Choice

The hardest thing in the world is to make a choice, because you know there is no second chance, and you never know whether the other way is better. Life is cruel, it only goes forward, you make your choice, don't ever regret it, 'cause life will never turn back for you.

There was one time; I thought I have found what I have been looking for. I was happy. Now I realized that I just live in the bubble world I build up for myself. I believe in whatever I want to believe in. All the beautiful colors in the bubble are just reflection of my imagination. Now the bubble starts to leak, shrink, the color has faded. Shall I just break it and jump out? It will be hard, my body still wants to hang on within it, still wants to believe what's in the bubble is real life. Will it ever be real?

I hate to make choice, I have made so many choices in my life, and it gets harder and harder. I wish that my life can be much simpler. I thought I had a simple happy life in my bubble, yet, only in the bubble.


Crater Lake

Am I not good enough?

Life gets really hard after certain age. Before, I always think I have a good life, a smooth life. There was never any hardship in my life; I can achieve whatever the goal I set for myself, but not any more.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up, because my mom can't give me whatever I asked for. So I always thought that if I grow up, I can get whatever I want. I seldom cried when I was a kid, even when I watched the saddest movie. I was called cold hearted in my family. I was too naive and way too immature back then, my life was too good, I didn't have any bad experience, so I cannot understand what the movie tried to tell me. But as getting older, life gets harder and harder. I found out that there are so many things I wish to have but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I guess it's fate, if it belongs to you, it will come to you by itself, you don't even need to go look for it. But if it doesn't belong to you, even you spend all your money, energy, emotion; it's still beyond your reach. I cried more often now, because I started to taste the hardship in life more often. Because there are more things I want to get but I cannot. Because life is not as smooth as I imaged before.

Maybe I'm not good enough for what I want. Maybe I'm too immature to ask for what I want.

Sometime, life is just so sad and frustrating.

Life is hard

Heaven

Heaven

It's been a year daddy
I really really miss you
Mommy says your safe now
In a beautiful place called heaven*

Oh I'm thinking about our younger years

*We had your favorite dinner tonite*

there was only you and me

*I ate it all up*

We were young and wild and free

*Even though I don't like carrots*

Now nothing can take you away from me

*I learned how to swim this summer*

We've been down that road before

*I can even open my eyes*

But that's over now

*While I'm under water*

You keep me coming back for more

*Can't you see me?*

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I started kindergarten this year*

Love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*I carry a picture of us
In my Blue's Clues lunchbox*

Oh once in your life you find someone

*You are the greatest daddy*

Who will turn your world around
Pick you up when you're feeling down
Now nothing can change what you mean to me

*I can swing on the swing by myself*

There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now

*Even though I miss you pushing me*

Cause our love will light the way

*Can't you see me?*

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I miss how you used to tickle me*

And love is all that I need

*Tickle my belly*

And I found it there in your heart

*My belly hurts*

It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*I try not to cry*

I've been waiting for so long

*Mommy says it's okay*

For something to arrive
For love to come along

*I know you don't like it when I cry*

Now our dreams are coming true
Through the good times and the bad

*You never wanted me to be sad*

I'll be standing there by you

*I try Daddy but it hurts*

Baby you're all that I want

*Is it true you're not coming home?*

When you're lying here in my arms

*Maybe someday*

I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I can visit you in heaven, okay?*

And love is all that I need
And I've found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*It's time for me to go bed now
I sleep with the light on
Just in case you come home
And kiss me good night
I love you so much
I miss you Daddy*



She tried not to cry, I cried.

Parents are the only people who love you and care for you unconditionally; they are the only people you can fully rely on. They are your shelter when you get hurt outside the home; they always try to protect you even though it's your time to take care of them now. I remembered my dad once told me that no matter what happened, I can just go back to China, go home, and go to them.

Cherish what we have right now. Don't wait till we loose the most precious thing/person in the world, then regret that there are so many things we didn't do when we had chance, that there are so many words we didn't say when we had time. Life is short, cherish every moment.

High Maintainence

I was having dinner with a friend yesterday. We were chatting about relationship during dinner. And he said that girls like me (basically intelligent, humorous, attractive ... :P thanks for putting me into this category) are high maintenance. I was trying to argue with him that I'm not high maintenance. I said I don't buy brand named clothes or purses, I don't have to use the top class cosmetics, and actually I haven't been shopping for clothes for about half a year, and I don’t wear any jewelry at all. But then he explained that the kind of high maintenance for me is not materialized. Girls like me need lots of TLC (tender, love, care), we are emotional high maintenance.

I tried to argue, but I stopped myself before I started to say anything. I was thinking, yeah, I do need lots of attention from the people I care. If I’m in a relationship, I do need lots of touchy or kiss from the person I love. I like to be hugged; I like to hold hands while walking on the street. I like to hear sweet words; I like to receive flowers even there is no special occasion… In this sense, I AM a high maintenance girl.

But who is not? I think in a relationship, everyone is high maintenance. And everyone needs to be emotionally highly maintained. I like to be taken care, and I like to take care of the people I love. I like to express my love when I also know that I can get love in return. Emotion or love is the most fragile thing in the world, it just requires high maintenance.


Red Leaves

Tired

I was lying on my couch for almost 3 hours without moving much. I feel so tired today. My whole body sores from neck to feet. My heart is also very tired, and the heart beating seems to have used all the strength left in my body. I'm so tired but I don't want to sleep. I started to listen to Yiruma again, a little depressed today.

Fall @ Oregan Cave


Keep falling down
-- Sissel

I'm all alone in the rainfall
I hear my name call
I look up but there's no one around

The sky is wild
And the wind blows
I'm out my window
Trying to fly
But I keep falling down

-Chorus-
I will never have that dream again
If I do I'll just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
'till the end of time

I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down

The blinding light silhouettes me
I try to get free
So I run, but I keep falling down

-Chorus-
I will never have that dream again
If I do I just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
To the end of time

And every night
I close my eyes
I hear the voices calling
Don't try to hide
Don't try to fight
It's only sleep
It's just a dream
And your not falling

I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down

Half A World Away

Half A World Away
(Secret Garden)

You're half a world away
Standing next to me
It seems that everyday
I'm losing you almost invisibly
Though you are near
I can't reach that far
Across to where you are
And so you stay
Just half a world away

And I would cross the universe for you
What good would it do if you weren't even there?
'Til you return, until your way is clear
I will be here, not half a world away

You're half a world away
And no one is to blame
If love outlives its day
And turns into an ember from a flame
I love you as before
'Til worlds will be no more
'Til I can find a way
To where you stay
Just half a world away

You're half a world away

Half a world away



Which one is sadder? A couple stays together, but they don't love each other any more, or two people truly love each other, but cannot stay together?

鱼的悲哀就在于
看到了大海，
却没有办法游过去
人的悲哀就在于
看到了结果
却没有办法说服自己
去面对。

-- The grief of a fish is that
the ocean is right in front of its eyes
but it cannot embrace it

The grief of a person is that
he already knows the ending
but he cannot persuade himself to face it.



The song can be also downloaded from here.

Pingpong champion

We just hired this new guy called K a month ago. It's funny when our director introduced him to everyone. In my team, we have the tradition that all new comers need to write something about themselves for the introduction. And the director will read it out during the team all hands meeting. So on that day when the director J introduced K, he was saying that K did this and that before and for sports, K likes to play Ping-Pong. Since I'm the Ping-Pong champion in the team, when he mentioned that K plays PP, everyone was turning their head to look at me (I was sitting in the back of the conference room.) I felt very embarrassed with so many eyes on me, so I just waved my arm and said "Hi, I also play PP!" to K. Then the director continues to read that K is ready to kick somebody's ass. Then everyone was saying "wooooooo" and turned around and looked at me again. Yeah, I'd better buy some butt pad then.

So K has been here for a month now, and I haven't played with him. In Chinese, there is an idiom, 知己知彼，才能百战百胜, which means that you can only beat your opponent if you know your opponent very well. So I went to chat with him, asking him whether he plays in the table tennis club, how long he has been playing, whether he has a rank, and what kind of paddle he uses. And sadly found out that he seems a very good player. My butt started to feel pain now.

Two weeks ago, K came by saying lets play Friday afternoon. I said ok. So that Friday, I played a little with him, I think he wanted to know how I play too, so we didn't play any games. And of course, as usual, I was wearing my skirt and high heels. He is GOOD! He can return most of my smashes, and he has good backhand. After one hour hitting back and forth, plus running left and right, I got a blister on my toe. That never happened before no matter how high my heels are. So he is GOOD!

Finally, last Friday, we decided to play games. I was fully prepared, I had new rubber on my paddle, and I was wearing my tennis shoes. But he is GOOD, so I still lost. We played 4 games, and I only won one game, though the scores for all the games are very close between me and him.

Therefore, I have to give up my Ping-Pong champion title. :( Well, since the score is not that far apart, I think if I have more practice, I still have a chance to gain it back! Good luck to me!



window, shadow

When you are old

When You are Old
-- William Butler Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And, nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep.

How many loved your moments of glad grace
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountain overhead
And his face amid a crowd of stars.

New Mexico -- Go Home

July 9th, 2005

Today is the last day in New Mexico. We're going to head back to San Jose in the afternoon.

BL got up very early in the morning and took the car to next door for window repair. I went to hotel lobby to check email. Then I suddenly found out that instead of Alamo, I actually booked the car from enterprise-rent-a-car. That's why Alamo can't find our record from their database, what a joke!

After a couple of hours, BL took the car back. Except for the tape around the windshield, it looked exactly like before.

Since we still have the whole morning, we drove around Santa Fe and went to visit Santa Fe art museum. After lunch, we were on the way back to Albuquerque airport. We stopped by gas station right before the airport, filling in the gas and peeling off the tape from the windshield. Then we drove to the car rental place, the guy came to check the mileage and he looked around the car. We were so nervous, but he didn't find out anything, Phew! :P Then we happily walked away and took the shuttle to the airport, by then we had enough time to get on the plane. When we got to the airport, ready to check in, I suddenly found out that we lost one bag, which has the e-tickets information and the books BL borrowed from library. BL hurried back to the car rental place, in the mean time, I called the car rental company and asked them whether they found the bag. Luckily, the bag was found and returned to the front desk already. Then I called BL again, telling him to go to the front desk directly to get the bag. Then he called me back from there to tell me the e-tickets confirmation number. I checked in for both of us at the airport. He came back; we barely have enough time to get on to the plane.

After transferring, some delay, we finally got back to San Jose sound and safely. J and W picked us up, and we went directly to P's party. Yeah, Saturday, party night, back to normal life!

Thinking of the whole journey, there are so many things happened:
1. I left tripod and jacket in Vegas; luckily, J took them back for me.
2. We rent the wrong car. :P
3. Crackle on windshield, we had to fix it before we returned the car.
4. I lost my new bracelet.
5. We forgot the bag, and had to go back to the car rental place to pick up, almost missed the plane.
6. I lost my best collection of CDs in Vegas. I left in the rental car, and my friends forgot to pick it up for me. All my most favorite original CDs!!! :((

But still, I really enjoy the trip! I took many beautiful pictures! If I have a chance, I still want to go back to New Mexico again!


Santa Fe

New Mexico -- Taos (3)

July 8th, 2005

In front of St. Jerome Chapel


The present San Geronimo, or St. Jerome, Chapel was completed in 1850 to replace the original church which was destroyed in the War with Mexico by the U.S. Army in 1847. That church, the ruins still evident on the west side of the village, was first built in 1619. It was then destroyed in the Spanish Revolt of 1680 but soon rebuilt on the same site. St. Jerome is the patron saint of Taos Pueblo.

Ruins from the original church


During the war, the army locked hundreds of local Indians in the church and burned the church. All the people who died in the fire were buried next to the church. The church ruin then became the grave yard for local Indians.

Graveyard


The grave yard is still used today. If a local Indian dies, he/she will still be buried here with his/her ancestors. But the grave yard size is limited, so locals will take out some crosses and bury the new body in the same spot. You can see the crosses piling up by the corner of the wall in the "Ruins from the original church" picture, those are all the crosses which are taken out from the grave yard.

Waiting ...


How can people treat life like dirt? How can they just burn so many people to death? People's lives are precious. We should always cherish our lives. But some people seem not to care about a life at all. I read some news online about current college students in China. Some students just suicide because they cannot get used to the college life, because they have never lived on their own before. I feel like our education system is a big failure. They teach students how to get a high score to go to college, but don't teach any student how to be a successful human being, how to live a real life. Life doesn't just belong to ourselves, we also carry responsibilities. Life doesn't just compose of studying either, there are so many things we need to do. We need to be responsible to the people who give our lives, to the people who love and care about us. Things are always easy for the dead people, but hard for the people who need to deal with it. How can a person just be so selfish, discarding all the responsibility he/she carries on and leaving the world, leaving the people who care about him/her?

New Mexico -- Taos (2)

July 8th, 2005

Taos Indian Pueblo

I was very excited to see Indian Pueblo. I saw so many nice pictures about it from the tourist book, finally I can take my own pictures.

Indian Pueblo (I)


The Pueblo is made entirely of adobe -- earth mixed with water and straw, then either poured into forms or made into sun-dried bricks. The walls are frequently several feet thick. The roofs of each of the five stories are supported by large timbers -- vigas -- hauled down from the mountain forests. Smaller pieces of wood -- pine or aspen latillas -- are placed side-by-side on top of the vigas; the whole roof is covered with packed dirt. The outside surfaces of the Pueblo are continuously maintained by replastering with think layers of mud. Interior walls are carefully coated with thin washes of white earth to keep them clean and bright. The Pueblo is actually many individual homes, built side-by-side and in layers, with common walls but no connecting doorways.

Indian Pueblo (II)


In the earlier days, there were no doors or windows and entry was gained only from the top. And for defense purpose, the Indians use ladders to get to the second level, then get into the adobe.

Indian Pueblo (III)


The pueblo doesn't have electricity and sewer system. So right now, only about 4 or 5 families still live inside pueblo. Most of the local Indians are not living in the pueblo any more; they live outside the pueblo in more modernized area, and come back from time to time to check out the house and their business -- mostly hand crafts store.

Indian Pueblo (IV)


This is local's cooking utility. They light fire inside to bake the Indian bread.

Door, Ladder, Chili ring


Indians always have very bright color, which are reflected in their clothes, crafts, even in the pueblo. Brown, blue and red, locals just left the stuff without any intention, but to me, it's the best scene.

New Mexico -- Taos (1)

July 8th, 2005

Before the trip, BL borrowed several books about New Mexico from the library. Based on what we read or more exactly, the pictures we saw from the books, we set the places we are going to visit and planed our trip. One place we both are really interested to go is Taos.

Taos is about one hour drive north from Santa Fe. We got up pretty late that day, (well, like all the rest days), and drove to Taos around noon. Since the crack on the windshield is still growing, we drove very slowly and carefully avoided all the big trucks along the way.

First thing we did in Taos is to find a restaurant for lunch! Even today, BL still mentions that this vacation is the most relaxing vacation he ever has so far. Yeah, it is a pretty relaxing vacation. Even though all the hotels we stayed provide continental breakfast, we only had once in the hotel. The rest days, we just slept as long as we wanted and got up before noon. Then we just drove around and looked for a nice restaurant with happy music, sat in, and enjoyed our lunch!

It's no exception today! We saw this neat Indian pueblo style Mexican restaurant and went in. It has a pretty big front yard; we chose a table outside under a tree. After ordering some food, we chatted a little bit and just sat there enjoying the environment. Sun is very warm, but we were sitting in the shade, and the wind cooled us down. The air is filled with happy Mexican music, with a little episode added in by the bees. We almost forgot the time, just stayed there enjoying the food and savoring the quiet moment.

San Francisco Church (I)


We really took our time and enjoyed the food. After lunch, we went to San Francisco Church next to the restaurant.

San Francisco Church (II)


I really like the adobe structure of the church, simple, practical, and artistic. It's a really nice place to take pictures.