Life is such a joke. The people you care the most always hurt you the worst. In this world, nobody you can really rely on, you can only rely on yourself.
It's my birthday today, and I'm on myself again. It's really painful; you don't feel anything except for the pain inside of your heart. Pain overflows, spreading to your whole body. You feel so helpless, but no one can give you a hand, no one you can talk to, you can do nothing except for crying. How useless you are! You are afraid, you are afraid that the tear will never stop, you are afraid it will dry your body, you are afraid of what is going to happen tomorrow. All your hopes are gone with the pain, the pain just eats your heart little by little, and your heart becomes more and more empty.
I drank a lot at my Birthday party hold by my friends. I used ice pack to ice my swollen eyes for long time before I went to the party, I don't think anyone can tell that I cried so much before the party. I put on makeup and sexy clothes to the party. My friends complimented me. I took all the drinks they bought me -- sangria, tequila shot, beer, B52, purple hooters, whatever has alcohol in it, I just drank bottom up. I wanted to get drunk, but weird, I didn't. I got buzzed, but I was not drunk, I still remembered what happened, and I could still control myself not to cry in front of my friends, I was still sober! I tried to have as much fun as I could, I asked each of my guy friends to give me a lap dance, and I laughed so loud, I looked so happy. I tried to convince myself what so big deal, but there is so much desperation and emptiness in my voice, because my happiness has been taken away.
I made my birthday wish. My friends tried to guess what it is, they never got even close.
I'm one year older now. It's not a good feeling to be one year older at my age now. Last year was a bad year to me; I had some happiness but more suffering. I hated my life. I hope I'll have a new life from today. I wish I will not be gullible any more so that I won't be easily hurt by people. I wish I can be as strong as what I thought of myself. I wish I'll have a simple happy life from now on. I wish...
Stop crying...
