Life is just like a running river. It rushes through the earth, doesn't even have enough time to pause a little so that it can smell the frangrance of the little wild flowers and enjoy the beautiful butterflies along the banks. I feel my life is out of pace right now, I want to buy some time, let it stop for me for a while, so I can think and act and gain control back of my own life.
It's my own fault to loose the control of my life, I was just being too lazy, don't want to take care of it, and let it go wherever it wants, now it's kinda out of my control, so I need to think a way to gain it back.
I feel like there are so many things in my mind, my life, my job, my relationship... My time seems always occupied, even though I don't feel like that I have accomplished anything. I read my blog from a year ago, I don't feel like I grow any wiser in the past year, my life seems staying in the same spot, I still feel like I'm wasting my precious life. I really feel the urgent to take a break and to think it through now.
What will be my future like? What will you see when you think of your future? Big house? Stable life? Interesting job? Someone you love and who loves you next to you? That's what I want, but that's not what I see. Sometime, the image of my future just flashes in front of my eyes unexpectedly, without me knowing it or thinking about it. Especially when I'm in a semi-unconscious state, like just before I fall into sleep, or sometime when I read the word "future", it will appear, like a mirage -- I saw myself standing on a big cruise, wind blows on my short hair and white wind coat. The cruise tours around the world, it goes around and around, but never stops. I know I always want to travel the world, but I feel there is something not right in the image, I don't see smile on my face, I'm standing there by myself with all the people partying around me, but I feel extremey lonely. Even though I see the world, but no one is there to share with. This image really scares me, is that the life I want? Is that the life I'll get? I hope not!
My friend asked me how far I can go to get what I want in a relationship? How much can I bear with or sacrifice in order to get it? I don't know, I don't have a clear answer. I guess as a pessimistic and passive person, I just do whatever I can until the day I cannot bear with it any more. When you are first in a relationship, you only see the happiness, if we live in a fairy tale, it will be happy ever after. Too bad I'm not Snow White or Cinderella, I have to deal with the frustration, sadess and depression. Then there will be more and more frustration, until it reaches a point that it weighs as much as the happiness, now what will you do? Give it up or hope it will turn around? Everyone will wish it turns around. Sometime even though you think you see the result, but you still want to hang on it, you just can't let it go because it will break the heart. With the time passing by, you are getting more used to it, then maybe one day, you can't bear with it any more, or you found out that love has already faded, even you say "Honey, I love you!", it's not from your deepest heart any more, it is just your daily routine. Then you think you really need to move on, but will you regret at that time because you spend so much time on something which doesn't have a future? Will you feel your life goal is getting further and further? Will you rather give it up when you think you see the result than give it up after going through all these suffering? But I know for most of people including myself, if I don't see the result clearly and vividly in front of my own eyes, it's hard to give it up, because you will always wonder whether it will turn around if you persist.
I have so many questions in my mind I don't know the solution. I was planning to go to some cemetery today and have a peaceful mind to think it through, but I didn't get the chance. I feel like I need to be alone for a while. I want to travel alone to some place, like a small town where nobody knows me and stay there for a couple of days. Maybe I can go to church and chat with the priest, listening to some totally unrelated person's opinion, he may see some important facts which I can never see myself as an insider.
I want to take a break, organize my life, learn something useful and new. I want to have an exciting, colorful and happy life, I want to have something interesting and memorable to write on my tombstone when I die. So many thoughts, how will I take action?
