New Mexico -- Las Cruces & Gila Cliff Dwellings

July 5, 2004 -- July 6, 2004

We got to Las Cruces pretty late. And we didn't know where our hotel is. We had this one paper which has our schedule printed out, such as where to visit, where to stay, etc. But we forgot to print out the hotel name in Las Cruces. We only had an address, but we didn't have a Las Cruces city map. (Yeah, AAA doesn't have Las Cruces map). BL took a look at the map when we were in White Sands National Monument, so we tried to get to the hotel based on his memory. Of course, we lost! So we had to call our friend W in California to ask for direction. After we spent so many on roaming charges, we finally found our hotel! The good thing is that there is free wireless internet in the room, hooooolaaaaa!

It felt weird that I hadn't used internet for about 5 days. Unbelievable! As soon as I got into the room, I turned on my laptop and got online. I checked my emails, chatted with my friends, browsed all the sites I usually go to, edited some of my pictures and posted them online. It feels good, like I'm back to a modern society. :P I got into the hotel room probably around 11 pm, the next time when I looked at the clock, it's over 2 am. Geeeze, I should take a shower and go to sleep then. It seems that the virtual time goes much faster than the real time. :P

There is not much to visit in Las Cruces. So we just went to its old town plaza early in the morning. It's a small square with many souvenir shops around it. We went in to look for some gifts. I bought some for my friends, BL bought some for D.

Since it's still early, so we decided to visit Gila Cliff Dwellings. From the map, we figured out that Gila cliff dwelling is just about one and half hours away from Las Cruces. So we left Las Cruses around noon, thinking we'll have plenty of time to visit there. Since we are going to stay in Albuquerque for the night, we probably still have time to stop by Truth and Consequences on the way.

After one hour's drive on highway, we started to get into the mountain. I thought we are pretty close to our destination. Then there is a big sign standing by the road, saying curvy road ahead -- prepare to take a 2 hours' drive to Gila!!! //faint But since we already drove for one hour to get this close, we think we should keep going.

We missed the tour, so we just watched the video of the introduction of Gila Cliff Dwelling and climbed up ourselves to visit. There are several rooms in the cave. But I was kind of disappointed, I thought there would have more stuffs in the cave. I was thinking something made of stone so that Indians can sleep on or sit around it, but there are only pure raw rocks, and some dried tree branches in the dwelling. There is park volunteer resting in the cave. So I asked him where I can see the pictograph the Indians left. He is very nice, and showed me around, pointing out to me all the pictographs he knows in the cave and their meanings. From the chat with him, we found out that he is actually an artist, he does oil painting. He said if we come early in the morning, when the sun rises, and the first sun ray casts into the cave, the dwelling looks amazingly beautiful. I can imagine all the scenes in my head. But unfortunately, I don't have time for that! BL asked him how far away to get back to the high way to Albuquerque. And the answer is at least 3 hours!!! We never thought the decision we made to visit here ends up with a 5 hours' mountain driving journey!!!

To save time, BL drove pretty aggressively. I was holding the safety handler all the way. Later on that night, I found out my arm felt so sore because of that. Since I cannot drive on the curvy road, (I'm really scared of that,) BL had to drive all the way out. The scenery is beautiful along the road. But no matter how good it is, you will still get bored if you look at it for 5 hours. And I started to get car sick. Finally we were out of the mountain. BL was so tired. My turn to drive, but I still had car sick, so we stopped by some gas station, he had to wait for me to finish a big ice-cream, then we hit back on the road again with me in the driver seat and him sleeping in the passenger seat.

I enjoyed the driving. While BL is sleeping, I put on some happy Mexican music and enjoyed the scenery. Sun was setting, the clouds were like fire, and the mountains along the road looked so red. I was so moved by the beautiful scene. I kept asking myself whether I should stop the car, and capture all these beautiful scenes into my camera. But I didn't want to wake BL up and the scène seemed to me too beautiful to capture. So I just kept driving and let my thoughts fly. Am I driving too fast? Am I too eager to get to the destination so that I didn't spend enough time to enjoy the scene along the way? Are all those seemingly beautiful sceneries worth to stop and take time to enjoy? How would I know it's not a waste of time?

I always feel like that life is a journey. There are many stops along the way, people have to figure out the major stops to jump out the train and spend time to enjoy their life there. Some people make mistakes to stop at those small stops, they spend much time trying to look for scenes worth of visiting, but it finally turns out there is not much there. They just waste their time. Some people see the major stop, but they think there is nothing to visit there, so they miss the most beautiful scene they can see in their life. But how will I know where to stop? How will I know when to stop?


Pray

The picture was taken at Las Cruses old town plaza. I don't know why, when I took the picture, I strongly felt like it should be black and white. To me, the halo around the head of the statue is like a thorn crown. I can feel she is suffering, I feel it with a heavy heart. I feel like I'm praying with her, praying for the end the suffering.

New Mexico -- White Sand National Monument

July 5th, 2005

Since it was so hot in New Mexico, we figured out that in order to avoid becoming a human jerky, we'd better not go to white sand national monument during the day. So we planed to get there right before sunset, so that I can take some good pictures.

White Sand National Monument is the world's largest gypsum dune field, about 275 square miles. Because of its white color, it reflects the heat, so even we walk on it during the day, it's not that hot at all. I carried a big responsibility to go to the white sand national park. My director is a big hiking fan, his plan is to go to all the national parks. So he asked me to get him a topographic map from the park. I was looking and looking in the tourist center, but I couldn't find one. So I asked for help, and was told there is no such map, because the sand dunes move about 30 feet every year by the strong and steady wind in that area.

The weather was not very good for pictures because of the heavy haze. We took the 7 PM tour, and the guide said the haze may come from the big fire nearby. BL was following the tour, I was wandering around to take pictures. But suddenly something that the tour guide said got my attention -- how do plants survive in the moving sands?

The big problem plants have in the dune field is being buried by moving sand dunes. Plants can't walk away from a dune that is starting to bury them. Most of the time the plants simply die because they can no longer get the oxygen they need once the sand has covered them. The tour guide pointed us to some small lovely pink flowers and told us that they're going to die soon. :( To Live on top of the dunes requires very special adaptations. Only a few plants are able to live very well on the sand dunes by growing faster than the dune can move, or/and holding on to the sand by building hard pedestals.

Soaptree Yucca

Yucca is one of the plants who grow faster than the sand dune moves. When it begins to get buried, the stem of the yucca starts to grow very rapidly and pushes the green leafy part above the surface of the sand. The stem can grow as much as 12" a year, and may get to be 30' tall. When you see a yucca plant on top of a sand dune, you can be sure that beneath it is a long stem that stretches all the way down through the sand.

I really admire Yucca's vitality. It must go through hundreds of generation's death and find a way of living, what a strong desire to survive! It never gives up the passion of living! Even a plant can do this, why human being always give up their passion for life and love so easily. When some people get hurt in love, they become so afraid of being hurt again, so they loose their passion for finding real love. They just lock their heart in a safety case, and throw the key in the ocean. Then they just wander around the world with an empty body and a big cold safety case. They can never open the safety case and show their heart to other people any more. I don't want to be one of those. I want to be a yucca, always holding the passion for life, even though I failed again, I will eventually find a way to grow out. Eventually I will have the most beautiful flowers over the white sand dune.

Yucca under sunset

When do we say love?

People have different interpretations of love. For some people, when they have affections for others, they call it love. For me, it's just affection, or at most, like. For some other people, they may say the word because they feel obligated, they feel they owe the love to other people, they feel like they need to say love in return. For me, it's not love at all. If I say love, it has to come from the deepest part of my heart.

I don't say the word love easily. When I say Love, it means responsibility. It means that I'm ready to give commitment. It means that I'm willing to think of the future. It means that I'm willing to take risks, willing to sacrifice for it.

Love is a process. I don't believe love on first sight. Love has to be nurtured by both people. Love has to grow through communications. People can be attracted to each other right away, people can have affection for each other right away, people can be fascinated by each other right away, but people cannot love each other right away. Love takes time. People have to understand each other well enough before they can talk about love. People have to know each other well, have to know each other's good personalities, as well as the bad habits. Only when you can accept the person as a whole, only when you can completely open your heart to each other, you can say love out.

When a person says love out to the other person, she unavoidably opens herself completely and exposes her heart directly to him; she shows him her most vulnerable side. If he is kind, he will know how to take care of her heart and may give his in return. But if he is not kind enough, he may just throw the heart on the floor and step on it. Then she needs to bear with all the pains to pick up the broken heart and put it back into her body, and then spend a long time to recover. So when we say love, we have to be very careful, we have to make sure he/she is the right person, or at least a kind person.


Hope

转身---然后离开(ZT)

当一个人试图离开的时候，

似乎一切并不如想象中的艰难：
0度的时候，
觉得快要窒息，莫名的悲哀，心里似乎有些东西在失去；

90度的时候，
开始有点泪眼模糊，强忍住，借着惯性转过去，不再回头；

180度的时候，
一切都在身后，有着转回去的冲动，却没有再看一眼的勇气。

沉默……失落……
犹豫着迈开第一步，有些沉重，
然后是第二步，试着让自己显得轻松，
第三步，第四步……无意识的走着，最终离开。
长呼一口气，好了，就这样了，一切都该结束了。

人的可悲就是在于你以为已经得到的时候往往正是失去的开始
一切都是意料以外的痛苦
而人的可悲也在于你以为结束的时候往往没有结束，
一切还是想象中的那么艰难。
如果可以简单，
那一定是
因为不曾投入。
从一种痛苦走向另外一种痛苦，
何尝不是另一种悲哀。

鱼的悲哀就在于
看到了大海，
却没有办法游过去
人的悲哀就在于
看到了结果
却没有办法说服自己
去面对。

New Mexico -- Roswell

July 4th, 2005

We got back to hotel a little over 4 am. Since my flight is 6:40 am, I didn't have any time to sleep . I just took a quick shower to get rid of the smoke smell on my hair and body. The girls were sleeping after I came out from the shower, I didn't want to wake them up, so I had to pack in the dark. BBY kindly offered to take me and BL to airport, I did't want to keep him waiting, so I packed in a hurry and left the hotel.

We slept all the way on tha airplane, and got to Albuquerque early in the morning. We went directly to Alamo car rental place and asked about our reservation. Since I cannot access to my Yahoo account before I left for the trip, I couldnot print the reservation information with me. The guy checked in his computer and cannot find our record. So we had to rent another car on the spot. Not a good start for the trip!

We got the car. BL started to drive. I was so sleepy, but I had to keep myself awake and kept talking to him to keep him awake too -- I didn't want us to get into any accident. It's about 200 miles from Albuquerque to Roswell. And I felt this is the longest drive I had ever taken.

The original plan for visiting Roswell was to get there in time so that we can catch the last day's UFO festival and watch Independence Day's firework at night. We got to the hotel in Roswell around 1 pm, but the hotel receptionist told us that we cannot check in until 3 pm. It was extremely hot outside, just like in Vegas, and we both were extremely sleepy too. So we decided to skip the whole festival thing, and rested on the hotel lobby couch. I felt the couch is the most comfortable couch in the world, because right after I sat down and found a way to support my head comfortably, I fell into sleep. I felt I only slept for 5 minutes before the receptionist woke us up and told us that we can check in now. We just went directly to the room without even taking the luggage. I threw myself into my bed and slept. I was soooo sleepy. ZZZZZZ

I woke up around 7 pm and got up to take a shower, which made me feel much better. We didn't eat anything the whole day, so we decided to drive around, getting something to eat, and getting ready for the July 4th firework.

Roswell looks like a very old and small town, only one main street. It got famous because the 1947 UFO incidence. It was saying that there was a flying saucer crashed in Roswell. But later on goverment claimed that it was just a weather hot balloon. No one really knows which story is real. I prefer the UFO one. Think about this -- universe is so big, there is living creature on earth, why not on other planets? And human being is so curious, we send rockets and spaceships to other planets, why can't the creatures from other planets come to visit us?

This small town looks very shabby, BL kept saying it's even worse than those small towns in Mississippi. I've never been to Mississippi, but this probably is the most shabby town I've ever seen in US. And not like in california, I didn't see even one Chinese there. We went to the stadium where people gathered around waiting for fireworks. There was a mexican band singing on the stage. It seemed to me that the whole town were gathering in the stadium. But there was not even a single black hair, yellow skin person in the crowds except for us. People stared at us when we passed by. I felt like I were an alien there. We walked around, but there was nothing really interesting, since we still had about an hour before the firewrok started, we went out of the stadium to grab some dinner.

We came back and got a very good parking spot, facing the firework directly. So we can just put the seat back down and lied in the car to watch the firework. Before, when I watched firework, I was always swamped in big crowds, surrounded by people's head, but not this time. It was so relaxing and comfortable to sit in the car and see all the fireworks through the windshield. My favorite one is the golden colored firework, when it dropped from the sky, it looked like a golden willow tree, spectacular! Whenever that fireworks came out, I could feel there is something jumping really hard in my heart. Wish I could share the view with someone.

Is emotion or love just like fireworks? So spectacular and moving in the beginning, during that short period, it releases its best images. Then it dies quickly, only leaves the smoke and the smell in the air. How can we keep it longer?

New Mexico -- Adobe window

The picture was actually taken in Taos. Since I left Vegas in such a hurry, I left my tripod there, so there is no fireworks picture for me this time.

Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas -- Zumanity & Strip Club

We chose Zumanity because J really wants to watch a topless show since she has never seen one. I have no interest in any topless show, because I've watched a couple and I remembered that I almost fell into sleep last time when I watched Jubilee. Nothing exciting at all. But Zumanity is different. It's very erotic, and different from the other show which I have seen from Cirque Du Soleil. The whole show is about sex -- man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, S&M, orgy ... Erotic, funny but not dirty. I really like the part that two acrobatic girls swim in a big transparent fish bowl, very sexy.

We had decent seats for the show, the 3rd row on the left side. When the show started, there was a very good shaped half naked guy holding a bouquet of roses walking around the stage. The audience started to scream. Of course I screamed too, I probably screamed pretty loud and got his attention, so he threw a rose to me. :) Then I found out that K screamed even louder, and he got a rose from the half naked guy too. (/faint) It's a fun experience to watch the show, with lots of laughing and screaming.

When we came out of the show, it's almost 1 am. J was so excited, and she really wanted to go to a gentleman's club. I have never been to a strip club either. But I have an early flight to New Mexico at 6:40 am. And what's so fun to watch female stripping? I'm not a guy! I'll have more interest if it's a male strip club! :P So I was very reluctant to go, but everyone else is going, and J dragged me along with them. BL picked the place, so all 8 of us went there.

The cover charge is pretty expensive there, $20 each, even girls need to pay for it. I was so disappointed when I went into it. I looked around, the place is not very good, not crowded at all -- only half of the tables were open. The light was very dim inside. Some half naked girls were dancing on the table, they are not very pretty. Music was not that exciting either, a big difference from the scenes which I saw from the movies. But since I came in already, why not have some fun and enjoy it? So I got some 1 dollar bill changes and sat down around a table with my friends. We ordered drinks and waited, waited. But no girl came to our table, then we were told the table was not open yet. We had to switch table, but the girl on next table was just, huh, not appealing at all. So we decided to buy W a private dance, since it's his first time to be in a strip club too, and he has to walk with a ski pole. :P K saw this pretty Thai girl and asked her to dance for W. The girl came up to W and sat on his lap. We thought it would be more fun to watch W's expression than to watch the girl dancing. So we all sat around W just to watch him. :P When the girl started to dance, my eyes were popping out, because W's hands were all over her body. I was wondering, wow, that's why they need 20 bucks cover charge, it's an all-you-can-touch place. And the funny thing is that W touched all over her, but I noticed that when she tried to touch W, he moved her hand away. I was laughing and laughing, what kind of club is like that. After the dance, we all made jokes about W's behavior, he just kept saying that it was not him, it was the girl who put his hands on her body. Yeah, right! :P

Then I found out that there is a girl dancing on the table where we sat around before. She is not that bad. So we decided to move back. BBY suddenly found out that his money got stolen and he got pretty upset about it. So I put some changes in front of him, the girl came to him and played with him. Then I put some changes in front of J. But when the girl came up to her, J became so shy and refused her. I was very surprised, because it's her who really wanted to come to a strip club and tried so hard to persuade everyone to come with her. Well, anyway, since I was there already, I decided to have a little fun. So I put the change on my chest and another on my lap, the girl was laughing and came down to take the changes away with her mouth. I got a close look at her. It's fake. So many fakes there. BBY was still upset, so we bought him a private dance too. He likes those plump white chicks. So K found a very good looking dancer, she seemed to have a perfect shaped body until she took off her bra. Hmmm, what should I say? It's a very unsuccessful surgery, a big turn off. :P

There was another girl dancing on the couch behind ours. She is gorgeous, with beautiful face, and perfect body. And they're real! I think she is the best looking girl I saw in the club that night. She was dancing for a couple, dancing on both their laps. I was staring at her for a while, and all my friends think she is pretty. K came to me, asking whether I wanted a private dance from her, I refused. Then he said either I should kiss him on the cheek, or he'll buy me a private dance. Hmmm, private dance for free? What's to think about? Of course no kiss on the cheek! :P So I got a private dance. The girl came to me, making me sit comfortably on the couch, asking me to spread my legs open, and started to dance between my legs. She put some weights on me, I felt a little uncomfortable, I'm not a guy, and she is bigger than I am -- a little bit too heavy for me. :P She is very young, I would say she's only 20. And she is very beautiful, I was wondering the whole time why she wanted to do this job? For living? Saving for her big dream to become a famous show girl, then go to Hollywood? But I didn't ask her. Then she turned around and spanked her butt, so I decided to play a little. I asked her whether I can do that for her, she said yes, but she only allowed girls to do that though. Lucky me! I did that, then I heard that the guy from couple on the couch behind ours was asking his partner "How come you didn't so that!" Haha!

Well, the whole thing is a new experience to me, I had fun there! But no matter how pretty the girl is, no matter how sexy she dances, I can never get excited. No chance to be a lesbian then! :P

It was 4 am after we came out from the club. Need to get ready for my trip to New Mexico! Vegas is a crazy city -- what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

Latterns from Bellagio

有些爱情必须止于爱情 (ZT)

黑暗中，他点燃一只香烟，烟雾缭绕，我看不清楚烟雾后面他的表情。

他是快乐和自信的男人，忧郁不属于他，他有烟草的味道，吸上它会上瘾，闻到它会痴迷。

他隔着烟雾说到：我不知道自己的未来，我不知道明天会怎样。我无法承诺。我说：我不想未来，我不需要承诺，只想知道，你爱过么？他停了片刻说：我自己也不清楚，也许有爱也许没有。爱也许是做出来的，我们的灵魂也无法告诉我们自己是否在爱或是不爱。

我们本是陌路相逢又归于陌路，没有什么。我不再去追问。他伸手想把我抱在怀中，我逃脱他的拥抱，独自享受着这种伤痛。

当往昔风流云散，记忆的天空一片湛蓝。音容已在彼此生命的杯中化作陈酿，心置于一隅，会有着隔世的安详，有些牙齿失去后永远有个疼痛的伤口，无法弥补。

曾经向他索要婚姻，他说：婚姻是什么，只是一纸契约。两人该分手时，它只是个绊脚石。为什么要追求那份约束。如果两人能在一起，没有一纸契约，一样可以相守一生。我说：我需要法律的保护，哪怕是自欺欺人。他说：难道有法律的保护就会安全。我无语。如今的世界，爱情和婚姻不再是同一个话题，我不知道自己在找寻什么。

人生的舞台上，那样多的段落都已经斩钉截铁地落幕，剩下的还有什么？还要继续在那些打满了油彩的面孔后面，分辨一些肯爱与不肯去爱的心。只是，肯与不肯，都已经和彼此无关了。 “别责怪尘缘，哪一种情能亘古缠绵？”我只能这样安慰。


男人总想在红唇黛眉间找到有着丰富心灵和简朴生活习惯的女人。女人总想在坚厚臂膀中找到有所作为又情深似海的男人。结果有些人真的中了丘比特的箭，幸福地携手走上红毯。有些人却为了迎合世俗，到了一定年龄，削足适履地走进婚姻。不管起点在哪，起跑时都是有同一个愿望的，能相伴着跑到终点，风雨无阻。但是后来发现，现实总是与愿望相去甚远。

永远有多远？谁相信天长地久，什么样的爱情能经得住岁月的磨砺，都说经世的爱情，胜过一生的富贵，而爱情要怎样经营才不会走到穷途末路？

据说有人已经研究出了爱情的基本成份。是种与吗啡类似的苯基胺类的物质。和爱人在一起时它会被大脑的某个腺体分泌出来，使人有愉悦兴奋的感觉。但随着时间的推移，它会分泌的越来越少，直至消失。一些一生恩爱的夫妻，是因为他们体内会分泌另一种叫做内源性吗啡的物质。我想没有太多的人相信这个结论。但人们都承认，爱情会死，死于时间。

倘若不思太多，甘于如此平常终老，倒也是福。生活是件天生残缺的艺术品，无以修饰，绝少完美。举步艰难是因为完美成了心灵的羁绊。

都说爱情是因为寂寞，寂寞的爱不会有结果。人们不在这里使用爱情的说法，怕沾了亵渎的味道。那种感情不能存于人世间的一呼一吸，棵柴粒米。并蒂花，比翼鸟，连理枝，与它永远一江之隔。不去承诺生死相与、永世不谕，都明白让承诺兑现是件非常渺茫的事。有些爱情必须止于爱情。只能在灵魂里相望，于无声处静听花语。

Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas -- Blue Man & Ugly Coyote

It was extremely hot, over 100F, when we got to Vegas. The air was hot, the wind was hot, and you can feel the steam coming up from the ground. It was like a big sauna room, my skin cannot even breathe when we walked on the strip during the day.

Since it was supposed to be a fun vacation, my friends and I decided not to torture ourselves under the baking sun. So we gave up watching all the free shows and spent most time in hotel instead -- eating, watching shows, clubbing, sleeping and doing crazy stuff in the hotel room. And yeah, I didn't gamble at all. I know, I'm in Vegas, where the best casinos are, but I didn't spend even 1 cent in gambling.

I watched 2 shows there, the blue man group and Zumanti from Cirque Du Soleil.

We watched the blue man group on the first night. My friends didn't want to watch the blue man group initially. I insisted on watching it. I have seen their DVD already and really like their performance. It's different from other Vegas shows, very creative and humorous, and it's rated G -- all aged group can watch it. They communicate with the audience very well, making the whole atmosphere very friendly and easy-going. After the show, we came out of the theatre; the blue man was standing outside the theatre to let audience take pictures with them. I was wearing a nice dress that day, and brought my little purse with me, so I couldn't bring my camera with me. But hey, we have cell phone, so I went up to the blue man, asked him to kiss me on my cheek, and use cell phone to take a picture with the blue kiss on my cheek. :) On the way back, everyone was looking at my face, I'm not embarrassed at all, I just want to keep it until I get my camera and take another picture again. But we decided to go clubbing after, even W went with us. W is a friend who broke his leg during a ski trip. He hasn't fully recovered yet, still using a ski pole to assist himself to walk in Vegas. It was so cool to see him dancing with the ski pole. We went to a club called ugly coyote in NY NY. It's a so so club, we went there because the club doesn't have dress code and the guys didn't prepare for clubbing in Vegas at all (except for strip club :P). The girls were pretty shocked to hear that the guys didn't prepare for clubbing. Come on, it's Vegas, how can you not prepare for clubbing here? So we have to go to this Ugly coyote; even though it's so ugly, it's still packed and had a long line outside the door. It's very hot inside the club. After we got in, we started to drink. I was so thirsty, so I drank beer like water. I was a little buzzed and a little high, but at the same time, some thoughts came across my mind, I felt a little sad and depressed. So I drank more and kept dancing and dancing, moving every part of my body. They bought me some gello shots, I drank and danced more. I thought I could feel better if I kept doing this, but the emptiness in my heart cannot be filled by drinking and dancing... J helped me walking back to our hotel room, my blue kiss on the cheek was gone, it ended up on BBY's shirt. I didn't even get a chance to take a clear picture of it. :(

Las Vegas

Vegas & New Mexico trip

I just came back from a trip to Las Vegas and New Mexico. It's exciting in Vegas, but relaxing in New Mexico. I took many pictures when I was in New Mexico. And I have been carefully selecting and editing pictures the whole night. Hopefully I'll have some free time this week so that I can start to write my travel journal before I forgot all the interesting things happened during the trip.

The serious photographer

人生是一趟孤独而冒险的旅行 (Life is a lonely but adventurous journey)

I read this article online. And I really like it, so I collect it here.

人生是一趟孤独而冒险的旅行 (ZT)

最近看了获今年奥斯卡奖几项提名的电影《closer》（《难以接近》）,影片讲述一个纽约脱衣舞女Alice只身来到伦敦,邂逅爱情,遭遇情变,重操旧业,后又孤独离开英国的故事。影片没有跌宕起伏的情节，围绕这个故事的是四个年轻人面对爱与性，忠诚与欺骗时的痛苦，紧张，冲突和迷茫。

由此我想到，人生在很大意义上，也象Alice的这一趟充满孤独而冒险的旅行。

海德格尔和萨特都认为：人在未经任何商议的情况下，毫无理由地被抛到这个世界。当人可以确认自己存在的事实时，他早已进入了存在。我们无法预先选择自己出生的年代，国家，民族，也无法预先选择自己的性别，父母，兄弟，当我们有了自我意识，认识到自己是一个独立的，不可替代的个体时，我们已处在了这一情境中，无可避免地打上了这一切的印记，且无可逃避地承担起对这一切的责任。所以人生的起始是荒诞的，而人生更大的荒诞还在于对死亡的一无所知。

作为存在世界的另一个无法动摇的事实：对每个人，死亡最终都将降临。但它何时降临，以何种方式降临，我们并不知道，可作为人生终结的死亡，却向我们昭示了个体的有限，唯一，和不可逆转。这是一趟单向的旅行，无论你情愿与否。人对旅程的结束总怀有莫名惆怅，人本能地惧怕死亡，而正是这一点，使他们尽量地沉沦于现实事务的种种繁琐中，去遗忘，去淡化它。当我们好好活着时，谁愿意去想这么一个沉重而无趣的话题？把它留给那些脸色难看的哲学家吧，还有那些宗教的苦行僧，而我们，不如纵情声色，纸醉金迷，竭尽旅途的快乐。可终点很快就要到来，没有不散的狂欢，美酒甜果的秋天之后是冬的凄凉，那种冷嗖嗖的死亡之气甚至在极乐之时已分明地向我们袭来。难怪有人在享尽财富名利情色之时，反而更感人生的空虚无聊，欲壑难填，更得抓住什么来延缓生命，当然，这只是徒劳，君不见，死亡之剑仍高悬头顶？

可事情的另一面却是，正是死亡使存在显出意义，使来去不明的人生得到肯定。这就象影片里的Alice之行，为何而来和最终怎样离开，都不是最重要的。旅行的全部意义就在于旅程本身。生命的意义和价值就在这一过程中得以创造和闪现。影片里甚至连Alice的名字都是她从一块墓碑上随便借来的，这一点直到她最后走出英国海关，在打开的户照上才被我们看到。人生途中许多东西都是这样偶尔得来，包括我们的名字，它多少又能真正代表我们自己呢？它只是我们全部旅程上的一个具体而又抽象的记号。从来到这个世界，我们就自动接收了它，带着它开始旅程。

我们带很多东西上路。许多东西与生俱来，我们唯有接受它；许多东西偶尔得来，我们是否应当珍惜？甚至包括工作，朋友，爱情，家庭，孩子。那么，什么才是我们自己？什么才是真正的自我？也许唯有在旅途中，在与他人的真实交往中，我们才能看清。雅斯贝尔斯说过类似的话，唯有交往才能使你成为你自己。个性唯有在与他人的交往中才得到充分的展示和肯定。

可旅途却充满孤独而冒险，孤独的根源不在于我们无人交往，也不在于我们彼此有多么不同，而更在于我们本来就是分离的个体，我们想通过友情，爱情，亲情把彼此联结，可即使在爱情中我们仍感到分离是多么容易，因爱而诚实，因信任而说出自己全部的感受，可结果呢，有时唯有更深深地伤害另一方，其原因就在于我们仍是不同的个体，没有一个人能在精神和肉体上真正完全替代你，这样的人是不存在的，即使最热烈最智慧的情人。所以，过度追求的理解反而换来更深的孤独和痛苦。如片中这四个年轻人，在他们的分分合里，我们更明晰地看到的是，对于心灵的某些角落，个人与他人的沟通和接近是永无可能的，我们不可能更加closer，这真是无奈而悲哀的事。可人就这样存在着，如宇宙里一个个孤立的星球，你不可能超越。这正是这部影片的深刻和动人之处。

可即使这样，我们仍愿意冒险去旅行，即便如Alice那样冒着被背叛，被误解，被迷惑，被丢失的危险，我们仍乐意到处去看看，去打破孤独，去爱，否则，人生的乐趣又何在？精神的最终目的就是为了寻找理解和共鸣。虽然我们不能彼此替代，可我们仍乐意彼此分享，在分享中冲淡人生的孤独。更何况，旅途中总还有那么一些人，当他们进入我们的视线，如片中反复唱道：“我再也无法将目光从你身上移开……”

坚强豁达的心灵，坚定而温婉地信任和尊重他人，对人生的荒诞和不确定性有深刻的怜悯，若我们怀有了这些，所有的冒险也许就都值得，所有的孤独也就不再那么可怕和令人绝望了。人生，也许就不虚此行

爱真要一点点就够了吗?

一路哭着回家。想起刚才看到的眼神，心寒。酒喝得越来越多了，借酒消愁，可是愁更愁。在舞厅里，意识麻木，和陌生人拥着狂跳，只是想跳，跳，跳，有些近乎绝望的在跳，想把所有的心事都跳掉。也许还是太浅薄，被陌生人赞美几句，就当成是有人关心，也许我只是太在乎那份得不到的感觉了。开始恨自己，自暴自弃，不够爱惜自己。故意作出什么都不在乎的样子，其实伤的还是自己。不管表面怎么开心，都治愈不了内心的伤痛。

在网上看到这样一段话：
“其实这个世界很奇怪,好女孩和好男孩一般在爱情上总是受伤的。有句话叫男人不坏,女人不爱。同样,男人也很容易爱上"坏"女人。在爱情的世界里,可能是没有好人和坏人之分的,一切都是前世注定的。
爱过,不后悔,是自欺欺人,有爱,就有痛。爱有多深,痛就有多深。每痛一次,即使痊愈,心灵会有留下伤疤,伤疤总是丑陋的。所以爱得太多的人,会渐渐变得丑陋,冷酷和多疑。爱真的只要一点点就够了,太多了,伤人伤己。”

爱真要一点点就够了吗?爱太多了，真的会伤人吗？我生活中的人真的都是冷酷而多疑的吗？也许这都是事实。我知道今天的行为，一定会伤到人，可是，好像心中有小魔鬼在作怪，就是想要伤他。也许是嫉妒心，也许想要求得心理平衡，被人伤也要想伤人。想想自己真的是很傻，因为这么做对自己一点好处也没有，反而弄得心里更加难受。


也许我太浪漫主义了，我对爱的经验并不多，到现在为止，我也还不能清楚地给它一个定义。可我一直想要的幸福就是能和一个我深爱的人并深爱我的人一起生活。我一直想，如果我真正爱上一个人的话，我一定会用整个身心去爱他，去关心他，但我也要求能得到同样的回报。也许这样的要求在现在的年龄和生活中太不现实了。记得读书时和同寝室要好的女生聊天，讲为什么人要生活在一起。她告诉我说，有人在一起是为了爱情，可那只是很小一部分人，大多数人只是到了年纪，有了还过得去的朋友，觉得该在一起过日子了，两人可以互相照应，可以省去很多麻烦事，所以才决定要在一起过。我当时很惊讶于这样的结论，一直想，我是与众不同的，我一定会是为了爱情才会和别人在一起生活。可是，现在想来，爱情可能只是生活中或两性关系中很小的一部分，我却一直把它当成生活的全部了。想起印度人大部分还是由父母包办的婚姻，记得有一次和印度同事聊天，讲起他们的婚姻。同事跟我说，包办婚姻其实要比自由恋爱结婚的稳定的多。因为人们对包办婚姻并没有什么太多的期望，而自由恋爱的人对婚姻的要求太高，因此较难满足。也许我就是这样的人，自己给自己挖个陷阱跳进去，对爱情的期望太高了，才造成现在这样的状况--伤心，自暴自弃。他也曾说我智商高，情商低。也许要换一个角度来看问题了，可又不知该怎么做，太难了。

胡言 (Nonsense)

晚上吃完饭，大伙一起涌去一个朋友家玩。他们开始在饭桌上打牌，我一人坐在厅里看陆幼青的“生命的留言--《死亡日记》”。朋友笑我故作深沉，其实我只是不喜欢打牌。我一向认为打牌浪费时间。听着朋友们又叫又笑的大声嚷嚷，我想也许打牌的确是社交的一个好手段，但不是我的。

有些心事，也不喜欢打牌，一人坐在厅里看书，尽管外面很吵闹，我却也能静下心来潜心看书。看了一半，突然发现虽然眼睛还是盯在书上，可是页数却不见长，思绪也不知飘到哪里去了。人的思想真是一种很奇怪的东西，它是人的一部分，可又不受人控制，经常你指东，它往西。越不要想的事它越要去想，弄得你很疲惫却又不知该如何是好。也许潜意识里你还是想要去想的，即使你所想得使你悲伤。有的时候，我觉得自己像自虐狂一样，越难受越要想。就像听Yiruma的音乐，明明知道听了会伤心，可还是没日没夜得听--在工作时，在车里，在家里，无时无刻不在放。也许，从小到大，我的生活都太顺了，没有遇到过什么特别令人伤心的事。上帝可怜我在世三十年，各种情感都应品尝一下，于是这一次是真伤心了。既然接受恩惠，就应当好好回报，所以我要仔细体验这伤心的滋味。

伤心也是一种很奇怪的感觉。我总是在想，伤心是因为想到不开心的事。其实，伤心的时候，我想到的多是开心的感觉，只是伤心这种感觉再也得不到了。还有很多想要去做的事，想要说的话，也许都没有机会去做，没有机会去说了。伤心和眼泪一定是孪生姐妹，她们的出现都是为了那些得不到的人，事，或感情。

有的时候，我会想我有双重性格。或者，我是一个极好的演员。再或，我是一个城府很深的人。因为我自己也佩服自己可以将内心的感情掩藏得这么好。我可以如此快乐的出现在朋友面前，却独自一人偷偷在家伤心流泪。也许，我只是自欺欺人，以为自己隐瞒得很好，其实早已有人看出，只是知道我要面子，不点穿罢了。

夜已深了，手指只是随着思绪在敲打键盘，并不知道自己到底在写些什么，一派胡言吧！

旅程 (Journey)

当他说出他再也不会有爱的感觉了，她听到心里有像玻璃破碎一样的声音。在他们刚认识时，他就说过他的心是死的。她并没有太在意，因为并不期望会有什么结果。她一直很小心的保护自己不被受伤害，可是心里还是很痛。

生活好像一个旅程，所有人旅途的目的地都是同一个，死亡！但每个人选择的旅途都是不相同的。在旅途中，你会碰上同行的人，有的可能只于你交叉而过，有的愿意陪你走上一程。有人喜欢独行天下，更多的人愿意结伴而游。也许你会在同行的人中找到你的游伴，两人可以一起分享旅途中的快乐和辛酸。有了好的旅伴，无论目的地在那儿，旅途都是愉快的。

他和她是两个孤独的旅行者，背着重重的行囊漫无目的的四处行走。一次邂逅，他们的旅途交织在了一起。因为孤独，寂寞，空虚，彼此都期望在对方身上找到旅行的答案。

她时常觉得累，希望可以有一个地方停下来歇歇脚，希望那是一个可以叫做家的地方。她在书上读到过--“家是可以让自己甘愿停留下来的地方，有很多人聚集在一起吃饭的地方，有人可以拥抱在一起入眠度过漫漫长夜的地方。即使是小旅馆的简陋房间，只有一张床，但若觉得温暖安全，都可算是一个家。”她只是想有一个温暖的家。但不知为何，一直不能够得到。希望日渐磨损，知道得到感情是一件困难的事情，而她自己亦并不懂得该如何付出。在旅途中，她也碰到过有行人愿意接过她的行囊和她结伴而行，也有人敞开房子大门希望她能进来歇歇脚或长住。可是这都不是她想要得，她亦说不清自己到底想要什么，也许只是一种深爱和被深爱的感觉。

他带着一颗空空的心到处游逛，在旅途中玩世不恭的不停得在换着旅伴。也许他想从旅伴的身上得到一些证实，可他自己也不清楚到底想要证实些什么。

他们相遇，并排行走，互相慰籍着对方，但又保持着一定的距离。因为谁也不知道他们共同的旅程会有多远多长。不知何时，她开始暗暗希望他们共同的旅程越长越好，可是她不敢表示，因为她不敢确认他是否愿意为她停留，而她身上的行囊又太重，使她感觉跟不上他的脚步。于是她努力告诉自己不要胡思乱想，只要尽量走好和他在一起的每一步路。

终于，他决定去遥远的他乡独自旅行，梦想着在新的世界里可以找到他想要的证实。她伤心，哭泣，可骄傲的她决定把一切都埋在心里，不想让他看出她的脆弱，不想接受怜悯。于是，她努力告诉自己不要去想那一个日子，努力告诉自己在那之后的旅程并没有什么两样，只是行囊一天一天的在加重，在夜里经常会被压得喘不过气来。而白天，在他面前，她总是有如昙花一般展现她最美的一面，只希望，这短暂的昙花可以维持到那最后一天。

醉笑陪君三万场，不诉离伤。当一个人在我们身边的时候，我们不会知晓与他分别的时地。就像我们在生的时候，亦不会知道死。

人生的旅程是迷茫的，你不知道自己会走到哪里，也不知道会遇见谁。他们的旅程从远到近，到交织，再到分离。没有人会预见是这样的过程和结局。也许，他们将自此分道扬镳，只能在旅程的终点再次汇合；也许，有一天，他们会在那遥远的他乡再次相遇。我祈祷...

How many faces can a person have?

I think everyone has at least two faces – one in front of people, one behind. Maybe even more, I think I have different faces to different people – I can be a kid to the elder, an adult to the younger. I show my best side in front of people, but hide my weakest spot from everybody. Am I a good actress? I can be so active and fun in the party, nobody can tell what’s in my mind. I put on big smile, making jokes, singing and dancing, looking so happy. But when I read the lyric of the song, it just unavoidably hit the softest spot of my heart. I feel so sad, but I can still sing with smile on my face. I can still drink and chat with everyone like nothing has ever happened, but cry silently in my heart. I feel useless and helpless, but in the mean time, I’m savoring the sadness, trying to feel all the emotions flowing through my heart. I don’t know why, maybe I’m just a sad clown.

Clown

What is Love?

I kept asking myself this question, what is Love? How do I know what I’m feeling is love? How do I know it’s not just a temporary fascination? I don’t know the answer. There are so many questions around it, but I cannot get the answer. I know I’m having such a feeling that I never had before, it can make me go extreme, extremely happy or extremely sad.

Love is about giving and receiving. I used to think that I am a self-centered person, ‘cause I always receive more than I give. I hurt people in that sense. Then I started to learn how to give, I found out the more you give, the easier you get hurt. But if there is no hurt, how do you know there is real love? Therefore, even though it hurts, I still think giving is a better feeling. And only until I know how to give, I start to really appreciate for the love I receive. But giving and receiving has to be balanced. If I keep giving out my love but don’t get any back, my heart will be hurt. It will be empty in the end. When a heart is empty, it will take time to refill. Maybe the heart can still receive love, but it has nothing to give back. Maybe with enough love the heart receives the wound can be healed, but who knows how long it will take. It has to wait, wait until the sparkle comes, until the heart is filled with love again.

Love is like sunset, so beautiful but sad.

思念一个人的滋味 (The Taste)

思念一个人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然后用很长很长的时间
一颗一颗流成热泪

昨夜是一个不眠夜，迷迷糊糊只睡了两个小时。强打着精神上了一天班。回家听Yiruma的音乐，又暗自伤神。自从生病以来一直睡眠不足，体重倒是掉下去一些，日子过得好累啊！

坚强面对 (Be Brave)

昨夜又是哭着入睡的。早上醒来，想起昨夜的梦境。在梦中，一切都是那么美好，醒来确是一场空，不自觉枕头又湿了一片。为什么好的梦总是空的，而恶梦却是现实。在结局出现之前，就已曾梦到过，为什么没有接受预兆，还是一往无顾得投入？

觉得自己没有出息，因为受伤的只有自己，再难受也没有人会真正理解，同情，也没有人可以帮助。可是情不自禁就会想起美好的时光和心动的感觉，泪水又会不知不觉地涌出来。并不后悔所做过的一切，把它当作人生经历，只是在以后要好好学习如何去经营自己的感情。伤口可以随着时间的流逝而复合，可是即使伤口复和，还是会留下伤疤。越深的伤口，留下的疤痕越深。要努力去学会小心保护好自己的伤口，不要再轻易被感染。但是不可以因为受到伤害而丧失希望，如果没有了希望，生活将不再有意义。I still wish for love, I still want to share my life with someone, who I love and who loves me back!

说给自己听，也希望自己能做到，像“戒你如戒烟”中所写，用很小很小的声音，告诉自己坚强面对。

希望今夜不用哭着入睡。

明天真的会是新的一天吗？(Will tomorrow be a new day?)

不敢独自呆在家里，呆着就会不由自主地去听Yiruma的音乐，眼泪就会情不自禁的流下来。出门一整天，和朋友们一起嬉笑，想忘却伤痛。可一静下来，眼眶里就会有湿湿的液体涌出来。不知道该如何去面对，不想要旁人的怜悯，只能给自己安排满满的日程。明天真的会是新的一天吗？

Alviso

快乐的稻草人 (The Happy Scarecrow)

日复一日，年复一年，稻草人总是孤零零地守护着稻田。农人在制作稻草人的时候，给了稻草人一张很精致的脸，大大的黑眼睛，长长的睫毛，和一张殷红的笑颜。不管是日晒还是雨淋，稻草人总是直直地站着，高高上扬的嘴角，看上去很快乐的笑着。行人路过时，总会稍稍滞留一下脚步，看一眼稻草人，想这是一个多么快乐的稻草人啊。也有年轻的过客，被稻草人美丽的容颜所吸引，走近来细细端详。微风吹过，稻草人轻轻摇摆起来，草裙发出沙沙的声响。过客用手掠过稻草人的唇角，轻叹道真是一个漂亮快乐的稻草人啊。由于旅途的疲劳，过客在稻草人的裙摆下睡着了。稻草人低下头，温柔的注视着熟睡中的过客，过客发出轻轻的鼾声，睫毛微微颤动着。天色暗下去，冷风吹过，过客不禁在梦中打了个寒颤。于是稻草人掏出身体深处最柔软的稻草，轻轻盖在过客身上，过客在梦中满足的嘟囔了一声，又转身沉沉睡去。稻草人就这样一整夜的注视着过客，暗自希望他就一直这样陪在自己的身边。天色微明，年轻的过客从旅途的疲劳中彻底恢复出来，看到自己身上盖着的稻草，有些惊讶，但没有多想，只是顺手将它搁在了路的一旁。稻草顺风飘走了，过客凝视了一伙儿，站起身来，掸了掸衣服上的灰尘，转过身，摸了摸稻草人的头，说“快乐的稻草人，谢谢你让我在你身影下歇息了一夜，我要继续我的旅程了。”稻草人瞪着大眼睛凝视着前方，使劲地喊着，“带我走吧，让我跟随你去天涯海角！”可不管稻草人怎么用力，美丽微笑的嘴唇却发不出一丝声音。年轻的过客挥了挥手，头也不回地走了。稻草人看着过客的背影，眼角留下两滴泪。一位母亲带着孩子赶路经过稻草人，孩子指着稻草人的脸说，“稻草人在哭呢！”母亲看了一眼稻草人说“傻孩子，快乐的稻草人是不会哭的，那只是黎明留下来的露水！”于是日复一日，年复一年，稻草人还是瞪着大眼睛，微笑着凝视着前方，没有人发现稻草人的身体里是空的，快乐的稻草人，她没有了心！

戒你如戒烟 (ZT)

这是网上的一位网友在看了我写的“伤心”后有所感触而写下的，我很喜欢，收集在此。

戒你如戒烟

戒你如戒烟,明明知道不能上瘾,不能放任了自己的情感. 可是却沉迷与那一种滋味,终于在不知不觉之间,放弃了抵抗的意志,把自己放进了故事之中,随着自己和你的心情起伏.

在转身离去的那一个瞬间,终于还是有泪, 你后来奇怪的问我为什么不回头看你, 我微笑不语,怎么可以看你啊,再回头就没有了离开的勇气,如果冲动的代价就是长夜漫漫辗转反侧不能成眠,那么我是否真的愿意就这样的消磨了我的夜…

于是我咬紧了牙关,用很小很小的声音跟自己说要坚持,可是戒你就如戒烟,从来也不会如此容易….所以我才会才会总是慢慢回想你的眼睛,茫然的想象是否你的目光中也曾经有过一点怜惜,却怎么也想不起.

以前听过的一首老歌,名字是 “你知不知道,思念一个人的滋味”

你知不知道
思念一个人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然后用很长很长的时间
一颗一颗流成热泪
你知不知道
寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因为思念谁
你知不知道
痛苦的滋味
痛苦是因为想忘记谁
你知不知道
忘记一个人的滋味
就像欣赏一种残酷的美
然后用很小很小的声音
告诉自己坚强面对


于是在这个夜里,我写下这些纪念的文字,不是为了想起,而是为了忘记.因为你就如指间的一点青烟,总是在暗暗的夜里飘来我的眼前.

和你的相遇是一种偶然,你笑着说是两个寂寞的人在寻找一点温暖的安慰.我也笑着听,只是我的寂寞和你的寂寞实在从开始就不同的,因为我和你从来就不同,你很惊奇我怎么会是个理性的人,因为我给你的印象是一个冲动的女子,全心的投入,让你觉的累,也有一点点的害怕.怕窒息的感觉,你想要一个好朋友,淡淡的站在远远的地方,想起来觉的温暖,却不会迷失了自己.我完全同意,因为我们都是一样的漂流,所以我们不要任何的牵挂. 只是在夜里,总是会想起你,想起你的呼吸,和你紧紧的拥抱.所以,请你给我时间,让我慢慢的习惯没有你在身边,让我戒你如戒烟. 也请你相信,也许有反复,也许我会哭泣,可是我会认真的戒你,不要你有任何的负担.

伤心 (Heartbroken)

伤心，不敢入睡，怕眼泪会止不住地流，怕明天早上上班眼睛会肿。一遍一遍得听Yiruma的钢琴曲，只是觉得心里很难受。早知道这一天会来临的，一直自欺欺人，不该投入太多。以为自己是坚强的，其实不堪一击。以为自己是聪明的，可是却傻傻得跳出为自己搭好的堡垒，被打得遍体鳞伤。只怪自己愚蠢，总是期望得到不可能的东西。也许作为女人，我从来就没有聪明过，不然为什么我care的人总是离我而去，为什么我想要得总是可望而不可即？其实，我想要的只是很简单的东西，只是渴望有一个温暖的归宿，在孤独的时候，有人愿意陪我聊天，聆听我的诉说。也许越简单的东西越难以得到，也许我应该退回我的壳里，关上门，不再奢望。可是心底却总是有一丝渴望，希望去寻求美好的东西。还是要坚强一些，流泪只是使自己更加伤心，因为并没有人真正关心你的感受。明天，还是要抬起头微笑的去上班，因为不想被人看出，不想接受怜悯。为什么眼泪还是止不住？只是自己在可怜自己。洗一把冷水脸，平息一下自己的心情。想起"Gone with the wind"中Scarlett 说的 "Tomorrow is another day!"相信时间可以冲淡一切，伤痕也可以被埋葬，明天又会是新的一天！

Does happiness depend on what we have?

I read the following quote from an email sent by a member from my photography club today -- "Happiness doesn't depend on what you have or who you are, but it only depends on what you think."

Is this true? I don't think so. Maybe happiness doesn't depend on who I am, but it will definitely depend on what I have. If there is a certain thing, person or feeling I desperately need but cannot have, will I be happy? No, I will be sad, frustrated or maybe angry, but I will never be happy. Thoughts may change the degree of the sadness, but it won't change the basic perspective of how I really feel. I remembered when I post my article "无奈" online, someone left a comment saying that I should not bother myself with such thoughts. He suggested that I should think of those homeless people or people who are poor or sick, then I would feel lucky and happy about myself. Yeah, I am lucky comparing to them, but why should I compare to someone with different background? If everyone just compares himself/herself with those who are poor or sick, yeah, everyone will be satisfied with his/her current situation and be happy, but then how will the world improve if everyone stays in the same spot?

If I had something precious, but I lost it, will I be happy if I know it is somewhere in the world but I cannot have it? No, I won't. I would try my best to look for it, to gain it back, so that I can have it again, so that I can be happy again!



Angry? Sad? Frightened?

SF Carnaval

I went to SF Carnaval Parade with my photography friends yesterday.

SF Carnaval


The parade starts at 9:30 am. In order to get some staging pictures, Big Iron Hammer suggested that we should leave at 7:30 am so that we can get there about an hour before the parade starts. I got up at 6:30 am (I'm very proud of myself), put on my 10 pockets pants and 6 pockets vest (so that I can look like a professional :P) and went to Palo Alto to car pool with him.

We arrived at Harrison Street at around 8:50 am and parked the car on 15th street. It's a little chilly in the morning, but everyone is excited about the parade. We didn't really know where the parade starts. To make things even worse, a volunteer gave us wrong direction. So when we got to the staging area, parade already started. We stood behind the yellow line, starting to shoot pictures. Suddenly a familiar figure passed by inside the parade -- it's Howard! -- The chairman from my photography club. He got the media pass, that lucky guy! He can go inside the yellow line and take pictures as close as he wants. I was so jealous of him, I shall definitely get a media pass too next time.

The parade is fantastic. Pretty girls, handsome guys, great music and dance moves. If my throat is ok, I would go dancing in the crowds for sure since I love dancing. The dresses those girls wear are shiny and very beautiful, but I thought that I would see more skins in the parade. :P I went to the staging area, killed many flash card memories. It's like the real model photographing. In the staging area, you can ask those girls to pose for you, and you will see a dozen of photographers carrying their long or short "guns" to shoot the girls. The prettiest girl is always swamped with all the photographers around her. Well, I'm a no exception, I like to shoot pretty girl too. But I also like to shoot handsome guy. I got quite a few pictures which I consider as good ones. My favorite one is a half naked guy. :)

狂舞

Shopping Day

I have a friend coming from Shanghai for Memorial Day long weekend. He is my best friend's husband. So I'm the tour guide and driver for the weekend.

The first thing he wanted is to shop in the factory outlet stores. So we went to Gilroy today for shopping. I was planning to take him to Monterey, but he said he's been there before, so we just shopped for the whole day.

My throat still hurts and my cough gets worse. I'm kinda tired now. But we had a big complishment. Both of us bought a lot of stuff. He bought many clothes for his customers, I bought many stuff for myself. :D

End of the world -- Sand Tufa of Mono Lake

Kiss the rain -- By Yiruma

Just figured out how to post Flash movie by myself. :D I have to post my favorite flash movie here, which I have mentioned before.

Finally I don't have fever any more, but my throat still hurts badly. I went to see doctor today. But doctor can only say that I need to drink more water and rest. She said it's affected because I was too tired and got a cold. And it will take about a week for my throat to fully recover. I've been drinking water the whole day, and keep going to bathroom. But it really hurts as long as I stop drinking water. :(

3颗猫饼干 (Three Cat Cookies)

*****三颗猫饼干*****


制 作 人 ： 何真真
制 作 群 －作曲/编曲：何真真 钢琴：何真真 竖笛：朱玫玲 其它：吉他 董运昌 手风琴 王雁盟
发行日期 ： 2004－04－26

一只猫和三颗许愿的猫饼干，化解了悲伤，不再孤单、不再寂寞，重新的拥有了爱和关怀。在这个真实空间里，爱让梦想还存在！ 一份最温暖的心灵礼物，一个触动人心的音乐童话 每个大人的内心都住着一个小孩，每副坚强的外表下都藏着一颗脆弱受伤的心。三颗带着希望的猫饼干，一段单纯唯美的奇遇，让你在37℃的橘色温度里，停止眼泪，不再背负伤感 。

一个十岁的小女孩，和爸爸妈妈及唯一的哥哥住在一个拥有一大片橘树的山上，那里有她十岁以前的幸福。一场意外，带走了她的哥哥、带走了她的幸福与和乐，也同时将她带离了那个只剩孤单的家。小女孩的流浪旅程里出现了一只猫，这只猫让她的孤单得到了出口，她不再寂寞。而一位老婆婆的出现，不但让她得到实现愿望的满足，也同时让她找回了爱和关怀。带着悲伤离家的小女孩回家了，带着在旅途中感受到的爱和关怀，以及学会的分享回到了家中，重新的拥有了幸福。随着音乐徜徉在一个童话世界里，我们看见自己的影子在画面的流动中，进行一场关于爱的探索。

在四季不同光景的迭替下，我们体认到生命与情感之轮回是结束也是开始，更深刻了解──爱需要活着时珍惜才有份量。随着流动的音符穿越整个故事情节，何真真透过春、夏、秋、冬四季的变换，在光阴与自然时序的交替中，描绘出人的心情起伏变化，也记录下不同的季节氛围里带给我们的信息。

春天，粉彩缤纷的花瓣散落一地，同时让人计画着该以什么姿态跃入新的开始？

夏天，海天一色的大海，把所有心事都消融在纯真无暇的湛蓝里，一个需要轻盈的脚步才能尝到清新空气的季节！

秋天的温度，则让人忆起孩提时光，微凉的空气里弥漫着大地将要荒无的气息，却也让我们学习面对万物之自然消长。

冬天，树木裹在透明的冰晶下，提醒我们要永远保有心灵的澄澈干净，才听得清楚、看得远。

于是在四季迭替，日、月、风、雨的恩泽下，让我们体认生命与情感之轮回是结束也是开始；尤其在自然面前的卑微和渺小，更让我们深刻了解──爱需要活着时珍惜才有份量。 当我们长大了，「复杂」的思维成为一种必然，很多简单的事物开始变得沉重──后来一天，才发现要回到过去的单纯并不容易很多孩子长大了，必须挺起胸来面对成人世界的林林种种，于是我们原始纯真的面貌逐渐模糊，很多简单的事物开始变得复杂而沉重。

三颗猫饼干 —— 夏天的风吹在蓝色的海上，白色的云随着风自在的飘逸，我躺在绵绵的白云上，听着鲸鱼的呼吸，看着海鸥飞过，这一幕让我想起童年的笑声。其实每个大人心里都住着一个小孩，只要静静的听就会找到那最自在，纯真，平静的自己，Soul is free 自由的心才有真实的爱。爱是一种探险，等待对方付出，不如自己先去实践；爱是一种自由，可以在任何时间进入心门，没有阻碍；爱是一种满足，在一起的时候，不说话也很自在；爱是一种欢迎，当非同类出现的时，大方的邀请他加入；爱是一种魔法，在真实的空间里，还有梦存在的地方。

第1颗猫饼干：

让我们在悲伤的时候，找到心灵的依伴！

第2颗猫饼干：

让我们在春、夏、秋、冬四季的迭替中，发现时间是疗愈伤痛最好的药方。

第3颗猫饼干：

让我们在人生的经历中，学会面对，才能继续拥抱生活。


Opening 心植桂冠

Spring in pink 粉红色的旋舞（春）

Summer`s blue 贝壳里的心事（夏）

Silent love 微笑的弧度

Autumn breeze 起风前的相遇（秋）

A wish 礼物

Crystal winter 透明的灵魂（冬）

If You were by my side 桔色温度

Frozen tears 晶冻的眼泪（冬）

Loving is a splendid thing 爱是绚烂的事

Soul is free 永不停止的愿望

生病了(Being sick)

我很久没有生病了，昨天晚上喉咙开始痛，量了体温，有些低烧，以为睡一觉就会好的，谁知早上醒来温度更高了，于是请了假在家休息。BB来看过我两次，一次给我买了粥和下粥的小菜，其中有我最爱吃的肉松。还有一次给我带来了药，因为我很久没生病，药都过期了。感觉被人关心和疼爱，很幸福。原来生病也是美好的！谢谢BB!

生病的时候，才知道有那么多的人关心我，同事，朋友都有打电话或发信来慰问，问我需要什么东西或帮忙与否。真是在家靠父母，出外靠朋友啊！其实在现在的年纪，朋友比父母在我生活中的位置可能更为重要，因为离家这么远，有很多事情是不可能与父母交流的，即使聊了，他们也未必能了解。像公司昨日裁员的事，也并没有告知父母，怕他们又会担心。心情不好，也只能与朋友诉说。好在有可以说话的朋友，能够平抚一下我昨日的坏心情。虽然生病混身不舒服，可是想到有人关心我，让我对生活和在我生活中的人还是充满感激。

晚上吃了药，发了汗，烧好像褪下去一些。又在网上看我喜欢的Flash，3颗猫饼干， 喜欢其中的一段话：

每个大人心里都住着一个小孩，只要静静的听，就会找到，那最自在，纯真，平静的自己
Soul is free 自由的心 才有真实的爱
爱是一种探险 等待对方付出，不如自己先去实践
爱是一种自由 可以在任何时间进出心门，没有阻碍
爱是一种满足 在一起的时候，不说话也很自在
爱是一种魔法 在真实的空间里，还有梦存在的地方

I'm sick

I haven't been sick for a long time. I guess I had too many things going on recently. My body is stressed out. My throat started to hurt badly last night by the time I went to bed. And this morning I had a fever about a little over 100F. Not too high, but enough to give me a headache. So I told my boss and decided to stay at home for the day. I slept the whole morning, had some medicine, hopefully I'll get better by tonight.

Picture taken at June lake, during the mono lake trip

It really sucks!

Just found out that the PM I like and my favorite DOC person are gone too. It sucks! Seems that the nicer you are, the sooner you get laid off! It reminded me of the No. 1 rule from Bill Gates -- Life is not fair - get used to it!

Here are all 11 rules from Bill Gates when he gave a speech to some high school students:

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about yourself-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right outof high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, andlistening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real lifepeople actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll endup working for one.

Lay-off

We had a lay-off today. One of my closest friends in the company is gone. I just walked her out of the office. We have 4 girls very close to each other -- me, VG, VZ and JC. They all joined earlier than I did. We've been through all the layoffs in those very depressed economy down time. Now when everyone thinks that economy is getting better, VZ is gone. I felt very very sad to see her leaving. I won't say it's a bad thing for her to leave, we all think she got a pretty decent package and she definitely can get a better job. It's just an emotion thing. I never felt this bad about any previous layoffs, I felt so close to this time and I am affected more deeply. I feel kind of trapped here. I'm waiting for my green card so that I cannot move. I feel like that I'm just waiting at here to be laid off in the next round or the one after. It's a horrible feeling. I remembered that I had a dream the night before. I was chased by a bunch of bad guys. I ran into someone's house, and they let me hide under the bed. The bed is very low, I have to squeeze myself in and lie on my stomach. The space is so small that I feel suffocating and trapped under the bed. Then the bad guy came in and looked around. I was praying and praying, but still, he found me easily. Then I woke up from my dream with that suffocating, trapped feeling. Now I have the same feel again -- trapped here, waiting to be caught.

Trapped

KFog KaBoom!

My friends and I went to "KFOG KaBoom!" on Saturday afternoon.

KFog KaBoom! -- A favorite annual tradition in the Bay Area, this free event, featuring a concert with major recording artists is topped off with one of the best fireworks displays in the country. The gigantic fireworks show over the Bay will explode in harmony with a KFOG World Class Rock soundtrack broadcast on KFOG at 104.5FM and 97.7FM.

I was pretty excited about the event, not because of the concert, but because of the fireworks. I really wanted to take some fireworks pictures. I have never tried that before, and I didn't know how to take fireworks pictures at all. So I did some research before I left for the event, learned some basic rules, and squeezed my jacket, tripod and my camera in my backpack, then I was on my way to the concert.

It is estimated that about 350,000 people would come to the event. So I and my friends decided to go there earlier to get a better location for the concert and the fireworks. The concert is on pier 30-32. We drove to Daly City and took the Bart to the city. We got there around 3:30, and found out that there're already many people inside. We were so un-prepared for the event. All the locals brought blankets or beach chairs to sit on. We brought nothing. B is pretty smart; he went to steal some garbage bags. Luckily we found a good spot, so all 6 of us can sit comfortably on the garbage bags.

The event is great, although I didn't really know those bands and artists. I had a great time. I walked around, taking pictures, getting free stuffs, drinking beer and dancing in the crowds. I was patiently waiting for the fireworks.

Finally it was announced that the fireworks was going to start soon. I immediately got up and set up my tripod. At the same time I went through all the rules in my mind about how to take firework pictures, and adjusted the camera setting according to the rules. I took out my remote control, and change the camera mood to the remote control mood, opened the lens cover, pointing the lens toward the sky. I was so ready to take the pictures. Then the fireworks started with the music in the background. It was splendid and romantic. B was standing by D holding her back; they made a very romantic couple at the moment. I was busy taking pictures, but I was kind of jealous of them, wishing that I would have someone standing by me too at that moment. The fireworks were really amazingly beautiful; you just hear people's Ahhhs and Woooos the whole time. I could only pray that I have them all in my memory card vividly. But no luck, after I got home, I checked all my firework pictures. Only one or two came out ok, the rests are failures. :( Defintely need more practice, for now, I can only have all the beautiful fireworks in my memories!


Fireworks

Technically Funny

We went to a comedy show Friday night at San Jose Improv. The comedian is called Don Mcmillan. He was a chip design engineer before, and he uses PowerPoint to present all his jokes. He is really hilarious. My favorite jokes are driving on HW Binary 5, and VOIP (Voice on I Pee). He uses PowerPoint to make graphics and jokes on how people in the co-op to use PowerPoint. I laughed so hard that I cannot even laugh any more toward the end of the show because my mouth and my stomach feel so sore. :)

After the show, we went clubbing. Got back home around 2 am, tired, but it was fun!

Clouds

Taken during Mono Lake trip last weekend.

Mono Lake Trip

I took a three day trip to Mono Lake over the weekend with 3 friends. It is a cool, fun and adventurous trip. We visited the Ghost Town, Mono Lake, June Lake, Hot Creek and Reno. We did some crazy things -- jumping into hot spring in the middle of the night, sexy dancing in the club, having hot pot in the motel room... I took some nice pictures. It is a great trip!

Mono Lake

Ice Skating

N organized an ice skating event for tonight. I don't know how to ice skate at all, I don't even know how to roller blade. I was thinking that I need to prepare for tomorrow's trip, such as buying snacks, drinks, etc. Since we did that yesterday, there is not much left for me to prepare today, so I decided to go.

N posted the address of the ice skating place online, I printed out Yahoo map. But the map is wrong, it took me 20 minutes driving on that street back and forth to look for the place. And N's cell phone is not working. I have no idea where it is. Then I saw J and B, who seemed clueless as I were. But 3 brains are always better than one, we finally managed to find the place.

I'm not good at balancing, and I'm really scared of falling down. So during the whole time, either I have some people beside me to drag me on the ice, or I just grab the wall and move very carefully. So I didn't fall even once, of course I still don't know how to skate. :P

B is very good at skating, he can do all kinds of stuff on ice. There is one move, we call it "crab move". Because he has his legs wide open, with his knees bending, he glides while keeping his legs and knees in the same surface. He does look like a crab from certain point of view. :P And he really likes doing that, keeping doing it over and over. I think it's very hard to control the weight center and speed in that posture, I saw him falling down on his butt twice. :P

We had dinner at TGIFriday afterwards, and some people still wanted to go clubbing or play poker. I need to get up at 7am for my trip. Geee, it's 2am now, I'd better sleep. :)

Last weekend from Shoreline park

Prepare for the Mono lake trip

Since I like photographing, I'm always browsing online to see other people's pictures. Many of them have nice pictures of Mono Lake. The pictures are mostly taken at the sunset time. In those pictures, everything is wearing a golden red color. The clouds are red, the lake is red. The tall white tufas stand in the lake, with the red reflection from the water, mysterious yet beautiful. It just excites you to see those pictures and makes you wanna go there. So when eagleeye asks me to go to Mono Lake for photographing, I accepted right away with not a little hesitation. Finally I can see the real thing, instead of just browsing other people's pictures now. :)

I asked two of my gangs to go with me, B and J. Since the weather has been weird this year (it still has rains at this season), HW 120 is still closed. We have to drive through Tahoe and get there by HW 395. The driving will take about 6-7 hours. So we decided to take Monday off so that we can have three days, enough time to visit all the places we want to go.

We had dinner together tonight, made a good plan for the trip -- picking the places where we want to visit and proposing where we are going to have lunches/dinners on the way. Since both eagleeye and I are from the photographing club, we really want to take some good sunset pictures of Mono Lake. He suggested that we'll stay in the motel by the lake. But it's a very small town there, so all the restaurants there will be closed after the sunset. B came up with this great idea that we'll bring our own stuff and have hot pot in the motel. Therefore after dinner, B, J and I went to buy food/snacks. We bought a full load of snacks and hot pot food. It should be enough for three days. :)

Last weekend from Shoreline Park

So many things, so little time

I haven't written for a while, there are so many things going on recently. Lots of events, ballroom dancing, learning golf, playing Ping-Pong... Just feel like so little time to do all the stuff I like.

Writing is just like photographing, you need to have certain mood to do it; otherwise the content will be dull. I like to take picture alone by myself, if there are some people with me, it's hard for me to think and capture what I want to express. I'm not a good photographer. I think I have some sort of artistic eye to have a good composition of the picture, but I'm not good at expressing my feeling and mood through the lens. Not talented in this area.

There will be a photo exhibition soon for the club members from my photography club. Every member has a chance to hand in some pictures which may get into the exhibition. I'd better take more pictures. Hopefully I can get some really nice ones so that I can show off my work too. :)

Santa Cruz

J organized a BBQ at Santa Cruz National Bridge park. It is a little bit cold today, but the BBQ is great. I'm so stuffed. I took some pictures since I always have my models with me. Good to be a photograher with lots of pretty girl friends. :P

Kayak

温暖的感觉，真好 (The warm feelig)

她的手总是冰冷的，即使在炎热的夏天，她的手心出汗的时候，手温也还是低的。他在的时候，常常会把她的手握在自己的手心里，冬天时他会掀开自己衣服的下摆，将她的手捂在自己的肚皮上，使她僵硬的手总能很快的暖和过来。可是现在他不在了，她整日的呆在公司里。办公室里的人总在厨房里见到她孤独的身影，一杯一杯的接着喝热茶。他们都说她是一个茶罐子，要用茶来兴奋自己去面对繁忙的工作。其实，她只不过是借助热水的温度来暖一下自己的手罢了。工作累了的下午，她会一个人在厨房里，冲一杯热热的茶，靠在厨房的大玻璃窗边，让阳光静静的洒在身上。茶水暖着她的手，使她回想起被他的手握住的感觉。她想，温暖的感觉，真好。

Sail at Shoreline Park

I was a model too.

Simple took this picture. I really like it, especially the color. I thought Zhou Tian is not matching in the picture, but everyone else thinks this is the best picture from the event. So maybe I know nothing about photographing then. :( Simple has another picture of me; I think I look better in both of his pictures. I look fat in all other pictures taken by the rest photographers. Hmmm, maybe I am fat now, only looking ok from this angel. :(

I need to learn how to make this kind of color from Photoshop. I always want to go to the discarded car junk yard to take some pictures. I like to have the pictures in a decadent mood. Need to ask models to wear broken jeans, sunglasses, and smoke cigarettes.

Photographers

I took a few pictures of the photographers too during Sunday's model shooting event. This one is pretty funny; I like their expression and postures.

I saw the pictures other photographers posted online, seems I have a lot to learn for model photographing. Compared to theirs, the pictures I took are not good at all. Wish we could have some sessions on how to take portraits next time.

Also, I saw the pictures they took for me online. I look so fat. :( (Even though someone trimmed out my fat for me. :P) I need to loose some weight now. So I went to gym today, burned about 400 cal, and played Ping-Pong for one hour. Need to keep working out and eating less.


Photographers

Model Photographing

I have joined the photographing group for several months now. Yesterday I organized my first photographing event -- "Model Photographing". It was an interesting experience. I shot models and I was a model too. :P I have 5 of my girl friends as the models, and about 7,8 photographers from my club. The weather was a little bit cold yesterday. All my models were kind of frozen standing outside in the late afternoon, but they did a very good job as in putting on nice smile or expression on their face and keeping the posture even though their body is shaking in the chilly weather. The shooting place is actually where I live. We shot in my apartment complex. So it's convenient for models to change clothes and warm up. (Since I have such a nice apartment. :P)

This time I didn't feel so embarrassing of my camera, (not like last time when we went shooting the birds), 'cause mine is not the smallest or worst this time. :P But I still like the big DSLR, the shutter just sounds so sexy to me. I'll definitly get one when the price comes down and when my shooting skill improves.


Model Photographing

My posts in the forum

Today I feel like that I really have some talent in writing. I'm always studying Engineering, dealing with numbers and algorithms. When I was in high school, I didn't get good score in my Chinese class. And in college, we don't have such class any more. So I seldom write articles. But I do like to read – novels and good prose. I'm more interested into prose which talks about love, life and death now. Probably it's because I'm getting old. And I started to write in my blog, trying to keep a journal of my thoughts, mood, and emotions.

I always read this online Chinese forum "Born in 70's", since it's from my age group. The day before, I started to post some of my articles there too. I posted about 4 articles, and later on I found out that 3 of them have been put on the top of the list, and they also are collected in the "Best Articles" section now. I feel very proud of myself.

Nightmare (梦魇)

从梦中惊醒，发觉浑身冰凉，手心里全是汗。还是那个梦，那个做了一遍又一遍的梦。在梦中，我又回到小时候和父母一起住的公寓楼。父母住在顶楼，我欢欣雀跃地要到楼上去看望他们。在我上楼时，楼梯突然变得奇怪起来，有时向上，有时向下。有很多次，只要再上一层楼就可以到家了，已经能看到父母住的公寓的门了，可是楼梯又开始向下转去。怎么走也走不到顶楼。有的时候，在梦里，我会记得去爬墙，好不容易到达顶楼，敲开父母家的门。发现我不认识来开门的人，父母已经不住在那儿了。可是我没有他们新的地址，他们好像就这样消失了。只觉得自己的心一下就被淘空了。从梦中醒来，心脏狂跳不止，有时感觉它好像跳到了喉咙口，觉得窒息，只能掀开被子大口大口的呼吸。睁大眼睛盯着天花板上倒映的数字钟，使劲告诉自己这只是一个梦，可眼泪还是会不由自主地顺着脸颊淌下来，浸湿半边枕头。半夜里，会有冲动想要打电话回家，又害怕梦会是真实的预兆。也不愿告诉父母自己的梦，怕他们会担心。只能辗转反侧，不敢入睡，怕又回到同样的梦境中。

我祈祷，希望在大洋彼岸的父母身体健康。

Dream

I didn't sleep well last night, keeping waking up the whole night. I think I had some dreams. I don't remember what exactly happened in my dream, all I can remember is that there're many people in it, but all strangers. I remembered I saw some face, but don't recognize him. I just felt so tired this morning when the alarm woke me up.

I used to have dream every night when I was sleeping. And I can always remember the dream I had.

There was one time I always had the same dream over and over, and it scared me a lot. In that dream, I was back in China. The background is the building where my parents live. I'm looking for my parents. Everything seems so real in the dream, exactly the same building in real life. They live on the top floor, no elevator. I start to go up stairs, I go and go, but the stairs turns so weird. Sometime it goes up, sometime it goes down. I can see the door of the apartment, but no matter how I turn on the stairs, I just can't reach it. Many times, it seems that I only need to go upstairs for one more floor, the door is right there, but then the stairs starts to lead down. It's like a maze, and I can't get to the end. Sometime in my dream, I climb, I jump, finally when I reach the door and ring the bell, the person who opens the door is NOT my mom. My parents don't live there any more. And I don’t know where they move to, they were just gone.

I was often startled and waken up by those dreams, feeling so much pain inside the heart. I cannot breath. It feels like that they left me and I can never see them any more. In the middle of night, I would stare at the ceiling and try very hard to calm myself down and hold the urge to call them. I don't want to scare them or let them worried. The dream is so vivid in my memory. Even now, when I’m writing it, it just appears in front of my eyes, and still scares me.

Love & Happiness (幸福与爱情)

幸福

幸福就是半夜起来给他掖背角时，他抱住你的胳膊说喜欢你，又转身沉沉睡去的时候。
幸福就是在你说手冷时，他把你的手握在他宽大温暖的掌心中的时候。
幸福就是你在半夜醒来，有人在背后紧紧拥着你的感觉。
幸福就是大家在一起吃饭时，他把菜夹到你的盘子里的时候。
幸福就是知道有人会时时刻刻惦念着你的时候。

爱情

爱情就是在他熟睡的时候，轻轻地吻他的脸庞。
爱情就是在你只剩下一块红豆蛋糕时，舍不得吃，一定要带回去给他吃的时候。
爱情就是无论在你多忙时，一听他需要你，就会放下手头的事去帮他分忧解难。
爱情就是你会心甘情愿地为他去做你都不愿为自己打点的事情。
爱情就是无论有多少人，你在人群中只看到他的时候。

每个人都希望有一段刻骨铭心的爱情，其实幸福和爱情都是由日常生活中的点滴小事组成的。不奢望有痛彻心扉的爱情，只希望平常生活中的幸福能历经天长地久，成为自己的经典爱情。

――读伊能静的《生死遗言》有感。

Tears (眼泪)

流泪只为了一种原因，为了你想要得到却得不到的东西。小的时候，流泪可能只是为了想要一个玩具或一根雪糕；而长大以后则可能是为了一段无法满足的情，一个不能得到心的人，一个你期望能改过却又来不及的事。

随着年龄的增长，发现自己的眼泪慢慢多了起来。小的时候，我是不怎么哭的。家里的人坐在一起看悲情电视，除了我之外都在唏嘘流泪。而我总是一幅不在乎的神态，想不过就是一电影吗，有什么好值得哭的呢？结果被家里人冠为“没心没肺”之名。长大之后，有时会去放小时候看过的老片子看，看到一半时会突然发现自己已泪流满面，惊觉自己并不是“铁石心肠”啊。只是少时不懂，没有相应的生活经历，对电影里的人和事都不能理解。大了以后，对生活有了种种感受，看着电影，也能联想起发生在自己身边的点点滴滴，触动了心事，体会到电影中所描述的情和事，才会流泪。看小说，听音乐，也时常会感动得流泪。我想人在逐渐成熟的过程中，也会由理性向感性转变，至少我是这样的。现在的我对生活或艺术作品更有感触，更能联想起自己的亲身经历。好的作品不仅可以开阔我的想象力，更多地会勾起我对往事的回忆，让我对自己有更深刻地认识。人成熟后，才会真正流泪。

海阔天空

Weekend Alone (一个人的周末)

慵懒的早晨，阳光透过百叶窗的缝隙照射进来，在地毯上印下条条斑马纹。手机铃在响，懒得爬起来去接。J的留言，问我要不要去饮茶，看看时间已晚，于是推辞掉了。打开热水龙头，浴室里弥漫着暖暖的湿气，细细的洗尽了身上残留的体味。裹着大浴巾，给自己热了一杯豆奶，房间响起了柴科夫斯基的乐曲，我又坐在了电脑前面。这两天有些沉迷于“安妮宝贝”的小说。从未想过会喜欢她的小说，一直以为她和卫慧，绵绵一样，只会通过写性来卖书。也是偶尔在网上闲逛时翻开了她的《二三事》，因也没有别的什么是要做，所以就读了起来。谁知静下心来一读，发现在很多事或情绪上非常有共鸣，常常觉得她好像在描述自己的心态似的。她的小说是十分情绪性的，故事性并不是很强或很有逻辑，但我很喜欢开她对人物心态，思维的描写，十分细腻。只是她的小说读起来比较颓废，看完后心情觉得很压抑。

喜欢在周末的白天一人在家的感觉，尤其是太阳好的时候，喜欢阳光洒在沙发上。我会斜躺在沙发上，冲一杯热茶，放自己最喜欢的音乐，悠闲的读小说。读累的时候，也会想出去走走。带上一个Hiking用的水包，背上我的相机，找一个安静的公园，走走照照。一个人的日子是可以很悠闲的。

Saturday

Tax Day

Trying to finish my tax return tonight. Still confusing about ESPP part. :( Why do we have to do tax? Why isn't there some software which you only need to input your social security id and it will collect all the information you need and then calculate it for you? That will make my world much easier and simpler. Oh, I hate to do tax, especially when the result is that I need to pay more! :((

Tax bugs me!

依赖 (Rely)

有很多事，习惯后就成为依赖。像上网，已成为日常生活中不可缺少的一部分。而一日不能上网查收邮件，就会觉得少了点什么。又如现在手机横飞的时代，很多人通过手机可以聊上几个小时，而见面却说不了几句话。一旦忘记带手机或电池没了电，心就会在那儿悬着，总觉着有该接的电话没有接到似的。也只有在这时，才会觉着这些日常生活中的事情对自己的影响有多大。

女人其实是一种依赖性很强的动物，很容易将习惯变成依赖。有人可以依赖也是一种幸福，一种安全感，知道在困难时或是心情不好时可以有所依靠，这样在问题来临时也就不会有太大的畏惧。这也许就是女人总想找一个强壮的肩膀作为避风港的原因吧。有避风港的女人总是很娇柔的，因为她们有人护着，很多事情不需要自己去操心打点。可是依赖性过重往往会使她们失去生活的重心，一旦失去了她们可以依赖的避风港，她们会觉得遭受到象世界末日一样沉重的打击。我的父母和最好的朋友总是告诫我说做人要独立，一定不要依赖心太重。其实像别人一样，如果允许的话，我也愿意有个依赖。但是我知道，一旦失去了这个依赖，对我自己的伤害会很大。我想这也许是我一直很小心保护自己的原因之一。因此在别人的眼里，我是一个非常独立的女性。其实，我不过是因为害怕和惰性而不敢去尝试罢了。人是一个矛盾体，有时我觉得独立很好，自己只要照顾好自己就可以了，不用操心其他的事。可是在孤独时还是会想要拥有依赖的感觉。而在有依赖的感觉时又怕会随时失去这种感觉而受到伤害。也许做人应该积极一些，不要总因为害怕而不去尝试，而是应该在尝试的同时想着怎样去完善去巩固。不要因为怕摔跤而失去走路的自由，不要因为怕飞而放弃俯瞰世界的理想！

Shoreline Park

Took on Saturday afternoon in Shoreline Park

Shoreline Park (1)


Shoreline Park (2)

Flower

Flower

I took this picture on Saturday in Shoreline Park. I took a few of the flowers. This is not focused right, but the effect turns out very nice. I really like it. But I have no idea what is the name of the flower.

Shoreline Park

Yesterday I had lunch with my girl friends. After lunch, they wanted to go shopping. Since the weather was so since, I really wanted to have a walk outside and take some nice pictures. So I decided to leave them and went to take a walk in Shoreline Park.

Shoreline Park is one of my favorite places for walking. It's close by, and has easy trails by the water. I like to hike where there is water next to the trail. My favorite hiking places are Point Lobos and Point Reyes, both by the ocean. I walked for a little over 2 hours. I saw all kinds of birds, but I can only tell Canadian goose and wild ducks. There were 2 people sailing in the lake under sunset. I took quite a few of their snap shots.

On the way back, I decided to drive along Charleston Rd, where our old campus located. I really like the old campus; I had lots of good memories there -- all those good old days. SGI was right across the street at that time. They had such a nice campus, with Beach volleyball court in the campus. We always took a walk around their campus after lunch; sometime we would go all the way to Shoreline Park. Now everything has changed, no SGI there any more. It is Google now; they took over the SGI campus, along with our old building too. I was playing Yiruma's music in the car while I was driving along Charleston; suddenly my car was filled with sadness.

Sail

Golden Gate Bridge night view

We were in Asia SF dancing. And suddenly the power was out. So we had to leave.

We went up to Marina to see Golden Gate bridge. It was after midnight, only a few cars on the mountain, very quiet there. Golden Gate bridge looks extraordinarily beautiful in the dark. I brought my camera with me this time, but no tripod. So I just climbed up the chair, sticking my head out of the sun roof. I put my camera on top of the car and took the Golden Gate bridge night view picture. Unfortunately, the roof of the car is not flat, it's very hard to position my camera, and it's also very windy outside, hard to keep the camera still. I can only take a few pictures before both of my hands got numb. But it's all worth for such a splendid view.


Golden Gate Bridge

Asia SF

R organized the party at Asia SF Friday night. 14 people including me went there. I have never been there before, and R just said that he booked for dinner and there would be some shows. Then I found out that Asia SF is not only a restaurant but also a night club. And the most special thing about it is that all the waitresses are transsexual, and they are also the performers.

It felt kind of weird to see those waitresses. Some are really pretty, and have very good bodies that real women would be jealous of. The only thing which can tell they are transsexual is their voice. Their voice is still low, such as our waitress's. But they are all good performers; some are hilarious on the stage. We were trying very hard to figure out whether they had real surgery or just had female hormone injection. But none of us can tell, I think some of them had the surgery.

Downstairs is the club. When we first got there, we had to wait for our table to get ready, so we went downstairs to take a look. At the corner of the room, there is a small stage, with curtains around it. Some girls were having a bachelor party there, and they hired a male stripper and made a lot of noises. Later on after dinner and show, we went downstairs again to dance. There was a girl (I think she is drunk), she went up to the stage and started to dance around the steel pipe. Then all the people just gathered around the stage watching her dancing, somebody even went up there to give her tips. People drink, get high, and do stuff without thinking -- typical American club style.

Asia SF performer/waitress

心动

世上的东西，有些失去之后就难以得到。
友谊如此，缘分如此，机会如此，感情如此。
要不然还有什么值得珍惜。

有一种朋友，需要天天见面，事事关心，或许，常常摩擦--为了“园容相处”，让自己的缺口被对方填满，更适合“二”在一起。

另一种朋友，很长一段时间见一面，像周期性的抛物线，今年谈去年见面的情景或年年谈第一次交叉线的悸动，百说不厌！冲动，从来没有存在过；思念，却习惯性的出现在某个季节。这种朋友叫做“惯性”。

也有朋友，很少见面，靠默契，灵通，第六感，总给对方需要的悸动，感动，甚至心动的感觉，期待每次的心灵交流，哪怕只有在E-mail，平信，问候的电话，都令人兴奋不已。这类朋友是“缘定”。

逃避不一定躲得过，
面对不一定最难受，
孤单不一定不快乐，
得到不一定能长久，
失去不一定不再有，
转身不一定最软弱。

别急着说别无选择，别以为世上只有对与错，许多事情的答案，都不是只有一个，所以我们永远有路可以走。

Remember, 你能找个理由难过，也一定能找到快乐，懂得放心的人找到轻松，懂得遗忘的人找到自由，懂得关怀的人找到朋友。

我想有时候，一篇短文，一篇文章，一个人，一句话... 都曾给我们心动的感觉，这是一种心灵上的悸动，好好把握这种感觉，别等失去了，才在后悔。记住，人生若不是现在，那是何时，请永永远远记住这一刻的感觉。

On the way

Yiruma

Yiruma is a Korean Pianist. Last year I happened to see a flash "Love Letter" online, about a beautiful but sad love story. The flash became one of my favorites. You can totally understand it even you don't read Chinese. I watched it over and over. And I really like the music in the flash. The music is called "kiss the rain" from Yiruma's piano album -- "From the yellow room". Since then, I started to search Yiruma's albums. I once found a pretty good website which has several of his albums I can listen to. But unfortunately it doesn't work any more and it doesn't allow downloading anyway. So I went to Korean town to look for his CDs, I can't find any there. I even tried to look for his CDs in China, but can't find any either. Luckily, my Korean co-worker had one CD of his album "First Love"; I made a copy from it. I always play it when I'm working, very soothing. When I listen to it, I feel like there is a stream flowing through my heart, soft but warm. It always calms me down.

Landscape

IQ Test

I was chatting with V last night. She is in Singapore for business trip. And she needed to interview someone for globalization test. She was asking my help to find her some IQ test problems. So I told her my favorite one. (I like this one because I solved this one myself and I had a math proof for it. :))
Here it is:
An irregular shaped bottle full of beer. A guy starts to drink the beer from the bottle. How can he find out that he drinks exactly half bottle of beer without any assistance? (No spitting out or back into the bottle, that's the mostly asked question when I give the problem to other people. :P)

Here is another one, a very good one, but I didn't solve it myself, which makes me feel very stupid about myself.
A captain wants to shoot all his 10 soldiers. But he wants to have an excuse to shoot them all. So he gives each soldier a hat, the hat can be either black color or white color. He told the soldiers that they need to stand in a straight line, one after another. The person can only see the people in front of him, but not the people behind him. Then he will ask each one what color of the hat the soldier wears, starting from the last guy (who stands in the last and who can see all other 9 hats). If the soldier answers correct, he would be saved, otherwise, he would be shot by the captain. Then the captain will ask the next guy, so on and so forth. All the soldiers can only answer one word, either white or black. But one soldier is very smart, he thinks of a solution, which can maximize the people who will give the correct answer. What is the solution?

Run away

Green

Finally I took some pictures again! N and I drove around Milpitas. The mountain looks so green, especially in a cloudy day. I really like the weather here; even it rains a lot this year. When you are in the mountain, you can only hear the sound of the nature. Everything is so peaceful and quiet around you. You can smell the grass before the rain drops. I feel very relaxing and refreshing, a good break from those busy weekend parties. :)

Cows