温暖的感觉，真好 (The warm feelig)

她的手总是冰冷的，即使在炎热的夏天，她的手心出汗的时候，手温也还是低的。他在的时候，常常会把她的手握在自己的手心里，冬天时他会掀开自己衣服的下摆，将她的手捂在自己的肚皮上，使她僵硬的手总能很快的暖和过来。可是现在他不在了，她整日的呆在公司里。办公室里的人总在厨房里见到她孤独的身影，一杯一杯的接着喝热茶。他们都说她是一个茶罐子，要用茶来兴奋自己去面对繁忙的工作。其实，她只不过是借助热水的温度来暖一下自己的手罢了。工作累了的下午，她会一个人在厨房里，冲一杯热热的茶，靠在厨房的大玻璃窗边，让阳光静静的洒在身上。茶水暖着她的手，使她回想起被他的手握住的感觉。她想，温暖的感觉，真好。

Sail at Shoreline Park

I was a model too.

Simple took this picture. I really like it, especially the color. I thought Zhou Tian is not matching in the picture, but everyone else thinks this is the best picture from the event. So maybe I know nothing about photographing then. :( Simple has another picture of me; I think I look better in both of his pictures. I look fat in all other pictures taken by the rest photographers. Hmmm, maybe I am fat now, only looking ok from this angel. :(

I need to learn how to make this kind of color from Photoshop. I always want to go to the discarded car junk yard to take some pictures. I like to have the pictures in a decadent mood. Need to ask models to wear broken jeans, sunglasses, and smoke cigarettes.

Photographers

I took a few pictures of the photographers too during Sunday's model shooting event. This one is pretty funny; I like their expression and postures.

I saw the pictures other photographers posted online, seems I have a lot to learn for model photographing. Compared to theirs, the pictures I took are not good at all. Wish we could have some sessions on how to take portraits next time.

Also, I saw the pictures they took for me online. I look so fat. :( (Even though someone trimmed out my fat for me. :P) I need to loose some weight now. So I went to gym today, burned about 400 cal, and played Ping-Pong for one hour. Need to keep working out and eating less.


Photographers

Model Photographing

I have joined the photographing group for several months now. Yesterday I organized my first photographing event -- "Model Photographing". It was an interesting experience. I shot models and I was a model too. :P I have 5 of my girl friends as the models, and about 7,8 photographers from my club. The weather was a little bit cold yesterday. All my models were kind of frozen standing outside in the late afternoon, but they did a very good job as in putting on nice smile or expression on their face and keeping the posture even though their body is shaking in the chilly weather. The shooting place is actually where I live. We shot in my apartment complex. So it's convenient for models to change clothes and warm up. (Since I have such a nice apartment. :P)

This time I didn't feel so embarrassing of my camera, (not like last time when we went shooting the birds), 'cause mine is not the smallest or worst this time. :P But I still like the big DSLR, the shutter just sounds so sexy to me. I'll definitly get one when the price comes down and when my shooting skill improves.


Model Photographing

My posts in the forum

Today I feel like that I really have some talent in writing. I'm always studying Engineering, dealing with numbers and algorithms. When I was in high school, I didn't get good score in my Chinese class. And in college, we don't have such class any more. So I seldom write articles. But I do like to read – novels and good prose. I'm more interested into prose which talks about love, life and death now. Probably it's because I'm getting old. And I started to write in my blog, trying to keep a journal of my thoughts, mood, and emotions.

I always read this online Chinese forum "Born in 70's", since it's from my age group. The day before, I started to post some of my articles there too. I posted about 4 articles, and later on I found out that 3 of them have been put on the top of the list, and they also are collected in the "Best Articles" section now. I feel very proud of myself.

Nightmare (梦魇)

从梦中惊醒，发觉浑身冰凉，手心里全是汗。还是那个梦，那个做了一遍又一遍的梦。在梦中，我又回到小时候和父母一起住的公寓楼。父母住在顶楼，我欢欣雀跃地要到楼上去看望他们。在我上楼时，楼梯突然变得奇怪起来，有时向上，有时向下。有很多次，只要再上一层楼就可以到家了，已经能看到父母住的公寓的门了，可是楼梯又开始向下转去。怎么走也走不到顶楼。有的时候，在梦里，我会记得去爬墙，好不容易到达顶楼，敲开父母家的门。发现我不认识来开门的人，父母已经不住在那儿了。可是我没有他们新的地址，他们好像就这样消失了。只觉得自己的心一下就被淘空了。从梦中醒来，心脏狂跳不止，有时感觉它好像跳到了喉咙口，觉得窒息，只能掀开被子大口大口的呼吸。睁大眼睛盯着天花板上倒映的数字钟，使劲告诉自己这只是一个梦，可眼泪还是会不由自主地顺着脸颊淌下来，浸湿半边枕头。半夜里，会有冲动想要打电话回家，又害怕梦会是真实的预兆。也不愿告诉父母自己的梦，怕他们会担心。只能辗转反侧，不敢入睡，怕又回到同样的梦境中。

我祈祷，希望在大洋彼岸的父母身体健康。

Dream

I didn't sleep well last night, keeping waking up the whole night. I think I had some dreams. I don't remember what exactly happened in my dream, all I can remember is that there're many people in it, but all strangers. I remembered I saw some face, but don't recognize him. I just felt so tired this morning when the alarm woke me up.

I used to have dream every night when I was sleeping. And I can always remember the dream I had.

There was one time I always had the same dream over and over, and it scared me a lot. In that dream, I was back in China. The background is the building where my parents live. I'm looking for my parents. Everything seems so real in the dream, exactly the same building in real life. They live on the top floor, no elevator. I start to go up stairs, I go and go, but the stairs turns so weird. Sometime it goes up, sometime it goes down. I can see the door of the apartment, but no matter how I turn on the stairs, I just can't reach it. Many times, it seems that I only need to go upstairs for one more floor, the door is right there, but then the stairs starts to lead down. It's like a maze, and I can't get to the end. Sometime in my dream, I climb, I jump, finally when I reach the door and ring the bell, the person who opens the door is NOT my mom. My parents don't live there any more. And I don’t know where they move to, they were just gone.

I was often startled and waken up by those dreams, feeling so much pain inside the heart. I cannot breath. It feels like that they left me and I can never see them any more. In the middle of night, I would stare at the ceiling and try very hard to calm myself down and hold the urge to call them. I don't want to scare them or let them worried. The dream is so vivid in my memory. Even now, when I’m writing it, it just appears in front of my eyes, and still scares me.

Love & Happiness (幸福与爱情)

幸福

幸福就是半夜起来给他掖背角时，他抱住你的胳膊说喜欢你，又转身沉沉睡去的时候。
幸福就是在你说手冷时，他把你的手握在他宽大温暖的掌心中的时候。
幸福就是你在半夜醒来，有人在背后紧紧拥着你的感觉。
幸福就是大家在一起吃饭时，他把菜夹到你的盘子里的时候。
幸福就是知道有人会时时刻刻惦念着你的时候。

爱情

爱情就是在他熟睡的时候，轻轻地吻他的脸庞。
爱情就是在你只剩下一块红豆蛋糕时，舍不得吃，一定要带回去给他吃的时候。
爱情就是无论在你多忙时，一听他需要你，就会放下手头的事去帮他分忧解难。
爱情就是你会心甘情愿地为他去做你都不愿为自己打点的事情。
爱情就是无论有多少人，你在人群中只看到他的时候。

每个人都希望有一段刻骨铭心的爱情，其实幸福和爱情都是由日常生活中的点滴小事组成的。不奢望有痛彻心扉的爱情，只希望平常生活中的幸福能历经天长地久，成为自己的经典爱情。

――读伊能静的《生死遗言》有感。

Tears (眼泪)

流泪只为了一种原因，为了你想要得到却得不到的东西。小的时候，流泪可能只是为了想要一个玩具或一根雪糕；而长大以后则可能是为了一段无法满足的情，一个不能得到心的人，一个你期望能改过却又来不及的事。

随着年龄的增长，发现自己的眼泪慢慢多了起来。小的时候，我是不怎么哭的。家里的人坐在一起看悲情电视，除了我之外都在唏嘘流泪。而我总是一幅不在乎的神态，想不过就是一电影吗，有什么好值得哭的呢？结果被家里人冠为“没心没肺”之名。长大之后，有时会去放小时候看过的老片子看，看到一半时会突然发现自己已泪流满面，惊觉自己并不是“铁石心肠”啊。只是少时不懂，没有相应的生活经历，对电影里的人和事都不能理解。大了以后，对生活有了种种感受，看着电影，也能联想起发生在自己身边的点点滴滴，触动了心事，体会到电影中所描述的情和事，才会流泪。看小说，听音乐，也时常会感动得流泪。我想人在逐渐成熟的过程中，也会由理性向感性转变，至少我是这样的。现在的我对生活或艺术作品更有感触，更能联想起自己的亲身经历。好的作品不仅可以开阔我的想象力，更多地会勾起我对往事的回忆，让我对自己有更深刻地认识。人成熟后，才会真正流泪。

海阔天空

Weekend Alone (一个人的周末)

慵懒的早晨，阳光透过百叶窗的缝隙照射进来，在地毯上印下条条斑马纹。手机铃在响，懒得爬起来去接。J的留言，问我要不要去饮茶，看看时间已晚，于是推辞掉了。打开热水龙头，浴室里弥漫着暖暖的湿气，细细的洗尽了身上残留的体味。裹着大浴巾，给自己热了一杯豆奶，房间响起了柴科夫斯基的乐曲，我又坐在了电脑前面。这两天有些沉迷于“安妮宝贝”的小说。从未想过会喜欢她的小说，一直以为她和卫慧，绵绵一样，只会通过写性来卖书。也是偶尔在网上闲逛时翻开了她的《二三事》，因也没有别的什么是要做，所以就读了起来。谁知静下心来一读，发现在很多事或情绪上非常有共鸣，常常觉得她好像在描述自己的心态似的。她的小说是十分情绪性的，故事性并不是很强或很有逻辑，但我很喜欢开她对人物心态，思维的描写，十分细腻。只是她的小说读起来比较颓废，看完后心情觉得很压抑。

喜欢在周末的白天一人在家的感觉，尤其是太阳好的时候，喜欢阳光洒在沙发上。我会斜躺在沙发上，冲一杯热茶，放自己最喜欢的音乐，悠闲的读小说。读累的时候，也会想出去走走。带上一个Hiking用的水包，背上我的相机，找一个安静的公园，走走照照。一个人的日子是可以很悠闲的。

Saturday

Tax Day

Trying to finish my tax return tonight. Still confusing about ESPP part. :( Why do we have to do tax? Why isn't there some software which you only need to input your social security id and it will collect all the information you need and then calculate it for you? That will make my world much easier and simpler. Oh, I hate to do tax, especially when the result is that I need to pay more! :((

Tax bugs me!

依赖 (Rely)

有很多事，习惯后就成为依赖。像上网，已成为日常生活中不可缺少的一部分。而一日不能上网查收邮件，就会觉得少了点什么。又如现在手机横飞的时代，很多人通过手机可以聊上几个小时，而见面却说不了几句话。一旦忘记带手机或电池没了电，心就会在那儿悬着，总觉着有该接的电话没有接到似的。也只有在这时，才会觉着这些日常生活中的事情对自己的影响有多大。

女人其实是一种依赖性很强的动物，很容易将习惯变成依赖。有人可以依赖也是一种幸福，一种安全感，知道在困难时或是心情不好时可以有所依靠，这样在问题来临时也就不会有太大的畏惧。这也许就是女人总想找一个强壮的肩膀作为避风港的原因吧。有避风港的女人总是很娇柔的，因为她们有人护着，很多事情不需要自己去操心打点。可是依赖性过重往往会使她们失去生活的重心，一旦失去了她们可以依赖的避风港，她们会觉得遭受到象世界末日一样沉重的打击。我的父母和最好的朋友总是告诫我说做人要独立，一定不要依赖心太重。其实像别人一样，如果允许的话，我也愿意有个依赖。但是我知道，一旦失去了这个依赖，对我自己的伤害会很大。我想这也许是我一直很小心保护自己的原因之一。因此在别人的眼里，我是一个非常独立的女性。其实，我不过是因为害怕和惰性而不敢去尝试罢了。人是一个矛盾体，有时我觉得独立很好，自己只要照顾好自己就可以了，不用操心其他的事。可是在孤独时还是会想要拥有依赖的感觉。而在有依赖的感觉时又怕会随时失去这种感觉而受到伤害。也许做人应该积极一些，不要总因为害怕而不去尝试，而是应该在尝试的同时想着怎样去完善去巩固。不要因为怕摔跤而失去走路的自由，不要因为怕飞而放弃俯瞰世界的理想！

Shoreline Park

Took on Saturday afternoon in Shoreline Park

Shoreline Park (1)


Shoreline Park (2)

Flower

Flower

I took this picture on Saturday in Shoreline Park. I took a few of the flowers. This is not focused right, but the effect turns out very nice. I really like it. But I have no idea what is the name of the flower.

Shoreline Park

Yesterday I had lunch with my girl friends. After lunch, they wanted to go shopping. Since the weather was so since, I really wanted to have a walk outside and take some nice pictures. So I decided to leave them and went to take a walk in Shoreline Park.

Shoreline Park is one of my favorite places for walking. It's close by, and has easy trails by the water. I like to hike where there is water next to the trail. My favorite hiking places are Point Lobos and Point Reyes, both by the ocean. I walked for a little over 2 hours. I saw all kinds of birds, but I can only tell Canadian goose and wild ducks. There were 2 people sailing in the lake under sunset. I took quite a few of their snap shots.

On the way back, I decided to drive along Charleston Rd, where our old campus located. I really like the old campus; I had lots of good memories there -- all those good old days. SGI was right across the street at that time. They had such a nice campus, with Beach volleyball court in the campus. We always took a walk around their campus after lunch; sometime we would go all the way to Shoreline Park. Now everything has changed, no SGI there any more. It is Google now; they took over the SGI campus, along with our old building too. I was playing Yiruma's music in the car while I was driving along Charleston; suddenly my car was filled with sadness.

Sail

Golden Gate Bridge night view

We were in Asia SF dancing. And suddenly the power was out. So we had to leave.

We went up to Marina to see Golden Gate bridge. It was after midnight, only a few cars on the mountain, very quiet there. Golden Gate bridge looks extraordinarily beautiful in the dark. I brought my camera with me this time, but no tripod. So I just climbed up the chair, sticking my head out of the sun roof. I put my camera on top of the car and took the Golden Gate bridge night view picture. Unfortunately, the roof of the car is not flat, it's very hard to position my camera, and it's also very windy outside, hard to keep the camera still. I can only take a few pictures before both of my hands got numb. But it's all worth for such a splendid view.


Golden Gate Bridge

Asia SF

R organized the party at Asia SF Friday night. 14 people including me went there. I have never been there before, and R just said that he booked for dinner and there would be some shows. Then I found out that Asia SF is not only a restaurant but also a night club. And the most special thing about it is that all the waitresses are transsexual, and they are also the performers.

It felt kind of weird to see those waitresses. Some are really pretty, and have very good bodies that real women would be jealous of. The only thing which can tell they are transsexual is their voice. Their voice is still low, such as our waitress's. But they are all good performers; some are hilarious on the stage. We were trying very hard to figure out whether they had real surgery or just had female hormone injection. But none of us can tell, I think some of them had the surgery.

Downstairs is the club. When we first got there, we had to wait for our table to get ready, so we went downstairs to take a look. At the corner of the room, there is a small stage, with curtains around it. Some girls were having a bachelor party there, and they hired a male stripper and made a lot of noises. Later on after dinner and show, we went downstairs again to dance. There was a girl (I think she is drunk), she went up to the stage and started to dance around the steel pipe. Then all the people just gathered around the stage watching her dancing, somebody even went up there to give her tips. People drink, get high, and do stuff without thinking -- typical American club style.

Asia SF performer/waitress

心动

世上的东西，有些失去之后就难以得到。
友谊如此，缘分如此，机会如此，感情如此。
要不然还有什么值得珍惜。

有一种朋友，需要天天见面，事事关心，或许，常常摩擦--为了“园容相处”，让自己的缺口被对方填满，更适合“二”在一起。

另一种朋友，很长一段时间见一面，像周期性的抛物线，今年谈去年见面的情景或年年谈第一次交叉线的悸动，百说不厌！冲动，从来没有存在过；思念，却习惯性的出现在某个季节。这种朋友叫做“惯性”。

也有朋友，很少见面，靠默契，灵通，第六感，总给对方需要的悸动，感动，甚至心动的感觉，期待每次的心灵交流，哪怕只有在E-mail，平信，问候的电话，都令人兴奋不已。这类朋友是“缘定”。

逃避不一定躲得过，
面对不一定最难受，
孤单不一定不快乐，
得到不一定能长久，
失去不一定不再有，
转身不一定最软弱。

别急着说别无选择，别以为世上只有对与错，许多事情的答案，都不是只有一个，所以我们永远有路可以走。

Remember, 你能找个理由难过，也一定能找到快乐，懂得放心的人找到轻松，懂得遗忘的人找到自由，懂得关怀的人找到朋友。

我想有时候，一篇短文，一篇文章，一个人，一句话... 都曾给我们心动的感觉，这是一种心灵上的悸动，好好把握这种感觉，别等失去了，才在后悔。记住，人生若不是现在，那是何时，请永永远远记住这一刻的感觉。

On the way

Yiruma

Yiruma is a Korean Pianist. Last year I happened to see a flash "Love Letter" online, about a beautiful but sad love story. The flash became one of my favorites. You can totally understand it even you don't read Chinese. I watched it over and over. And I really like the music in the flash. The music is called "kiss the rain" from Yiruma's piano album -- "From the yellow room". Since then, I started to search Yiruma's albums. I once found a pretty good website which has several of his albums I can listen to. But unfortunately it doesn't work any more and it doesn't allow downloading anyway. So I went to Korean town to look for his CDs, I can't find any there. I even tried to look for his CDs in China, but can't find any either. Luckily, my Korean co-worker had one CD of his album "First Love"; I made a copy from it. I always play it when I'm working, very soothing. When I listen to it, I feel like there is a stream flowing through my heart, soft but warm. It always calms me down.

Landscape

IQ Test

I was chatting with V last night. She is in Singapore for business trip. And she needed to interview someone for globalization test. She was asking my help to find her some IQ test problems. So I told her my favorite one. (I like this one because I solved this one myself and I had a math proof for it. :))
Here it is:
An irregular shaped bottle full of beer. A guy starts to drink the beer from the bottle. How can he find out that he drinks exactly half bottle of beer without any assistance? (No spitting out or back into the bottle, that's the mostly asked question when I give the problem to other people. :P)

Here is another one, a very good one, but I didn't solve it myself, which makes me feel very stupid about myself.
A captain wants to shoot all his 10 soldiers. But he wants to have an excuse to shoot them all. So he gives each soldier a hat, the hat can be either black color or white color. He told the soldiers that they need to stand in a straight line, one after another. The person can only see the people in front of him, but not the people behind him. Then he will ask each one what color of the hat the soldier wears, starting from the last guy (who stands in the last and who can see all other 9 hats). If the soldier answers correct, he would be saved, otherwise, he would be shot by the captain. Then the captain will ask the next guy, so on and so forth. All the soldiers can only answer one word, either white or black. But one soldier is very smart, he thinks of a solution, which can maximize the people who will give the correct answer. What is the solution?

Run away

Green

Finally I took some pictures again! N and I drove around Milpitas. The mountain looks so green, especially in a cloudy day. I really like the weather here; even it rains a lot this year. When you are in the mountain, you can only hear the sound of the nature. Everything is so peaceful and quiet around you. You can smell the grass before the rain drops. I feel very relaxing and refreshing, a good break from those busy weekend parties. :)

Cows