选择 (Choice)

夜已深了，但我并不是很想去睡。每天忙忙碌碌的，却不觉得充实。如果生活中缺乏激情，日子会过得空虚，无聊。最近的心情好像在坐过山车，时而在山峰，时而在谷底。有时会觉得幸福开心，可大多时觉得很迷茫。很羡慕那些有明确生活目标的人。觉得自己很无用，只会发愁，而无行动。顾虑太多，又爱面子。最大的毛病就是遇到困难只想逃避，而害怕去面对。生活中很多选择是没有对或错的，无论作出什么样的选择，都会在想是否另一种会更好。我想起有一个故事，具体记不太清了，大意是讲有一个男人，他有两个女友，不知该娶哪一个做老婆。于是他求上帝让他看看30年后的生活。上帝给了他一次机会，他选择了其中一个女孩，然后看到30年后他的老婆服饰邋遢，整一个黄脸婆，而另一个女友则衣着光鲜，依然美丽。于是他决定娶另一个女友为妻。30年过后，此女成了一个服饰邋遢的黄脸婆，而之前的女友则依然美丽。他觉得上帝欺骗了他，要求重新来过，可不管他娶谁，谁就会变成黄脸婆。上帝告诉他说，婚姻像一棵幼苗，是非常娇嫩的，需要细心的维持，照料才会长的健康茁壮。老婆也是一样的，30年后你的老婆会变成什么样不是由她一个人决定，是由你对她的照顾，两个人的感情，婚姻的幸福程度决定的。不管你做了什么样的决定，你都要下决心一心一意去做好，而不是瞻前顾后，唯恐后悔。生活中有大大小小无数的选择，有的容易有的困难。在没有正确或错误的选择是最困难的，可是选择总比不选要好，无论做了什么样的选择，都不要后悔，而是应专心把所选的路走好！要勇敢一些，选了就不要后悔，可以回顾往事吸取经验，但不要想如果当初选了另一个会怎么样，勇敢向前看吧！

Customer Escalations

Yesterday was a busy day!

My boss went to Hawaii yesterday morning. I had a chat with him on Monday. He told me that I need to take care of all the customer escalations when he is gone. He said it should be ok, 'cause there was nothing coming up for last week at all. I was thinking "Cool, no boss for a whole week! :D"

So as usual, I got up late in the morning and came into office quite late. Then suddenly I found out that people were looking for me the whole morning. Emails were piled up in my outlook about customer escalations! I felt like that there was some conspiracy between my boss and the customers. They just hold all the bugs until my boss is gone for the week. :( So I jumped into work, switching and building the system, going through all the issues and working on the important ones. Geeeee, when bad things happen, they all happen at the same time. So many issues! No time for a relaxing lunch, have to eat in front of my laptop, not even time for bathroom. Customer is waiting for the fix by 5pm. Hurry, hurry, hurry! No walk in the office, if I wanted to talk to people, I ran to them, good exercise though. Director came, QA manager came, ASD people came, I'm working, I'm working on it. Phew, finally we got everything done and tested before 5pm, we sent the jar out. Time to take a break!

Jazz bar

I had dinner with a friend Thursday night. After dinner, he said he needed to practice singing in a jazz bar. The jazz bar is very close to my company. I pass by the place almost everyday, but have never noticed there is a jazz bar inside. I have been to several jazz bars before, such as the one in Westing Hotel, Shanghai, also "The View" on top of Marriot hotel in San Francisco. Those are very nice Jazz Bars with great band and singers. But I have never been to one who allows people to practice. I was very curious to see what it is like, so I went along.

When we got in, there were already about 10 people inside, some came to sing, some came to play instruments. Mark is the lead and actually the only official player of the band. He's been playing there for 22 years, a very good musician. He can play all the instruments there, piano, drum, saxophone ..., he also is a very good singer. He smokes a lot, I was very surprised that he still has such a good voice, very magnetic. People there know each other quite well, I think most of them have retired, so they spent a lot of nights there practicing and enjoying themselves. I felt like an intruder when I first got in there. But people are very nice to me, they look like a big family. There was this old lady named Dorothy, she just finished her singing class. She went up to sing on the stage. Even though she cannot make some high notes, she was really concentrated and enjoyed herself. Her eyes were closed, and her body was moving with the tune. There were also some fabulous singers, especially the African American guy, he has this amazing voice, very broad. I would think he is a real star if I hear his voice on the radio. Mark is very funny. He kept saying jokes when he was playing the piano, making the whole night some sort of comedy show. Just to see all the people there so happy doing what they like makes me feel very happy too. I really enjoyed it!

Cocktail and Snowman

无奈 (Mindless)

日子过得像在慢性自杀，没有未来，没有目标，一天一天盲目的过着。整日的聚会，在别人眼里看似过的充足，聚会过后的孤独只有自己才能体会。忙忙碌碌即是打发孤寂，也期望能找到自己想要的东西。有些东西明知是没有结果的，似乎又在盼望着什么。当选择多的时候，思前顾后也相应增加。生活还是越简单越好，当你只有一条路可走，你会专心去把它走好，而不用随时随地顾虑我是否作了正确的选择。生活也还是分享着过好，有人可以倾听你的诉说，理解你的感受，因你快乐而快乐，在你难受时为你着急，而你也作着相应的付出，在付出得到回报时你会觉得你是天下最幸福的。不一定要有百万家产，只要觉得够花就可以，只要在一起开心幸福就可以。可是生活不像数学公式，只要条件都满足就一定能达到期望的结果。生活往往在你觉得满意的时候给你设一个陷阱，你觉得无奈，但不知如何跳出。边过边看吧。

无奈

三十是美丽的年纪 (Thirty is a beautiful age)

昨晚在网上和朋友聊天，聊到三毛的小说《倾城》。三毛是我在中学里最喜欢的作家，我读遍了她所有的书籍。特别喜欢她的游记，总是梦想有一天能像她那样只身背一只旅行包去周游全球，结一段异国情缘。：）朋友问我在那时的年级就能读懂她的书吗？我想因为我那时最喜欢看她的游记，而游记又总是通俗易懂的，况且向我一目十行的人看不懂就跳呗，所以好像也都看懂了。其实在那时很多句子表面是读懂了，而背后的含义却没有真正了解。记得在“倾城”中，三毛写到--“那时的我，是一个美丽的女人，我知道，我笑，便如春花，必能感动人的——任他是谁。”当时看的时候只觉得三毛好自恋啊，想长得像她那样的怎么可能美丽呢？现在想来漂亮不一定是美丽，美丽也并不一定是漂亮。美丽可以是有女人味，温柔，体贴，好的气质和魅力，不一定是人长得漂亮。像我小的时候，觉得30岁是一个好老的年纪，想自己一定不要活到30岁。现在想想当时真够傻的，30岁是女人最好的年纪，它不一定是女人一生中最漂亮的时候，但是它是女人开始成熟，美丽，而且最有风韵的时候。20岁的女人刚刚走出校园，带着清纯和傲气，觉得世界是为她们而在。她们漂亮但是任性,很多本意为好的事情也有可能因为一时冲动而搞砸，又因为心高气傲不肯承认错误，事后才发现后悔莫及。30岁的女人经过10年的历练，有了经验，也长了智慧，知道什么时候该说什么时候该做，因而不会像20岁的小姑娘那样毛毛糙糙的不经人事。但也正因为有了20岁的任性才会有30岁的成熟。像三毛在“蝴蝶的颜色”中所描述的 --流去的种种，化为一群一群蝴蝶，虽然早已明白了，世上的生命，大半朝生暮死，而蝴蝶也是朝生暮死的东西，可是依然为着它的色彩目眩神迷，觉着生命所有的神秘与极美已在蜕变中张显了全部的答案。而许多彩色的蝶，正在纱帽山的谷底飞去又飞来。就这样，我一年又一年的活了下来，只为了再生时蝴蝶的颜色。

Napa

Happy Birthday to W! (ZHU ni sheng ri kuan le!)

I just came back from a Birthday party. Yeah, we started to have party on weekday night too. :P We had about over 20 people gathered in Korean House. I'm stuffed now. It's W's birthday, I'm not very familiar with him! Yeah, people call me party animal now, I even go to party where I don't know the host. Anyway, it's better than eating alone. :) I skipped the drinking part after the dinner, some people went to W's place to drink. Hey, it's still Wednesday and I got work to do tomorrow!

Flying

Life is precious

晚上和一个朋友通电话，才知道他刚从鬼门关转回来。他上个月发现头疼欲裂，去症断，被美国庸医告知为病毒性感冒，后来才发现是脑膜炎。但医生医术平平，脑膜炎没有被完全医好，结果又转成了败血症。ER近了两次，前后住了三个多星期医院，上个礼拜才刚刚出院，还在家里休息。老婆又怀着孕，也真是难为他们了。

想想一个人在外，平时还好，生病的时候没有人照顾，真是很可怜的。给家里打电话时，也总是报喜不报忧，以免父母担心。记得我有一次，晚上一个人在家，因为白天吃了冰的东西，到了晚上突然胃痉挛，只能趴在地上，连站起来爬到床上的力气都没有，自己觉得自己可怜的想哭，想想哭也没有用，只能强忍着，好在过了一刻钟后胃痛好转起来，不然真要打911了。V老跟我说，年纪一大，什么毛病都回来了，本来不怎么信，现在也开始有些听进去了。真可谓是身体是革命之本，人身上有一点不舒服，那真是干什么都没劲。还是要抓紧锻炼身体啊。另外想想好端端一个人，有可能说没就没了，真要好好珍惜生命，想想自己到底要做些什么，到老时才不会后悔说把年轻时的大好时光都浪费了！

Away from home

My shooting experience

Wow, time passes really fast. I haven’t updated my blog for a week. Not much has been changed since last week. I’m still wondering about my future. And party is still going on over the weekend.

I went gun shooting on Sunday. We rented the shot gun and shot the flying disks. I got a big bruise on my face and another huge one on my shoulder. Everyone was asking me what’s going on with my face today. Someone thought I was being hit by a Ping Pong ball. :P I felt very embarrassing because with all the bruises I didn’t hit even one flying disk. :( I’m a horrible shooter. Now at least I know there is one thing I can never do – being a hunter. The shooting place is close to Gilroy, in a very beautiful park. There are lots of ducks, turkeys and cows. Those animals must be very used to the gun firing sound. They were just standing there without moving when we were shooting. I bet they know that our shooting distance is limited, ‘cause they stood right out of our reaching area; so even we wanted to shoot them, we won’t be able to reach them. Too bad I didn’t bring my camera with me; otherwise I would have taken some good pictures to put in my blog.

Red Barn

Neither love nor hate

Tears fall soft in my heart ...

By Paul Verlaine

Tears fall soft in my heart
Like raindrops on the city.
Why does this listlessness
Seep deep into my heart?

Soft sounds of falling rain
On the streets and rooftops:
For a languishing heart
O the song of the rain!

The tears fall without reason
In my disheartened heart.
Really? No betrayal?
My heart mourns for no reason.

By far the deepest pain
Is not fathoming why
With neither love nor hate
My heart holds so much pain.

Moving cubes

We moved cubes last Friday. I had my cube re-constructed this morning. So my cube door won't face the hallway. None of my team members gets a window seat, but we sit much closer to each other than before. When V calls me on the phone, I feel like she is talking to me through stereo, 'cause she sits at my left side, and my phone is on the right side. :P I unpacked all my stuff and decorated the empty cube, now it's Grace's cube. :) I may bring my camera in and take some pictures of my new cube tomorrow.

Pismo Beach

Party, Party, Party

It's been a busy weekend for me. Here is my schedule for the past weekend.

Friday:
Dinner with friends, then they all came to my apartment to visit after the dinner. We had about 12 people. We played several games including Pictionary. I'm pretty good at drawing; I did all those difficult ones such as "take out", "slow motion" and even "first door on the left". It was fun; I haven't played that game for years. They stayed till around 2:30 am.

Saturday:
A friend from my Photographer club had a BBQ party at home. We played Ping-Pong, DDR and Karaoke. I didn't take any pictures since our club chairman was there. He took lots of pictures when we tried very hard on the “Dance Dance Revolution”.

Sunday (today):
I played volleyball in the afternoon. Now my arms are all blue and purple. People will think I get AIDS when they see my arms. :P Then I went to a friend's house warming party, actually it was a condo warming party, over 30 people were packed in the 2 bedroom condo. And there I met a girl from yesterday's party. Everybody is like a party animal. The party is still going on when I left.

Every week, I get to know some new faces. Every week, more people know me. It’s a good thing to know new people. But even though my weekend seems so packed, I still feel kinda empty inside my heart. I feel like that I’m wasting my precious time partying. I should do some important thing. I should figure out what my life will be or what my future is. But it’s just so hard for me to image and when I can’t figure out something, I just try to avoid it. So I go to all the parties which keep me occupied. But then I felt bad again. It’s like going a circle. I need some action to break it.

I must felt very low yesterday. I had a conversation with our PM yesterday; she said I'm over analyzing myself. Am I? Or am I in some sort of mid-age crisis? Maybe I'm just exaggerating my problems and being a big whiner. Like what V said, people always feel their own problem bigger than other's, not matter what the problem is. I had some idea about what I should do now but I still need to think about it...

Water Lily

What is the purpose of my life?

What is the goal of my life? I’ve been asking this question to myself for several years, and I still don’t know the answer. When I was a kid, whatever my parents expect from me is my goal. Getting into a good high school, then a good college, then going aboard to get an advanced degree, are all the goals they set up for me. After I got my M. Sc. and got a job in the Valley, suddenly I felt so empty inside. I don’t know what my next goal is. I’m working and I’m good at what I’m working on, but I’m not sure whether this is what I really like. I’m a smart person. Since I was a kid, I can be good at whatever I put my hands on and my heart into. My life is very smooth, top university in China, distinguished student; full scholarship and admission to the university here, 4.0 GPA; good job and stayed in the job while the world was getting laid off. I really liked my job at the beginning, learned a lot of new stuff, got to know many nice people, even practiced my Ping Pong skill at work with my co-workers. But I have been in the same job for about 4 and half years. I’m so used to it now -- so used that makes me bored. I think I need a change, but to what? I don’t think I want to do the same job. I want to change my career. Shall I go back to China? Shall I go to Business School? There was one time I really wanted to go to Business School in France, main reason is just because it is in France, and I wanted to spend some time of my life in Europe. But Business School costs lots of time and money, is it worthy to do? I want to change but I’m afraid of risks. I felt like that I’m in the dark. There is no light out there which I can go for. I don’t know what my future is like, and I’m afraid even when I think about it. There are too many things going on in my mind, and I can’t make a decision. I hope I can have a mentor, someone older and wiser who can give me good instructions on my life and career and who I can trust, but where to find this person?

My Fluffy animals -- Cow Boy Bear

My Fluffy animals -- Molly from Victoria Secret

My Fluffy animals -- Polar Bear & Quackie

Flower -- pink flower

I had a flat tire last Saturday. A friend of mine was supposed to change the tire for me on Sunday. But since the weather was so good Sunday morning, he can't resist playing golf. So he escaped from all the labor work and went to play golf. Luckily, my friend from Seattle was still here, so I had to ask him to change the tire for me. It's a really funny scene for us to change tire. He said it's not his first time to change tire, but he didn't really remember how to do it. So we divided the job between us, my responsibility is to read the instruction from the car menu, and his is to follow the instruction. :D It's actually quite efficient, we didn't spend very long time on the job at all. After he put on the backup tire for me, we went to Costco to buy new tire. The tire really cost me a lot of money and I was told that I need to change all four. :( The technician told me that my tire costs so much because it's a high performance tire for the sports car, even though my car just looks like a sports car, not a real one at all. I asked for low performance tires and he refused. So I have to pay a lot for all the tires. :( Just hope I can drive the car for a long long time before I get to change the tires again.

Flower -- orange flower

I was waiting for my tire to get done at Costco. And I really like fresh flowers at home. So I went in and bought a big bouquet. I spread the flowers into different vases at home. Now my new home looks even better.

Flower -- flower in the mirror

I tried to take the mirror image of the pink flower. Not a very successful one, because you can see me in the mirror too.

Home, home, sweet home -- Ancient porcelain wind-instrument from Peru

I took it off my music collection center to give it an individual shot this morning. It's made in Peru, but I actually got it in Joshua Tree National Park. I can play a little bit, I have one from China too.

Home, home, sweet home -- CD man

CD man on my TV stand. He doesn't have any weights on him yet. I'm sure he's gonna start to really work out soon.

Home, home, sweet home -- Wheatfield with Crows

I took the picture after I got up this morning. Vincent Van Gogh is one of my most favorite artists. I love the strong colors he uses. The blinds shadow on the painting kinda softens the bright color and makes it look interesting.

A friend from 12 years ago

I met a friend from college last Saturday. We haven't seen each other for about 12 years. Time passes so fast, we both changed quite a bit. He looks much stronger, and he thinks I’m more feminine now. :)

I met him during the first year in college. We were so naïve and innocent at that time, I think probably everyone at our age at that time is as naive as us. He was after me at that time. But my parents are always very strict to me. I think they affect me a lot in all my decisions until I came to US. Almost every weekend I went home, they would say something such as not to have a bf in college, ‘cause it would affect my study. I think mainly it’s because my sister used to have a bf in college, and she dropped from the top student to one of the bottom students in one semester. My parents were afraid that I was like her.

So there was really nothing happened between us, we just went out within a big group to have fun. We studied together. And usually we took walk together under the afternoon sun while the campus speakers played the music “Out of Africa”. It was a happy moment, peaceful and romantic. He wrote poems to me, and we held hands sometime when we took the walk. It only lasted for one semester. Because I skipped many classes for the first semester, and dropped from the 2nd place in the midterm exam to out of top 10 in the department after the final exam. When I was at that age, my major responsibility is to make my parents proud of me, I think I still carry that responsibility even right now. I felt so horrible. It actually was not his fault at all, but I wrote him a letter saying that I can’t have a bf in college ‘cause I need to study hard to be in the top. He was hurt but he still wrote back to tell me that I had the right choice and wished me luck. After that day, we stopped seeing each other, I didn't go out with his crowds any more. I really studied hard. I turned down all the people who were after me, and never had a bf in college. When I graduated, I got two bachelor degrees at the same time and also was one of the only two students who won the "Distinguished Student" title in our department. I was the ONLY girl who didn’t have a bf in my class by the time I graduated.

Right now when that period of time flashes back in my mind, I would wonder -- Did I miss anything when I was young? Was it a smart choice just to study hard and miss some life experience? If I didn't choose what I have chosen, what and where will I end up to be now?

I never know that I hurt the boy so much until I met him this time, he told me that at that time even though we didn’t see each other any more, he would go to the building right across the street from my dorm, just want to have a peak of me. I felt so bad to know that. Good to know is that he is happily married right now. I wish him all the best luck.


Shanghai Museum