She asked "Do you love me?"
He answered "Yes, I love you, very much!" He didn't lie, he does love her indeed, but his love has nothing to do with family and responsibility.
Love, void and immaterialized, is what he can give her. Family and responsibility, real and materialized, are NOT what he can provide her.
She understands that the relationship between them cannot afford anything, not even the touch of breeze. It's so fragile, like a sand castle carelessly built up by a kid, any external force, even just a little puppy tottering by, it will collapse completely. The only thing which still ties them together is their passion and love, she has never loved anyone like she does for him, she thinks this is the true love, at least from her side. But passion will fade, love can die too, there is no other bond between them. Like a loosely tied knot, with the gentlest touch, it will fall into two parts.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Friday, September 15, 2006
意义与过程
人生的终点是死，是空无，在终点找不到意义。于是我们只好说：意义在于过程。
可是，当过程也背叛我们的时候，我们又把眼光投向终点，安慰自己说：既然结局一样，何必在乎过程？
I guess human being is just a contradictory animal, which always try to find any excuse for their unreasonable behaviors.
归根结底，我觉得人就是一矛盾体，还不停的给自己任何的行为找理由罢了。
可是，当过程也背叛我们的时候，我们又把眼光投向终点，安慰自己说：既然结局一样，何必在乎过程？
I guess human being is just a contradictory animal, which always try to find any excuse for their unreasonable behaviors.
归根结底，我觉得人就是一矛盾体，还不停的给自己任何的行为找理由罢了。
幸福
世上还是有幸福的，那就是我们业已失去的一些非常平凡的价值。在病人眼里，健康是福。在受难者眼里，平安是福。可是，在我们尚未失去它们时，我们却并不引以为幸福。人心固重难而轻易，舍近而求远，所以幸福是难的。
逃避
身处一种旷日持久的灾难之中，为了同这灾难拉开一个心理距离，可以有种种办法。乐观者会尽量“朝前看”，把眼光投向雨过天晴的未来，看到灾难的暂时性，从而怀抱一种希望。悲观者会尽量居高临下地“俯视”灾难，把它放在人生虚无的大背景下来看，看破人间祸福的无谓，从而产生一种超脱的心境。倘若我们既非乐观的诗人，亦非悲观的哲人，而只是得过且过的普通人，我们仍然可以甚至必然有意无意地掉头不看眼前的灾难，尽量把注意力放在生活中尚存的别的欢乐上，哪怕是些极琐屑的欢乐，只要我们还活着，这类欢乐是任何灾难都不能把它们彻底消灭掉的。所有这些办法，实质上都是逃避，而逃避常常是必要的。
如果我们骄傲得不肯逃避，或者沉重得不能逃避，怎么办呢？
剩下的唯一办法是忍。
我们终于发现，忍受不可忍受的灾难是人类的命运。接着我们又发现，只要咬牙忍受，世上并无不可忍受的灾难。
摘自周国平经典作品 《妞妞：一个父亲的札记》
如果我们骄傲得不肯逃避，或者沉重得不能逃避，怎么办呢？
剩下的唯一办法是忍。
我们终于发现，忍受不可忍受的灾难是人类的命运。接着我们又发现，只要咬牙忍受，世上并无不可忍受的灾难。
摘自周国平经典作品 《妞妞：一个父亲的札记》
Monday, September 11, 2006
Chaotic minds
Life is just like a running river. It rushes through the earth, doesn't even have enough time to pause a little so that it can smell the frangrance of the little wild flowers and enjoy the beautiful butterflies along the banks. I feel my life is out of pace right now, I want to buy some time, let it stop for me for a while, so I can think and act and gain control back of my own life.
It's my own fault to loose the control of my life, I was just being too lazy, don't want to take care of it, and let it go wherever it wants, now it's kinda out of my control, so I need to think a way to gain it back.
I feel like there are so many things in my mind, my life, my job, my relationship... My time seems always occupied, even though I don't feel like that I have accomplished anything. I read my blog from a year ago, I don't feel like I grow any wiser in the past year, my life seems staying in the same spot, I still feel like I'm wasting my precious life. I really feel the urgent to take a break and to think it through now.
What will be my future like? What will you see when you think of your future? Big house? Stable life? Interesting job? Someone you love and who loves you next to you? That's what I want, but that's not what I see. Sometime, the image of my future just flashes in front of my eyes unexpectedly, without me knowing it or thinking about it. Especially when I'm in a semi-unconscious state, like just before I fall into sleep, or sometime when I read the word "future", it will appear, like a mirage -- I saw myself standing on a big cruise, wind blows on my short hair and white wind coat. The cruise tours around the world, it goes around and around, but never stops. I know I always want to travel the world, but I feel there is something not right in the image, I don't see smile on my face, I'm standing there by myself with all the people partying around me, but I feel extremey lonely. Even though I see the world, but no one is there to share with. This image really scares me, is that the life I want? Is that the life I'll get? I hope not!
My friend asked me how far I can go to get what I want in a relationship? How much can I bear with or sacrifice in order to get it? I don't know, I don't have a clear answer. I guess as a pessimistic and passive person, I just do whatever I can until the day I cannot bear with it any more. When you are first in a relationship, you only see the happiness, if we live in a fairy tale, it will be happy ever after. Too bad I'm not Snow White or Cinderella, I have to deal with the frustration, sadess and depression. Then there will be more and more frustration, until it reaches a point that it weighs as much as the happiness, now what will you do? Give it up or hope it will turn around? Everyone will wish it turns around. Sometime even though you think you see the result, but you still want to hang on it, you just can't let it go because it will break the heart. With the time passing by, you are getting more used to it, then maybe one day, you can't bear with it any more, or you found out that love has already faded, even you say "Honey, I love you!", it's not from your deepest heart any more, it is just your daily routine. Then you think you really need to move on, but will you regret at that time because you spend so much time on something which doesn't have a future? Will you feel your life goal is getting further and further? Will you rather give it up when you think you see the result than give it up after going through all these suffering? But I know for most of people including myself, if I don't see the result clearly and vividly in front of my own eyes, it's hard to give it up, because you will always wonder whether it will turn around if you persist.
I have so many questions in my mind I don't know the solution. I was planning to go to some cemetery today and have a peaceful mind to think it through, but I didn't get the chance. I feel like I need to be alone for a while. I want to travel alone to some place, like a small town where nobody knows me and stay there for a couple of days. Maybe I can go to church and chat with the priest, listening to some totally unrelated person's opinion, he may see some important facts which I can never see myself as an insider.
I want to take a break, organize my life, learn something useful and new. I want to have an exciting, colorful and happy life, I want to have something interesting and memorable to write on my tombstone when I die. So many thoughts, how will I take action?
It's my own fault to loose the control of my life, I was just being too lazy, don't want to take care of it, and let it go wherever it wants, now it's kinda out of my control, so I need to think a way to gain it back.
I feel like there are so many things in my mind, my life, my job, my relationship... My time seems always occupied, even though I don't feel like that I have accomplished anything. I read my blog from a year ago, I don't feel like I grow any wiser in the past year, my life seems staying in the same spot, I still feel like I'm wasting my precious life. I really feel the urgent to take a break and to think it through now.
What will be my future like? What will you see when you think of your future? Big house? Stable life? Interesting job? Someone you love and who loves you next to you? That's what I want, but that's not what I see. Sometime, the image of my future just flashes in front of my eyes unexpectedly, without me knowing it or thinking about it. Especially when I'm in a semi-unconscious state, like just before I fall into sleep, or sometime when I read the word "future", it will appear, like a mirage -- I saw myself standing on a big cruise, wind blows on my short hair and white wind coat. The cruise tours around the world, it goes around and around, but never stops. I know I always want to travel the world, but I feel there is something not right in the image, I don't see smile on my face, I'm standing there by myself with all the people partying around me, but I feel extremey lonely. Even though I see the world, but no one is there to share with. This image really scares me, is that the life I want? Is that the life I'll get? I hope not!
My friend asked me how far I can go to get what I want in a relationship? How much can I bear with or sacrifice in order to get it? I don't know, I don't have a clear answer. I guess as a pessimistic and passive person, I just do whatever I can until the day I cannot bear with it any more. When you are first in a relationship, you only see the happiness, if we live in a fairy tale, it will be happy ever after. Too bad I'm not Snow White or Cinderella, I have to deal with the frustration, sadess and depression. Then there will be more and more frustration, until it reaches a point that it weighs as much as the happiness, now what will you do? Give it up or hope it will turn around? Everyone will wish it turns around. Sometime even though you think you see the result, but you still want to hang on it, you just can't let it go because it will break the heart. With the time passing by, you are getting more used to it, then maybe one day, you can't bear with it any more, or you found out that love has already faded, even you say "Honey, I love you!", it's not from your deepest heart any more, it is just your daily routine. Then you think you really need to move on, but will you regret at that time because you spend so much time on something which doesn't have a future? Will you feel your life goal is getting further and further? Will you rather give it up when you think you see the result than give it up after going through all these suffering? But I know for most of people including myself, if I don't see the result clearly and vividly in front of my own eyes, it's hard to give it up, because you will always wonder whether it will turn around if you persist.
I have so many questions in my mind I don't know the solution. I was planning to go to some cemetery today and have a peaceful mind to think it through, but I didn't get the chance. I feel like I need to be alone for a while. I want to travel alone to some place, like a small town where nobody knows me and stay there for a couple of days. Maybe I can go to church and chat with the priest, listening to some totally unrelated person's opinion, he may see some important facts which I can never see myself as an insider.
I want to take a break, organize my life, learn something useful and new. I want to have an exciting, colorful and happy life, I want to have something interesting and memorable to write on my tombstone when I die. So many thoughts, how will I take action?
Monday, September 04, 2006
佛说，至少曾经爱过 …… (ZT)
参禅始终是一种领悟，其间山山水水的往复，大约便是弃离俗世前必经的苦难。而被佛称之为万丈红尘的地方，却始终有一种美艳的光彩，摇弋在凡夫俗子间，让人又爱又恨，且悲且喜。佛说：苍生难渡。
水月问镜花，你说那束妍丽绝伦的光彩究竟是什么？镜花似乎有些答非所问，她说，随心所欲。
我一遍又一遍不厌其烦地望着这充满禅机的问答，试图从中找出我和你之间所有问题的症结所在，却一无所获，最终只好对着即将到来的离别微笑，以比特为单位爬过千山万水的微笑无法在到达后重新整合，早已失却了原本的甜蜜气息。俗世中多少有始无终的爱情，所谓因果，可谁又做错了什么呢？
既然终究是一场空，那么故事中的男女，无论以何种面目出现，都将是这红尘俗世里注定的悲哀，这悲哀由眼瞳直直地刺入心窝，让人很久、很久都无法释怀。
镜花和水月，或是你和我，又或是寂寞和寂寞。
你在雪域高原大草原的洌洌寒风里恪守着自己的选择，这选择据说来源于理想，和一种沉淀的需要，我遥遥地却也是近在咫尺地望着你，望着你这冠冕堂皇的理由背后掺杂着的一丝逃避。你在那荒芜人烟的地方实现着自己的青春，离天堂很近，离佛祖大约也很近。有一天你说，你向佛祖许了愿，希望你的出现能带给我快乐。我记得当时我笑了笑，这算不算快乐的点滴？又或者我的出现能排解你的寂寞，远离红尘的寂寞。
佛说：每个人所见所遇到的都早有安排，一切都是缘。缘起缘尽，缘聚缘散，一切都是天意。镜花和水月百思不得其解，那我们活着还有什么意义呢？任何的努力都是白费，天意安排一切。于是佛慈悲地伸出那普渡众生的手，声音有一种瓮声瓮气的憨厚，你来你走你进你退根本就是你自己的选择，这一念之差便足以决定你的所见所遇，所以说归根结底你的所见所遇还是由自身把握。
多矛盾啊，世界上竟然还有比爱情更矛盾的东西，多少让人有些不可思议。于是，我试着用此矛盾化解彼矛盾，希望找出让你永远爱我的法宝，而不是最终的离开，时光如流水，水月苦苦挽留镜花，虚空苦苦挽留虚空。脑海里你最初的深情反反复复地证明你曾经给过我这尘世间最温暖的情怀。你说，你从繁华中来，将来还是要回到繁华中去。那些都市里推杯换盏的喧闹繁荣，那些流转于虚情假意之上的表面浮华，那些曾经焚尽你五脏六腑的尘缘都让你感觉到一种不可名状的情绪，焦躁不安的或是无限空虚的，不是生命的尽头，却是生存的尽头。
你和我说这一切的时候，你的人早已远离繁华，在边疆漫山遍野的空寂里体会存在的意义。对于人生，这是否也是一种行为艺术？得与失永远是那么难以辩认，难以区分。在电话里，你常常要深呼吸，氧气稀薄，那大概是人类生存的一种边缘，一种生存需要的临界点。正是这样一个最不适合生存的地方却更能让人感悟到生存的意义，世界很大很奇怪，让人无话可说。
大部分的时候你的语气清丽温柔，你的笑声香甜干脆，可是当你说起死亡时，那沉重让人窒息，你说你曾经看见一个女子被一场感冒夺去年青的生命，谁能想到在成都平原上根本就微不足道的感冒在高原平原上却是这样的致命危险；你说前几天才见过面的人，甚至欢声笑语还没散尽，便已魂归苍天，这公平吗？就是这样一个地方，死亡是那么容易降临，也许擦肩而过，也许就面对面的坐着。虽然我没有面对过那么恶劣的环境，但是我却面对过死亡，所以我能理解你的感受，只是我不知道该说些什么，因果都无法解释的宿命面前，我无言，只能以沉默安抚你的感伤、你的忧郁，安抚你在死神面前的无能为力。我知道其实你更需要一个依*，哪怕这肩膀柔弱，却也能从这柔弱中汲取些力量与宁静。我一直相信，男人所拥有的宁静虽然无形，却是雨淋不灭，风吹不散的。我该*上前去搂着你，而我却一直选择远远地站着，或许这是你失望的根源，而你的失望让你再没有精力来维护这爱情的水晶，直接导致了我的失望，由因至果，一切都已注定。
由爱到恨，再由恨到一切归于平静，似乎是一个根本无法确定得失的过程，你可以用几天几月，甚至几年的时间在爱恨里折磨自己，而平静却会在一个偶然的瞬间来临，或者说是一种顿悟。一切悲喜都由心生。当你心中有爱恨，你眼中必定是一个翻腾颠倒的世界，平静过后也并非一无所有，其实何为有，何为无？不过是看问题的角度不同罢了。
水月忍不住哭了，他说，镜花，不可以，如果没有了你，我的生活将不平静。当然，镜花听不见，此时她在离水月千万里之遥的地方过着美好的日子，重新开始了她的新生活，看见她的人说他美丽的外表下隐藏着一丝难掩的疲惫，她温柔，她善良，她美丽，她任性，却孤独，这孤独两个字深深刺痛在水月的心里，却再无权分担镜花心底的世界。水月从寂寞到担心，到害怕，到伤心，到憔悴，这大约是等待中必然的消蚀。或者镜花偶尔也会想起水月，这又是两个多么善于保护自己的人，封存起心底所有的澎湃，声音的平静骗了对方，也骗了自己。
平时一样窗前明月，更有梅花却不同。佛祖，这究竟是什么意思？佛祖无言，佛祖心如止水。同样一句话，人却只能感应到无限的伤怀。其实在这瞬息万变的世界，本就不应该奢望永恒。佛祖，你没有爱情吧？佛祖笑吟吟地，无比慈祥，那笑容如同容纳百川的海水，深不见底。听见水月轻轻地说，镜花，我真的很想你。
世间所有的爱情居然都长着一样的面目，一半儿是苦难，一半儿是幸福。镜花和水月的影子一再重叠在你和我的身上，我的思维混乱，我的心为你、为镜花碎成了两瓣，以至于到最后居然再也不能分清我究竟在为谁痛哭失声，我几乎为了镜花而失去灵魂，总是在放下电话后，对远方的你轻声说，镜花，我真的很想你。
走过脚下的路，换来一场擦肩而过的缘，有来便有走，有缘起就有缘尽时。无论我们如何回头望，却也只能向各自相反的方向越走越远。佛说，人应该学会放手，放下的越多，越觉得拥有的更多。道理虽对，却很难做到，再破碎的心，再陈旧的伤口，人却还是坚持不停的缝缝补补，不肯丢弃。
初冬的寺院里有些冷清，山风刺骨，丝丝袅袅的香火掺杂着山中特有的清新气息笼罩着整座寺院的平和安谧。庙宇如同古时的院落，一进又一进，一殿有一殿的神明，一殿有一殿的香火，只是穿堂风不停的呼喝，让我裹紧了外衣却还是冷得发抖。
我决定上山来，用整整一天的时间专心致志的想你，然后下山的时候全部忘记，于是我看释迦牟尼的时候想你，看十八罗汉的时候想你，看千手观音的时候想你，随着那四壁美仑美奂的佛经故事环绕，高远壮阔。看尽了所有的金碧辉煌，皱紧了眉头从寺院的窗口向远处呆呆的望，远山如黛，山脚下的村庄里炊烟升起再升起。还有一弯自西向东的江水，风吹波澜起，风停波如镜。在晨钟暮鼓中初雪飘落，初雪消融，世间万物大约都是这样从无到有，从有到无吧。
佛祖，我想忘记。
忘记并不等于从未存在，此情此景，一切自在来源于选择，而不是刻意。不如放手，当局者迷。
我开始试着将所有的怀疑与怨恨，这一切一切蒙蔽了美好本质的东西丢弃。这么做很辛苦，无异于放弃整个爱情。渐渐地我发现原来只有将这段感情慢慢放下，慢慢置身事外，我才能从中剥离出回忆中你所有的好，而不是用所有的不好来抹杀曾有的欢乐，就算有千般万般的苦痛，必竟你曾带给我最快乐的心情。于是那人间绚烂的光彩重新在我面前大放光华，我终于明白。当你心中有爱，那么光彩就是笑容，当你心中有风景，那么光彩就是美丽，随心所至，光彩来源于一切心中美好，或曾经美好的事物，总之让我无法舍弃，所以我心甘情愿地忍受光彩被遮蔽的瞬间黑暗。
佛问，你忘记了吗？
没有。或者说忘了吧，留存美好，忘记悲哀，一切自在来源于选择嘛，你说的。
佛笑得很开心，千百年来佛一直笑得很开心。
可是，佛祖，我一直不明白，为什么她离开的时候什么也没说，甚至没说自己要离开？
太容易说出口的绝对不会出自于真心，有些时候说并不比不说更能解决问题，也不能将痛苦减缓半分，她有他的迷惘。
夕阳烂熟的光将山坡上的枯草映成斑斑驳驳的金黄，庙宇的琉璃承载着所有的光明与黑暗。上山来的是我，下山去的也是我，风风颠颠，不过是一时的迷惑。我终于明白，佛说，我爱你，至少曾经爱过。
水月问镜花，你说那束妍丽绝伦的光彩究竟是什么？镜花似乎有些答非所问，她说，随心所欲。
我一遍又一遍不厌其烦地望着这充满禅机的问答，试图从中找出我和你之间所有问题的症结所在，却一无所获，最终只好对着即将到来的离别微笑，以比特为单位爬过千山万水的微笑无法在到达后重新整合，早已失却了原本的甜蜜气息。俗世中多少有始无终的爱情，所谓因果，可谁又做错了什么呢？
既然终究是一场空，那么故事中的男女，无论以何种面目出现，都将是这红尘俗世里注定的悲哀，这悲哀由眼瞳直直地刺入心窝，让人很久、很久都无法释怀。
镜花和水月，或是你和我，又或是寂寞和寂寞。
你在雪域高原大草原的洌洌寒风里恪守着自己的选择，这选择据说来源于理想，和一种沉淀的需要，我遥遥地却也是近在咫尺地望着你，望着你这冠冕堂皇的理由背后掺杂着的一丝逃避。你在那荒芜人烟的地方实现着自己的青春，离天堂很近，离佛祖大约也很近。有一天你说，你向佛祖许了愿，希望你的出现能带给我快乐。我记得当时我笑了笑，这算不算快乐的点滴？又或者我的出现能排解你的寂寞，远离红尘的寂寞。
佛说：每个人所见所遇到的都早有安排，一切都是缘。缘起缘尽，缘聚缘散，一切都是天意。镜花和水月百思不得其解，那我们活着还有什么意义呢？任何的努力都是白费，天意安排一切。于是佛慈悲地伸出那普渡众生的手，声音有一种瓮声瓮气的憨厚，你来你走你进你退根本就是你自己的选择，这一念之差便足以决定你的所见所遇，所以说归根结底你的所见所遇还是由自身把握。
多矛盾啊，世界上竟然还有比爱情更矛盾的东西，多少让人有些不可思议。于是，我试着用此矛盾化解彼矛盾，希望找出让你永远爱我的法宝，而不是最终的离开，时光如流水，水月苦苦挽留镜花，虚空苦苦挽留虚空。脑海里你最初的深情反反复复地证明你曾经给过我这尘世间最温暖的情怀。你说，你从繁华中来，将来还是要回到繁华中去。那些都市里推杯换盏的喧闹繁荣，那些流转于虚情假意之上的表面浮华，那些曾经焚尽你五脏六腑的尘缘都让你感觉到一种不可名状的情绪，焦躁不安的或是无限空虚的，不是生命的尽头，却是生存的尽头。
你和我说这一切的时候，你的人早已远离繁华，在边疆漫山遍野的空寂里体会存在的意义。对于人生，这是否也是一种行为艺术？得与失永远是那么难以辩认，难以区分。在电话里，你常常要深呼吸，氧气稀薄，那大概是人类生存的一种边缘，一种生存需要的临界点。正是这样一个最不适合生存的地方却更能让人感悟到生存的意义，世界很大很奇怪，让人无话可说。
大部分的时候你的语气清丽温柔，你的笑声香甜干脆，可是当你说起死亡时，那沉重让人窒息，你说你曾经看见一个女子被一场感冒夺去年青的生命，谁能想到在成都平原上根本就微不足道的感冒在高原平原上却是这样的致命危险；你说前几天才见过面的人，甚至欢声笑语还没散尽，便已魂归苍天，这公平吗？就是这样一个地方，死亡是那么容易降临，也许擦肩而过，也许就面对面的坐着。虽然我没有面对过那么恶劣的环境，但是我却面对过死亡，所以我能理解你的感受，只是我不知道该说些什么，因果都无法解释的宿命面前，我无言，只能以沉默安抚你的感伤、你的忧郁，安抚你在死神面前的无能为力。我知道其实你更需要一个依*，哪怕这肩膀柔弱，却也能从这柔弱中汲取些力量与宁静。我一直相信，男人所拥有的宁静虽然无形，却是雨淋不灭，风吹不散的。我该*上前去搂着你，而我却一直选择远远地站着，或许这是你失望的根源，而你的失望让你再没有精力来维护这爱情的水晶，直接导致了我的失望，由因至果，一切都已注定。
由爱到恨，再由恨到一切归于平静，似乎是一个根本无法确定得失的过程，你可以用几天几月，甚至几年的时间在爱恨里折磨自己，而平静却会在一个偶然的瞬间来临，或者说是一种顿悟。一切悲喜都由心生。当你心中有爱恨，你眼中必定是一个翻腾颠倒的世界，平静过后也并非一无所有，其实何为有，何为无？不过是看问题的角度不同罢了。
水月忍不住哭了，他说，镜花，不可以，如果没有了你，我的生活将不平静。当然，镜花听不见，此时她在离水月千万里之遥的地方过着美好的日子，重新开始了她的新生活，看见她的人说他美丽的外表下隐藏着一丝难掩的疲惫，她温柔，她善良，她美丽，她任性，却孤独，这孤独两个字深深刺痛在水月的心里，却再无权分担镜花心底的世界。水月从寂寞到担心，到害怕，到伤心，到憔悴，这大约是等待中必然的消蚀。或者镜花偶尔也会想起水月，这又是两个多么善于保护自己的人，封存起心底所有的澎湃，声音的平静骗了对方，也骗了自己。
平时一样窗前明月，更有梅花却不同。佛祖，这究竟是什么意思？佛祖无言，佛祖心如止水。同样一句话，人却只能感应到无限的伤怀。其实在这瞬息万变的世界，本就不应该奢望永恒。佛祖，你没有爱情吧？佛祖笑吟吟地，无比慈祥，那笑容如同容纳百川的海水，深不见底。听见水月轻轻地说，镜花，我真的很想你。
世间所有的爱情居然都长着一样的面目，一半儿是苦难，一半儿是幸福。镜花和水月的影子一再重叠在你和我的身上，我的思维混乱，我的心为你、为镜花碎成了两瓣，以至于到最后居然再也不能分清我究竟在为谁痛哭失声，我几乎为了镜花而失去灵魂，总是在放下电话后，对远方的你轻声说，镜花，我真的很想你。
走过脚下的路，换来一场擦肩而过的缘，有来便有走，有缘起就有缘尽时。无论我们如何回头望，却也只能向各自相反的方向越走越远。佛说，人应该学会放手，放下的越多，越觉得拥有的更多。道理虽对，却很难做到，再破碎的心，再陈旧的伤口，人却还是坚持不停的缝缝补补，不肯丢弃。
初冬的寺院里有些冷清，山风刺骨，丝丝袅袅的香火掺杂着山中特有的清新气息笼罩着整座寺院的平和安谧。庙宇如同古时的院落，一进又一进，一殿有一殿的神明，一殿有一殿的香火，只是穿堂风不停的呼喝，让我裹紧了外衣却还是冷得发抖。
我决定上山来，用整整一天的时间专心致志的想你，然后下山的时候全部忘记，于是我看释迦牟尼的时候想你，看十八罗汉的时候想你，看千手观音的时候想你，随着那四壁美仑美奂的佛经故事环绕，高远壮阔。看尽了所有的金碧辉煌，皱紧了眉头从寺院的窗口向远处呆呆的望，远山如黛，山脚下的村庄里炊烟升起再升起。还有一弯自西向东的江水，风吹波澜起，风停波如镜。在晨钟暮鼓中初雪飘落，初雪消融，世间万物大约都是这样从无到有，从有到无吧。
佛祖，我想忘记。
忘记并不等于从未存在，此情此景，一切自在来源于选择，而不是刻意。不如放手，当局者迷。
我开始试着将所有的怀疑与怨恨，这一切一切蒙蔽了美好本质的东西丢弃。这么做很辛苦，无异于放弃整个爱情。渐渐地我发现原来只有将这段感情慢慢放下，慢慢置身事外，我才能从中剥离出回忆中你所有的好，而不是用所有的不好来抹杀曾有的欢乐，就算有千般万般的苦痛，必竟你曾带给我最快乐的心情。于是那人间绚烂的光彩重新在我面前大放光华，我终于明白。当你心中有爱，那么光彩就是笑容，当你心中有风景，那么光彩就是美丽，随心所至，光彩来源于一切心中美好，或曾经美好的事物，总之让我无法舍弃，所以我心甘情愿地忍受光彩被遮蔽的瞬间黑暗。
佛问，你忘记了吗？
没有。或者说忘了吧，留存美好，忘记悲哀，一切自在来源于选择嘛，你说的。
佛笑得很开心，千百年来佛一直笑得很开心。
可是，佛祖，我一直不明白，为什么她离开的时候什么也没说，甚至没说自己要离开？
太容易说出口的绝对不会出自于真心，有些时候说并不比不说更能解决问题，也不能将痛苦减缓半分，她有他的迷惘。
夕阳烂熟的光将山坡上的枯草映成斑斑驳驳的金黄，庙宇的琉璃承载着所有的光明与黑暗。上山来的是我，下山去的也是我，风风颠颠，不过是一时的迷惑。我终于明白，佛说，我爱你，至少曾经爱过。
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Teeth Falling off
I haven't been able to sleep well for a week, I had bad dreams every morning. It always happened right before I woke up, so I can remember them vividly. The dream felt so real that it makes me sick sometime.
A couple of days ago, I had the teeth falling off dream again. It felt so real, the teeth started to fall off one by one from the top, then somehow it got tangled at the bottom part, and the bottom part started to fall off too. My mouth was full of my own falling teeth, I had to spit them out, I spit out some, some more fell off, spit, fell off, never ending ... Then I woke up from my dream, feeling suffocating, like something heavy is sitting on my chest, blocking all the oxygen from going into my body...
I have this kind of dream often, it feels so real and so horrible every time. Why do I always have this dream? What does it tell me? I googled a little bit this morning, here is what I found out.
Teeth dreams - "My Teeth Are Falling Out"
"Dreams that your teeth are falling out are the most common dreams we here at Dream Moods receive. Common dream scenarios include having your teeth crumbling in your hands or your teeth falling out one by one with just a light tap. Such dreams are not only horrifying and shocking, but often leaves the dreamer with a lasting image of the dream. So what does it mean?
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others. Caring about our appearance is natural and healthy.
Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.
Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion.
In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.
Traditionally, it was thought that dreaming that you did not have teeth, represent malnutrition which may be applicable to some dreamers."
So which interpretation will fit me? Am I not secure about my appearance? Hmmm, I AM getting old, but I don't think I'm insecure about my appearance, I am who I am, and I think I like the way I look most of the time, so no, this can't be why I had the dream.
I think this is it -- "You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion." I need to be more assertive. I know I'm always indecisive, always don't know what to do, like a lost kid. But I'm not a kid any more, I need to make my decision, no one else could take this responsibility for me, no parents' guarding roof can prevent storm from me. I need to be strong and brave and trust myself.
A couple of days ago, I had the teeth falling off dream again. It felt so real, the teeth started to fall off one by one from the top, then somehow it got tangled at the bottom part, and the bottom part started to fall off too. My mouth was full of my own falling teeth, I had to spit them out, I spit out some, some more fell off, spit, fell off, never ending ... Then I woke up from my dream, feeling suffocating, like something heavy is sitting on my chest, blocking all the oxygen from going into my body...
I have this kind of dream often, it feels so real and so horrible every time. Why do I always have this dream? What does it tell me? I googled a little bit this morning, here is what I found out.
Teeth dreams - "My Teeth Are Falling Out"
"Dreams that your teeth are falling out are the most common dreams we here at Dream Moods receive. Common dream scenarios include having your teeth crumbling in your hands or your teeth falling out one by one with just a light tap. Such dreams are not only horrifying and shocking, but often leaves the dreamer with a lasting image of the dream. So what does it mean?
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others. Caring about our appearance is natural and healthy.
Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.
Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion.
In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.
Traditionally, it was thought that dreaming that you did not have teeth, represent malnutrition which may be applicable to some dreamers."
So which interpretation will fit me? Am I not secure about my appearance? Hmmm, I AM getting old, but I don't think I'm insecure about my appearance, I am who I am, and I think I like the way I look most of the time, so no, this can't be why I had the dream.
I think this is it -- "You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion." I need to be more assertive. I know I'm always indecisive, always don't know what to do, like a lost kid. But I'm not a kid any more, I need to make my decision, no one else could take this responsibility for me, no parents' guarding roof can prevent storm from me. I need to be strong and brave and trust myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
