY's shirt. I didn't even get a chance to take a clear picture of it. :(

Las Vegas

Vegas & New Mexico trip

I just came back from a trip to Las Vegas and New Mexico. It's exciting in Vegas, but relaxing in New Mexico. I took many pictures when I was in New Mexico. And I have been carefully selecting and editing pictures the whole night. Hopefully I'll have some free time this week so that I can start to write my travel journal before I forgot all the interesting things happened during the trip.

The serious photographer

人生是一趟孤独而冒险的旅行 (Life is a lonely but adventurous journey)

I read this article online. And I really like it, so I collect it here.

人生是一趟孤独而冒险的旅行 (ZT)

最近看了获今年奥斯卡奖几项提名的电影《closer》（《难以接近》）,影片讲述一个纽约脱衣舞女Alice只身来到伦敦,邂逅爱情,遭遇情变,重操旧业,后又孤独离开英国的故事。影片没有跌宕起伏的情节，围绕这个故事的是四个年轻人面对爱与性，忠诚与欺骗时的痛苦，紧张，冲突和迷茫。

由此我想到，人生在很大意义上，也象Alice的这一趟充满孤独而冒险的旅行。

海德格尔和萨特都认为：人在未经任何商议的情况下，毫无理由地被抛到这个世界。当人可以确认自己存在的事实时，他早已进入了存在。我们无法预先选择自己出生的年代，国家，民族，也无法预先选择自己的性别，父母，兄弟，当我们有了自我意识，认识到自己是一个独立的，不可替代的个体时，我们已处在了这一情境中，无可避免地打上了这一切的印记，且无可逃避地承担起对这一切的责任。所以人生的起始是荒诞的，而人生更大的荒诞还在于对死亡的一无所知。

作为存在世界的另一个无法动摇的事实：对每个人，死亡最终都将降临。但它何时降临，以何种方式降临，我们并不知道，可作为人生终结的死亡，却向我们昭示了个体的有限，唯一，和不可逆转。这是一趟单向的旅行，无论你情愿与否。人对旅程的结束总怀有莫名惆怅，人本能地惧怕死亡，而正是这一点，使他们尽量地沉沦于现实事务的种种繁琐中，去遗忘，去淡化它。当我们好好活着时，谁愿意去想这么一个沉重而无趣的话题？把它留给那些脸色难看的哲学家吧，还有那些宗教的苦行僧，而我们，不如纵情声色，纸醉金迷，竭尽旅途的快乐。可终点很快就要到来，没有不散的狂欢，美酒甜果的秋天之后是冬的凄凉，那种冷嗖嗖的死亡之气甚至在极乐之时已分明地向我们袭来。难怪有人在享尽财富名利情色之时，反而更感人生的空虚无聊，欲壑难填，更得抓住什么来延缓生命，当然，这只是徒劳，君不见，死亡之剑仍高悬头顶？

可事情的另一面却是，正是死亡使存在显出意义，使来去不明的人生得到肯定。这就象影片里的Alice之行，为何而来和最终怎样离开，都不是最重要的。旅行的全部意义就在于旅程本身。生命的意义和价值就在这一过程中得以创造和闪现。影片里甚至连Alice的名字都是她从一块墓碑上随便借来的，这一点直到她最后走出英国海关，在打开的户照上才被我们看到。人生途中许多东西都是这样偶尔得来，包括我们的名字，它多少又能真正代表我们自己呢？它只是我们全部旅程上的一个具体而又抽象的记号。从来到这个世界，我们就自动接收了它，带着它开始旅程。

我们带很多东西上路。许多东西与生俱来，我们唯有接受它；许多东西偶尔得来，我们是否应当珍惜？甚至包括工作，朋友，爱情，家庭，孩子。那么，什么才是我们自己？什么才是真正的自我？也许唯有在旅途中，在与他人的真实交往中，我们才能看清。雅斯贝尔斯说过类似的话，唯有交往才能使你成为你自己。个性唯有在与他人的交往中才得到充分的展示和肯定。

可旅途却充满孤独而冒险，孤独的根源不在于我们无人交往，也不在于我们彼此有多么不同，而更在于我们本来就是分离的个体，我们想通过友情，爱情，亲情把彼此联结，可即使在爱情中我们仍感到分离是多么容易，因爱而诚实，因信任而说出自己全部的感受，可结果呢，有时唯有更深深地伤害另一方，其原因就在于我们仍是不同的个体，没有一个人能在精神和肉体上真正完全替代你，这样的人是不存在的，即使最热烈最智慧的情人。所以，过度追求的理解反而换来更深的孤独和痛苦。如片中这四个年轻人，在他们的分分合里，我们更明晰地看到的是，对于心灵的某些角落，个人与他人的沟通和接近是永无可能的，我们不可能更加closer，这真是无奈而悲哀的事。可人就这样存在着，如宇宙里一个个孤立的星球，你不可能超越。这正是这部影片的深刻和动人之处。

可即使这样，我们仍愿意冒险去旅行，即便如Alice那样冒着被背叛，被误解，被迷惑，被丢失的危险，我们仍乐意到处去看看，去打破孤独，去爱，否则，人生的乐趣又何在？精神的最终目的就是为了寻找理解和共鸣。虽然我们不能彼此替代，可我们仍乐意彼此分享，在分享中冲淡人生的孤独。更何况，旅途中总还有那么一些人，当他们进入我们的视线，如片中反复唱道：“我再也无法将目光从你身上移开……”

坚强豁达的心灵，坚定而温婉地信任和尊重他人，对人生的荒诞和不确定性有深刻的怜悯，若我们怀有了这些，所有的冒险也许就都值得，所有的孤独也就不再那么可怕和令人绝望了。人生，也许就不虚此行

爱真要一点点就够了吗?

一路哭着回家。想起刚才看到的眼神，心寒。酒喝得越来越多了，借酒消愁，可是愁更愁。在舞厅里，意识麻木，和陌生人拥着狂跳，只是想跳，跳，跳，有些近乎绝望的在跳，想把所有的心事都跳掉。也许还是太浅薄，被陌生人赞美几句，就当成是有人关心，也许我只是太在乎那份得不到的感觉了。开始恨自己，自暴自弃，不够爱惜自己。故意作出什么都不在乎的样子，其实伤的还是自己。不管表面怎么开心，都治愈不了内心的伤痛。

在网上看到这样一段话：
“其实这个世界很奇怪,好女孩和好男孩一般在爱情上总是受伤的。有句话叫男人不坏,女人不爱。同样,男人也很容易爱上"坏"女人。在爱情的世界里,可能是没有好人和坏人之分的,一切都是前世注定的。
爱过,不后悔,是自欺欺人,有爱,就有痛。爱有多深,痛就有多深。每痛一次,即使痊愈,心灵会有留下伤疤,伤疤总是丑陋的。所以爱得太多的人,会渐渐变得丑陋,冷酷和多疑。爱真的只要一点点就够了,太多了,伤人伤己。”

爱真要一点点就够了吗?爱太多了，真的会伤人吗？我生活中的人真的都是冷酷而多疑的吗？也许这都是事实。我知道今天的行为，一定会伤到人，可是，好像心中有小魔鬼在作怪，就是想要伤他。也许是嫉妒心，也许想要求得心理平衡，被人伤也要想伤人。想想自己真的是很傻，因为这么做对自己一点好处也没有，反而弄得心里更加难受。


也许我太浪漫主义了，我对爱的经验并不多，到现在为止，我也还不能清楚地给它一个定义。可我一直想要的幸福就是能和一个我深爱的人并深爱我的人一起生活。我一直想，如果我真正爱上一个人的话，我一定会用整个身心去爱他，去关心他，但我也要求能得到同样的回报。也许这样的要求在现在的年龄和生活中太不现实了。记得读书时和同寝室要好的女生聊天，讲为什么人要生活在一起。她告诉我说，有人在一起是为了爱情，可那只是很小一部分人，大多数人只是到了年纪，有了还过得去的朋友，觉得该在一起过日子了，两人可以互相照应，可以省去很多麻烦事，所以才决定要在一起过。我当时很惊讶于这样的结论，一直想，我是与众不同的，我一定会是为了爱情才会和别人在一起生活。可是，现在想来，爱情可能只是生活中或两性关系中很小的一部分，我却一直把它当成生活的全部了。想起印度人大部分还是由父母包办的婚姻，记得有一次和印度同事聊天，讲起他们的婚姻。同事跟我说，包办婚姻其实要比自由恋爱结婚的稳定的多。因为人们对包办婚姻并没有什么太多的期望，而自由恋爱的人对婚姻的要求太高，因此较难满足。也许我就是这样的人，自己给自己挖个陷阱跳进去，对爱情的期望太高了，才造成现在这样的状况--伤心，自暴自弃。他也曾说我智商高，情商低。也许要换一个角度来看问题了，可又不知该怎么做，太难了。

胡言 (Nonsense)

晚上吃完饭，大伙一起涌去一个朋友家玩。他们开始在饭桌上打牌，我一人坐在厅里看陆幼青的“生命的留言--《死亡日记》”。朋友笑我故作深沉，其实我只是不喜欢打牌。我一向认为打牌浪费时间。听着朋友们又叫又笑的大声嚷嚷，我想也许打牌的确是社交的一个好手段，但不是我的。

有些心事，也不喜欢打牌，一人坐在厅里看书，尽管外面很吵闹，我却也能静下心来潜心看书。看了一半，突然发现虽然眼睛还是盯在书上，可是页数却不见长，思绪也不知飘到哪里去了。人的思想真是一种很奇怪的东西，它是人的一部分，可又不受人控制，经常你指东，它往西。越不要想的事它越要去想，弄得你很疲惫却又不知该如何是好。也许潜意识里你还是想要去想的，即使你所想得使你悲伤。有的时候，我觉得自己像自虐狂一样，越难受越要想。就像听Yiruma的音乐，明明知道听了会伤心，可还是没日没夜得听--在工作时，在车里，在家里，无时无刻不在放。也许，从小到大，我的生活都太顺了，没有遇到过什么特别令人伤心的事。上帝可怜我在世三十年，各种情感都应品尝一下，于是这一次是真伤心了。既然接受恩惠，就应当好好回报，所以我要仔细体验这伤心的滋味。

伤心也是一种很奇怪的感觉。我总是在想，伤心是因为想到不开心的事。其实，伤心的时候，我想到的多是开心的感觉，只是伤心这种感觉再也得不到了。还有很多想要去做的事，想要说的话，也许都没有机会去做，没有机会去说了。伤心和眼泪一定是孪生姐妹，她们的出现都是为了那些得不到的人，事，或感情。

有的时候，我会想我有双重性格。或者，我是一个极好的演员。再或，我是一个城府很深的人。因为我自己也佩服自己可以将内心的感情掩藏得这么好。我可以如此快乐的出现在朋友面前，却独自一人偷偷在家伤心流泪。也许，我只是自欺欺人，以为自己隐瞒得很好，其实早已有人看出，只是知道我要面子，不点穿罢了。

夜已深了，手指只是随着思绪在敲打键盘，并不知道自己到底在写些什么，一派胡言吧！

旅程 (Journey)

当他说出他再也不会有爱的感觉了，她听到心里有像玻璃破碎一样的声音。在他们刚认识时，他就说过他的心是死的。她并没有太在意，因为并不期望会有什么结果。她一直很小心的保护自己不被受伤害，可是心里还是很痛。

生活好像一个旅程，所有人旅途的目的地都是同一个，死亡！但每个人选择的旅途都是不相同的。在旅途中，你会碰上同行的人，有的可能只于你交叉而过，有的愿意陪你走上一程。有人喜欢独行天下，更多的人愿意结伴而游。也许你会在同行的人中找到你的游伴，两人可以一起分享旅途中的快乐和辛酸。有了好的旅伴，无论目的地在那儿，旅途都是愉快的。

他和她是两个孤独的旅行者，背着重重的行囊漫无目的的四处行走。一次邂逅，他们的旅途交织在了一起。因为孤独，寂寞，空虚，彼此都期望在对方身上找到旅行的答案。

她时常觉得累，希望可以有一个地方停下来歇歇脚，希望那是一个可以叫做家的地方。她在书上读到过--“家是可以让自己甘愿停留下来的地方，有很多人聚集在一起吃饭的地方，有人可以拥抱在一起入眠度过漫漫长夜的地方。即使是小旅馆的简陋房间，只有一张床，但若觉得温暖安全，都可算是一个家。”她只是想有一个温暖的家。但不知为何，一直不能够得到。希望日渐磨损，知道得到感情是一件困难的事情，而她自己亦并不懂得该如何付出。在旅途中，她也碰到过有行人愿意接过她的行囊和她结伴而行，也有人敞开房子大门希望她能进来歇歇脚或长住。可是这都不是她想要得，她亦说不清自己到底想要什么，也许只是一种深爱和被深爱的感觉。

他带着一颗空空的心到处游逛，在旅途中玩世不恭的不停得在换着旅伴。也许他想从旅伴的身上得到一些证实，可他自己也不清楚到底想要证实些什么。

他们相遇，并排行走，互相慰籍着对方，但又保持着一定的距离。因为谁也不知道他们共同的旅程会有多远多长。不知何时，她开始暗暗希望他们共同的旅程越长越好，可是她不敢表示，因为她不敢确认他是否愿意为她停留，而她身上的行囊又太重，使她感觉跟不上他的脚步。于是她努力告诉自己不要胡思乱想，只要尽量走好和他在一起的每一步路。

终于，他决定去遥远的他乡独自旅行，梦想着在新的世界里可以找到他想要的证实。她伤心，哭泣，可骄傲的她决定把一切都埋在心里，不想让他看出她的脆弱，不想接受怜悯。于是，她努力告诉自己不要去想那一个日子，努力告诉自己在那之后的旅程并没有什么两样，只是行囊一天一天的在加重，在夜里经常会被压得喘不过气来。而白天，在他面前，她总是有如昙花一般展现她最美的一面，只希望，这短暂的昙花可以维持到那最后一天。

醉笑陪君三万场，不诉离伤。当一个人在我们身边的时候，我们不会知晓与他分别的时地。就像我们在生的时候，亦不会知道死。

人生的旅程是迷茫的，你不知道自己会走到哪里，也不知道会遇见谁。他们的旅程从远到近，到交织，再到分离。没有人会预见是这样的过程和结局。也许，他们将自此分道扬镳，只能在旅程的终点再次汇合；也许，有一天，他们会在那遥远的他乡再次相遇。我祈祷...

How many faces can a person have?

I think everyone has at least two faces – one in front of people, one behind. Maybe even more, I think I have different faces to different people – I can be a kid to the elder, an adult to the younger. I show my best side in front of people, but hide my weakest spot from everybody. Am I a good actress? I can be so active and fun in the party, nobody can tell what’s in my mind. I put on big smile, making jokes, singing and dancing, looking so happy. But when I read the lyric of the song, it just unavoidably hit the softest spot of my heart. I feel so sad, but I can still sing with smile on my face. I can still drink and chat with everyone like nothing has ever happened, but cry silently in my heart. I feel useless and helpless, but in the mean time, I’m savoring the sadness, trying to feel all the emotions flowing through my heart. I don’t know why, maybe I’m just a sad clown.

Clown

What is Love?

I kept asking myself this question, what is Love? How do I know what I’m feeling is love? How do I know it’s not just a temporary fascination? I don’t know the answer. There are so many questions around it, but I cannot get the answer. I know I’m having such a feeling that I never had before, it can make me go extreme, extremely happy or extremely sad.

Love is about giving and receiving. I used to think that I am a self-centered person, ‘cause I always receive more than I give. I hurt people in that sense. Then I started to learn how to give, I found out the more you give, the easier you get hurt. But if there is no hurt, how do you know there is real love? Therefore, even though it hurts, I still think giving is a better feeling. And only until I know how to give, I start to really appreciate for the love I receive. But giving and receiving has to be balanced. If I keep giving out my love but don’t get any back, my heart will be hurt. It will be empty in the end. When a heart is empty, it will take time to refill. Maybe the heart can still receive love, but it has nothing to give back. Maybe with enough love the heart receives the wound can be healed, but who knows how long it will take. It has to wait, wait until the sparkle comes, until the heart is filled with love again.

Love is like sunset, so beautiful but sad.

思念一个人的滋味 (The Taste)

思念一个人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然后用很长很长的时间
一颗一颗流成热泪

昨夜是一个不眠夜，迷迷糊糊只睡了两个小时。强打着精神上了一天班。回家听Yiruma的音乐，又暗自伤神。自从生病以来一直睡眠不足，体重倒是掉下去一些，日子过得好累啊！