Choice

The hardest thing in the world is to make a choice, because you know there is no second chance, and you never know whether the other way is better. Life is cruel, it only goes forward, you make your choice, don't ever regret it, 'cause life will never turn back for you.

There was one time; I thought I have found what I have been looking for. I was happy. Now I realized that I just live in the bubble world I build up for myself. I believe in whatever I want to believe in. All the beautiful colors in the bubble are just reflection of my imagination. Now the bubble starts to leak, shrink, the color has faded. Shall I just break it and jump out? It will be hard, my body still wants to hang on within it, still wants to believe what's in the bubble is real life. Will it ever be real?

I hate to make choice, I have made so many choices in my life, and it gets harder and harder. I wish that my life can be much simpler. I thought I had a simple happy life in my bubble, yet, only in the bubble.


Crater Lake

Am I not good enough?

Life gets really hard after certain age. Before, I always think I have a good life, a smooth life. There was never any hardship in my life; I can achieve whatever the goal I set for myself, but not any more.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up, because my mom can't give me whatever I asked for. So I always thought that if I grow up, I can get whatever I want. I seldom cried when I was a kid, even when I watched the saddest movie. I was called cold hearted in my family. I was too naive and way too immature back then, my life was too good, I didn't have any bad experience, so I cannot understand what the movie tried to tell me. But as getting older, life gets harder and harder. I found out that there are so many things I wish to have but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I guess it's fate, if it belongs to you, it will come to you by itself, you don't even need to go look for it. But if it doesn't belong to you, even you spend all your money, energy, emotion; it's still beyond your reach. I cried more often now, because I started to taste the hardship in life more often. Because there are more things I want to get but I cannot. Because life is not as smooth as I imaged before.

Maybe I'm not good enough for what I want. Maybe I'm too immature to ask for what I want.

Sometime, life is just so sad and frustrating.

Life is hard

Heaven

Heaven

It's been a year daddy
I really really miss you
Mommy says your safe now
In a beautiful place called heaven*

Oh I'm thinking about our younger years

*We had your favorite dinner tonite*

there was only you and me

*I ate it all up*

We were young and wild and free

*Even though I don't like carrots*

Now nothing can take you away from me

*I learned how to swim this summer*

We've been down that road before

*I can even open my eyes*

But that's over now

*While I'm under water*

You keep me coming back for more

*Can't you see me?*

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I started kindergarten this year*

Love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*I carry a picture of us
In my Blue's Clues lunchbox*

Oh once in your life you find someone

*You are the greatest daddy*

Who will turn your world around
Pick you up when you're feeling down
Now nothing can change what you mean to me

*I can swing on the swing by myself*

There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now

*Even though I miss you pushing me*

Cause our love will light the way

*Can't you see me?*

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I miss how you used to tickle me*

And love is all that I need

*Tickle my belly*

And I found it there in your heart

*My belly hurts*

It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*I try not to cry*

I've been waiting for so long

*Mommy says it's okay*

For something to arrive
For love to come along

*I know you don't like it when I cry*

Now our dreams are coming true
Through the good times and the bad

*You never wanted me to be sad*

I'll be standing there by you

*I try Daddy but it hurts*

Baby you're all that I want

*Is it true you're not coming home?*

When you're lying here in my arms

*Maybe someday*

I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

*I can visit you in heaven, okay?*

And love is all that I need
And I've found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

*It's time for me to go bed now
I sleep with the light on
Just in case you come home
And kiss me good night
I love you so much
I miss you Daddy*



She tried not to cry, I cried.

Parents are the only people who love you and care for you unconditionally; they are the only people you can fully rely on. They are your shelter when you get hurt outside the home; they always try to protect you even though it's your time to take care of them now. I remembered my dad once told me that no matter what happened, I can just go back to China, go home, and go to them.

Cherish what we have right now. Don't wait till we loose the most precious thing/person in the world, then regret that there are so many things we didn't do when we had chance, that there are so many words we didn't say when we had time. Life is short, cherish every moment.

High Maintainence

I was having dinner with a friend yesterday. We were chatting about relationship during dinner. And he said that girls like me (basically intelligent, humorous, attractive ... :P thanks for putting me into this category) are high maintenance. I was trying to argue with him that I'm not high maintenance. I said I don't buy brand named clothes or purses, I don't have to use the top class cosmetics, and actually I haven't been shopping for clothes for about half a year, and I don’t wear any jewelry at all. But then he explained that the kind of high maintenance for me is not materialized. Girls like me need lots of TLC (tender, love, care), we are emotional high maintenance.

I tried to argue, but I stopped myself before I started to say anything. I was thinking, yeah, I do need lots of attention from the people I care. If I’m in a relationship, I do need lots of touchy or kiss from the person I love. I like to be hugged; I like to hold hands while walking on the street. I like to hear sweet words; I like to receive flowers even there is no special occasion… In this sense, I AM a high maintenance girl.

But who is not? I think in a relationship, everyone is high maintenance. And everyone needs to be emotionally highly maintained. I like to be taken care, and I like to take care of the people I love. I like to express my love when I also know that I can get love in return. Emotion or love is the most fragile thing in the world, it just requires high maintenance.


Red Leaves

Tired

I was lying on my couch for almost 3 hours without moving much. I feel so tired today. My whole body sores from neck to feet. My heart is also very tired, and the heart beating seems to have used all the strength left in my body. I'm so tired but I don't want to sleep. I started to listen to Yiruma again, a little depressed today.

Fall @ Oregan Cave


Keep falling down
-- Sissel

I'm all alone in the rainfall
I hear my name call
I look up but there's no one around

The sky is wild
And the wind blows
I'm out my window
Trying to fly
But I keep falling down

-Chorus-
I will never have that dream again
If I do I'll just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
'till the end of time

I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down

The blinding light silhouettes me
I try to get free
So I run, but I keep falling down

-Chorus-
I will never have that dream again
If I do I just get up and then
Sure as the sun will rise
I'll be there by your side
To the end of time

And every night
I close my eyes
I hear the voices calling
Don't try to hide
Don't try to fight
It's only sleep
It's just a dream
And your not falling

I live my life, where it takes me
I'm what it makes me
I get up but I keep falling down

Half A World Away

Half A World Away
(Secret Garden)

You're half a world away
Standing next to me
It seems that everyday
I'm losing you almost invisibly
Though you are near
I can't reach that far
Across to where you are
And so you stay
Just half a world away

And I would cross the universe for you
What good would it do if you weren't even there?
'Til you return, until your way is clear
I will be here, not half a world away

You're half a world away
And no one is to blame
If love outlives its day
And turns into an ember from a flame
I love you as before
'Til worlds will be no more
'Til I can find a way
To where you stay
Just half a world away

You're half a world away

Half a world away



Which one is sadder? A couple stays together, but they don't love each other any more, or two people truly love each other, but cannot stay together?

鱼的悲哀就在于
看到了大海，
却没有办法游过去
人的悲哀就在于
看到了结果
却没有办法说服自己
去面对。

-- The grief of a fish is that
the ocean is right in front of its eyes
but it cannot embrace it

The grief of a person is that
he already knows the ending
but he cannot persuade himself to face it.



The song can be also downloaded from here.

Pingpong champion

We just hired this new guy called K a month ago. It's funny when our director introduced him to everyone. In my team, we have the tradition that all new comers need to write something about themselves for the introduction. And the director will read it out during the team all hands meeting. So on that day when the director J introduced K, he was saying that K did this and that before and for sports, K likes to play Ping-Pong. Since I'm the Ping-Pong champion in the team, when he mentioned that K plays PP, everyone was turning their head to look at me (I was sitting in the back of the conference room.) I felt very embarrassed with so many eyes on me, so I just waved my arm and said "Hi, I also play PP!" to K. Then the director continues to read that K is ready to kick somebody's ass. Then everyone was saying "wooooooo" and turned around and looked at me again. Yeah, I'd better buy some butt pad then.

So K has been here for a month now, and I haven't played with him. In Chinese, there is an idiom, 知己知彼，才能百战百胜, which means that you can only beat your opponent if you know your opponent very well. So I went to chat with him, asking him whether he plays in the table tennis club, how long he has been playing, whether he has a rank, and what kind of paddle he uses. And sadly found out that he seems a very good player. My butt started to feel pain now.

Two weeks ago, K came by saying lets play Friday afternoon. I said ok. So that Friday, I played a little with him, I think he wanted to know how I play too, so we didn't play any games. And of course, as usual, I was wearing my skirt and high heels. He is GOOD! He can return most of my smashes, and he has good backhand. After one hour hitting back and forth, plus running left and right, I got a blister on my toe. That never happened before no matter how high my heels are. So he is GOOD!

Finally, last Friday, we decided to play games. I was fully prepared, I had new rubber on my paddle, and I was wearing my tennis shoes. But he is GOOD, so I still lost. We played 4 games, and I only won one game, though the scores for all the games are very close between me and him.

Therefore, I have to give up my Ping-Pong champion title. :( Well, since the score is not that far apart, I think if I have more practice, I still have a chance to gain it back! Good luck to me!



window, shadow

When you are old

When You are Old
-- William Butler Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And, nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep.

How many loved your moments of glad grace
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountain overhead
And his face amid a crowd of stars.

New Mexico -- Go Home

July 9th, 2005

Today is the last day in New Mexico. We're going to head back to San Jose in the afternoon.

BL got up very early in the morning and took the car to next door for window repair. I went to hotel lobby to check email. Then I suddenly found out that instead of Alamo, I actually booked the car from enterprise-rent-a-car. That's why Alamo can't find our record from their database, what a joke!

After a couple of hours, BL took the car back. Except for the tape around the windshield, it looked exactly like before.

Since we still have the whole morning, we drove around Santa Fe and went to visit Santa Fe art museum. After lunch, we were on the way back to Albuquerque airport. We stopped by gas station right before the airport, filling in the gas and peeling off the tape from the windshield. Then we drove to the car rental place, the guy came to check the mileage and he looked around the car. We were so nervous, but he didn't find out anything, Phew! :P Then we happily walked away and took the shuttle to the airport, by then we had enough time to get on the plane. When we got to the airport, ready to check in, I suddenly found out that we lost one bag, which has the e-tickets information and the books BL borrowed from library. BL hurried back to the car rental place, in the mean time, I called the car rental company and asked them whether they found the bag. Luckily, the bag was found and returned to the front desk already. Then I called BL again, telling him to go to the front desk directly to get the bag. Then he called me back from there to tell me the e-tickets confirmation number. I checked in for both of us at the airport. He came back; we barely have enough time to get on to the plane.

After transferring, some delay, we finally got back to San Jose sound and safely. J and W picked us up, and we went directly to P's party. Yeah, Saturday, party night, back to normal life!

Thinking of the whole journey, there are so many things happened:
1. I left tripod and jacket in Vegas; luckily, J took them back for me.
2. We rent the wrong car. :P
3. Crackle on windshield, we had to fix it before we returned the car.
4. I lost my new bracelet.
5. We forgot the bag, and had to go back to the car rental place to pick up, almost missed the plane.
6. I lost my best collection of CDs in Vegas. I left in the rental car, and my friends forgot to pick it up for me. All my most favorite original CDs!!! :((

But still, I really enjoy the trip! I took many beautiful pictures! If I have a chance, I still want to go back to New Mexico again!


Santa Fe

New Mexico -- Taos (3)

July 8th, 2005

In front of St. Jerome Chapel


The present San Geronimo, or St. Jerome, Chapel was completed in 1850 to replace the original church which was destroyed in the War with Mexico by the U.S. Army in 1847. That church, the ruins still evident on the west side of the village, was first built in 1619. It was then destroyed in the Spanish Revolt of 1680 but soon rebuilt on the same site. St. Jerome is the patron saint of Taos Pueblo.

Ruins from the original church


During the war, the army locked hundreds of local Indians in the church and burned the church. All the people who died in the fire were buried next to the church. The church ruin then became the grave yard for local Indians.

Graveyard


The grave yard is still used today. If a local Indian dies, he/she will still be buried here with his/her ancestors. But the grave yard size is limited, so locals will take out some crosses and bury the new body in the same spot. You can see the crosses piling up by the corner of the wall in the "Ruins from the original church" picture, those are all the crosses which are taken out from the grave yard.

Waiting ...


How can people treat life like dirt? How can they just burn so many people to death? People's lives are precious. We should always cherish our lives. But some people seem not to care about a life at all. I read some news online about current college students in China. Some students just suicide because they cannot get used to the college life, because they have never lived on their own before. I feel like our education system is a big failure. They teach students how to get a high score to go to college, but don't teach any student how to be a successful human being, how to live a real life. Life doesn't just belong to ourselves, we also carry responsibilities. Life doesn't just compose of studying either, there are so many things we need to do. We need to be responsible to the people who give our lives, to the people who love and care about us. Things are always easy for the dead people, but hard for the people who need to deal with it. How can a person just be so selfish, discarding all the responsibility he/she carries on and leaving the world, leaving the people who care about him/her?

New Mexico -- Taos (2)

July 8th, 2005

Taos Indian Pueblo

I was very excited to see Indian Pueblo. I saw so many nice pictures about it from the tourist book, finally I can take my own pictures.

Indian Pueblo (I)


The Pueblo is made entirely of adobe -- earth mixed with water and straw, then either poured into forms or made into sun-dried bricks. The walls are frequently several feet thick. The roofs of each of the five stories are supported by large timbers -- vigas -- hauled down from the mountain forests. Smaller pieces of wood -- pine or aspen latillas -- are placed side-by-side on top of the vigas; the whole roof is covered with packed dirt. The outside surfaces of the Pueblo are continuously maintained by replastering with think layers of mud. Interior walls are carefully coated with thin washes of white earth to keep them clean and bright. The Pueblo is actually many individual homes, built side-by-side and in layers, with common walls but no connecting doorways.

Indian Pueblo (II)


In the earlier days, there were no doors or windows and entry was gained only from the top. And for defense purpose, the Indians use ladders to get to the second level, then get into the adobe.

Indian Pueblo (III)


The pueblo doesn't have electricity and sewer system. So right now, only about 4 or 5 families still live inside pueblo. Most of the local Indians are not living in the pueblo any more; they live outside the pueblo in more modernized area, and come back from time to time to check out the house and their business -- mostly hand crafts store.

Indian Pueblo (IV)


This is local's cooking utility. They light fire inside to bake the Indian bread.

Door, Ladder, Chili ring


Indians always have very bright color, which are reflected in their clothes, crafts, even in the pueblo. Brown, blue and red, locals just left the stuff without any intention, but to me, it's the best scene.

New Mexico -- Taos (1)

July 8th, 2005

Before the trip, BL borrowed several books about New Mexico from the library. Based on what we read or more exactly, the pictures we saw from the books, we set the places we are going to visit and planed our trip. One place we both are really interested to go is Taos.

Taos is about one hour drive north from Santa Fe. We got up pretty late that day, (well, like all the rest days), and drove to Taos around noon. Since the crack on the windshield is still growing, we drove very slowly and carefully avoided all the big trucks along the way.

First thing we did in Taos is to find a restaurant for lunch! Even today, BL still mentions that this vacation is the most relaxing vacation he ever has so far. Yeah, it is a pretty relaxing vacation. Even though all the hotels we stayed provide continental breakfast, we only had once in the hotel. The rest days, we just slept as long as we wanted and got up before noon. Then we just drove around and looked for a nice restaurant with happy music, sat in, and enjoyed our lunch!

It's no exception today! We saw this neat Indian pueblo style Mexican restaurant and went in. It has a pretty big front yard; we chose a table outside under a tree. After ordering some food, we chatted a little bit and just sat there enjoying the environment. Sun is very warm, but we were sitting in the shade, and the wind cooled us down. The air is filled with happy Mexican music, with a little episode added in by the bees. We almost forgot the time, just stayed there enjoying the food and savoring the quiet moment.

San Francisco Church (I)


We really took our time and enjoyed the food. After lunch, we went to San Francisco Church next to the restaurant.

San Francisco Church (II)


I really like the adobe structure of the church, simple, practical, and artistic. It's a really nice place to take pictures.

Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind

Finally I got to watch the movie -- Enternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind. I have wanted to watch that movie for a very long time and can't get a chance to watch it. I rent it last weekend, and watched it tonight.

I really like the movie!

Story starts when Joel found out that his girlfriend, Clementine, erased all her memory of him. So he went to the same doctor to get his memory of her erased too. The erase procedure starts to work on the most recent memory first, then traces back to the older memory little by little. In Joel's most recent memory, he and Clementine fought and hated each other, the relationship is apparently failed. Then with the procedure moves on, Joel recalls all the good memories -- how they truly love each other, how happy they were being together. Then Joel shouted it out -- "I don't want it any more!" He doesn't want the good memories go away, he tried to escape and wake up from the procedure, but he can't. Finally it came to the last memory of how they first met, he gave up on trying to keep the memory from being erased, instead, he said, "We shall just enjoy it!", he enjoyed the last piece of his memory, and then let it go.

Relationship is just like this. Two people meet, attract to each other, fall into love, expose more to each other, stay together, then get bored with each other. All the things you like about each other at first now become shortcomings you cannot bear with any more. Then you start to fight with each other and then the relationship slips down. How to keep a good relationship? This is probably the forever topic in human society. There are many books, articles piling out the things you should do or should not do, the words you should say or should not say in a relationship. They are somewhat helpful. But still, so many relationships break up. Why? I don't have an answer. If I do, I probably will stay happily and do something else right now. :)

I think emotion is like a monster, it has its own mind. It's not controlled by you even though it belongs to you. You can learn from your own experience how to tame it, but sometime, it's out of your control and does things on its own, which could jeopardize the relationship you have. And it may because of your ego or pride, you didn't patch the damage in time, then the damage gets worse, and it cannot be repaired any more, the relationship dies at the end. How should we prevent this?

And the end of the movie, Joel woke up without the memory of Clementine. He took a sick day and went to the beach, there he met Clementine again who also doesn't have any memory of him at all. They were like 2 strangers; they are still attracted to each other on the first sight. Then everything started from beginning again. But somehow they both got the record of how they erase their memory from the doctor. They listened to the cassette -- it's what they told the doctor about the person they want to erase, all the things they don't like about each other. Then they both got hurt, Clementine tried to leave Joel again. She said she can't do this, because it will all come back, she's afraid that she will feel bored with him again. Then Joel said: "So what?!"

Yeah, So What! No pain, no gain. Pain probably is like a side effect from happiness. You have to get all or nothing. But if there is no pain, how do you know that is happiness? We shall just learn from all the pains we've been through, and keep happiness more often and longer in life. Never erase a memory, you can let certain things go, but never erase the whole thing. Memory is your own treasure, no matter good or bad. You enjoy the good ones, and learn from the bad ones. You grow up and become more mature with it. Then you may get a better relationship next time. :)


Picture taken at crater lake.

I wish...

I haven't updated my blog for a very long time. I'm busy, and also lazy. I actually have written something, but don't feel like a good article, so I didn't post it. I remembered once I told a friend, I feel I can write better when I am in sad mood. When I felt sad, I can write articles with strong emotion, the words just flow out of my figures, I don't even need to think about it. Since my last post, I haven't written for almost 2 months, was I too happy in the past 2 months? Now I started to write again, is this because that I'm feeling sad again?

I still worry, worry about my future, worry about all the uncertainties in the future. I still don't know what I should do, or what is the right thing to do. I still feel like that I'm somewhat waste my precious time, that I didn't use my time wisely.

I went to a BBQ party today. When I was in the BBQ party with 40 other people, suddenly I felt so lonely; I just wanted to go home. But of course no one is waiting for me at home, I felt worse when I got home, so I went out with my friends again. It was too early for clubbing at that time, so we went to Fairmont hotel. I like the live music there on weekend. But my friends don't seem interested in it at all. So they all went to S's office and left me alone there.

Most people in Fairmont hotel are over 50 years old, and they all come in couple or in group. I sat in the corner quietly by myself, letting my thoughts flying along with the music. The guy who plays piano noticed me and smiled at me, trying to cheer me up, I smiled back to him. They started to play some cha cha music. Then this old couple came to the dance floor and started to dance. The gentleman held the lady, and led her so smoothly. She danced like she has no weight, floating all over the dance floor. All the time they were looking at each other in the eyes and smiling at each other. I feel like this is the most romantic scene I have ever seen.

There is this one famous Chinese song, which I only remember one sentence in it:
The most romantic thing in the world is to grow old with you.

I wish I can be like that old lady -- when I am 60 years old, I'll still have someone who I love and who loves me, hold me gently, lead me to dance and grow old with me day by day ... Will this be possible?

Lonely


I think I'm in a kind of sad mood right now, maybe it's just from the tequila shot I had tonight. Maybe I will feel like nothing has happened tomorrow morning, maybe I will be refreshed and happy soon. Maybe I shall just clean myself up and go to bed now. Don't think too much, have a good sleep, tomorrow is another day!

年轻的故事 2 (Another Story)

他和她是同班同学。她坐在教室的第一排，他坐在她的身后。他长着一张孩子气的脸，十分清秀。她喜欢看他笑，所以会经常和他开玩笑。他笑的时候非常腼腆，有的时候被逗急了还会脸红。他非常聪明，虽然在上课时经常看他打瞌睡，可成绩却总是名列前茅。她喜欢理科，尤其是物理，可是他们中学的物理老师水平很差，经常答不出同学问的问题来。于是她的物理都是自学的，不懂的时候有时会回家问她的父亲，不过在大多数的情况下，她还是愿意去问他，他也总是很耐心的给她解答。慢慢的她不再开他的玩笑了，听他讲问题心里也会有些紧张，她想，自己是喜欢上他了，可是不知道他是否喜欢自己。

他虽然很聪明，可是却很懒，不愿意做家庭作业，尤其是英文作业，他觉得太麻烦，虽然他在当时TOFEL就已考到了600分。她的同桌是英文课代表，总是将自己的作业借给他抄，有时干脆会帮他完成。她知道她的同桌也很喜欢他，而她在当时只是一个丑小鸭，况且班主任又总是隔三差五的申明不可以在班级中有早恋出现，因此虽然喜欢他，她也不敢有所表示。有时看到他对她的同桌也很热情，心里会有些难受，可又不知道他到底是什么态度，只能默默祈祷他也喜欢自己。

一次快要上课之前，他从门外走进教室。她和她同桌的位置正好对着大门，她的同桌撒娇的叫着好冷啊，要让他把门关上。她听了心里很不是滋味，于是也不知哪来一股气，使她就想和她同桌对着干。于是她叫起来说太热，一定要让他把门开着，想试探一下他到底会听谁的。他好像愣了2秒，这2秒对她来说好像过了两个世纪，她只能听到自己扑通扑通飞快的心跳声。然后她看到他对她腼腆的笑了一下，把门打开了。她顿时觉得心情大大的爽朗起来，于是她也回给他一个大大的笑颜。她想，他也是喜欢她的。于是她开始主动找机会和他说话。有时碰到下雨天，她就会借口没有带伞要问他借。她家离学校很远，每天要坐公共汽车回家，而汽车站在他回家的路上。于是他会一路撑着伞送她到车站。虽然一路上两人也只是谈学业，可是她还是觉得很甜蜜。他家住得离车站很近，每次在她上车时，他就会把伞塞到她手里，然后自己淋雨跑回家。

高三的课程开始紧张起来，突然有一天他退学了，因为他决定去日本留学。她非常不解，想他TOFEL考这么好，为什么要去日本，而不是像她一样考一所全国一流大学，学业完成后去美国留学。可她并没有从他那里得到任何答案。高考结束后，她如愿以偿的拿到了那所全国重点大学的录取通知书，他打电话来向她祝贺，并通知她参加毕业班的晚会。整场毕业晚会，他们都没有怎么说过话。最后快散场时，同学们都纷纷拍照留念，于是他走过来到她身边坐下，说我们也照一张吧。有同学开始起哄，可是他却很自然的把手搭在了她的肩上。照片出来了，他对着镜头笑得很开心，而她的脸却是侧对着镜头，而且脸色通红。这是他们唯一一张合影。很快他就远赴日本了。他们之间还保持着通信联系，她向他诉说大学里的新鲜事，而他则是很艰辛的在日本靠打工挣大学学费。春节期间她出了一点小意外，她也写信告诉他了。突然有一天半夜，她接到他打来的一个电话，电话两头都又激动又紧张，她也知道这样的长途话费很大，不想消耗他辛苦打工挣的钱，于是只是寥寥几句，就挂了电话。挂完电话，才觉得好像什么重要的话都没有说，心里觉得很是遗憾。后来他们也一直有信来往，但并没有谈到任何有关感情的事。直到有一次，她写信告诉他在大学里一直有不少人在追求她，想看看他有什么反应。他回了一封信，信上写到上帝会知道我们的所作所为。她不明白，回信去问，可是没有得到任何解答。于是他们之间的通信越来越少，后来只有每年一张贺卡，直到最终完全失去联系。

过了几年，她去参加中学同学的聚会，听到昔日的班长讲起他的状况，说他打工挣足了学费，在日本一所知名大学学物理。后来，她又听说，他结婚了，娶了一位日本太太，长得很像她。

Kid -- White Sands National Monument

New Mexico -- Albuquerque & Santa Fe

July 7th, 2005

Albuquerque is the capital of New Mexico. But there is really not much to visit. We had a long drive the day before, both of us got pretty tired. So we just rested in the hotel until noon. Then we went to Albuquerque old town for lunch, and found a very decent Mexican restaurant. We sat down, ordered some food, listened to the music, and had some margarita, very casual and relaxing.

Around the old town plaza, many people are selling crafts. I bought a set of necklace, bracelet and ankle-let for myself. They are made of turquoise, which looks very nice. Those people who sell the crafts are so hard to bargain with, or I'm too bad at bargaining. Anyway, I didn't even get one cent off from the original price. :(

Albuquerque Old Town Plaza


BL found another way to drive to Santa Fe from Albuquerque -- turquoise drive, which was part of the famous Route 66. It's said in the tourist guide that there is amazingly beautiful view along the road. So we just headed our way to Santa Fe after lunch. As long as we got onto highway, there was this big truck in front us, and suddenly I heard a sharp noise coming from our car windshield -- a rock hit on the windshield. I looked at the window, I didn't see anything. Then we kept driving. Suddenly Bill screamed, "S***, look at the crackle!" I was frozen on my seat; shoot, there was this index finger long crackle on the windshield. It must be from that rock. And we didn't buy any car insurance this time. :( I felt so unfair, I buy car insurance every time except for this ONE time. And there was nothing ever happened for all those times! Soooo unlucky this time! :(

We kept driving, and the crackle went from finger long to palm long, then to forearm long by the time we got to Santa Fe. And our topic on the car went from what we should visit in Santa Fe to how we are going to deal with the crackle. Since I was the one who rented the car, BL said that I should contact my credit card company to see whether they would cover this kind of situation. If they don't, we'll have to go with plan B -- fix it before we returned the car.

(I really wanted to write something about the beautiful scenery along the drive, but I can't remember how the scenery is like at all. Either the scenery is not that impressive or I spend most of the time staring at the crackle.)

Unfortunately my credit card company doesn't cover this kind of situation. So BL called several car windshield companies for quotes. Luckily, there is a window company right next to our hotel. So we decided to check it out early next morning.

Even though we were pretty upset, we still didn't want to waste our vacation. So I took a shower, changed into some nice clothes, and put on the necklace, bracelet and ankle-let which I bought from Albuquerque. Then we went to Santa Fe plaza. It’s funny that every city we’ve been to has a plaza – Las Cruces, Albuquerque and Santa Fe. And the plaza is getting better and better. Santa Fe plaza is very nice. We got there around sunset time. St Francis Cathedral stands at the end of the plaza, covered in a golden coat. It looks so beautiful and stately. I left BL rest on the bench, and walked around by myself to take pictures before sun fully set down. The buildings in Santa Fe are Adobe-style, which looks simple, but very artistic. I really like it, especially the color. Usually it has the golden wall with blue window frame or door, with red flowers by the window and door, bright and colorful, very vivid. Lots of artists move to Santa Fe to live there so that they can paint or take pictures. There are many galleries and museums around Santa Fe plaza, as well as restaurants, bars, and all kinds of shops. I was wandering around and enjoying the Adobe structure, art craft ..., and suddenly I found my new bracelet was lost! :( I have only worn it for like 30 minutes. What a day!


Santa Fe Plaza -- St Francis Cathedral

年轻的故事(A Young Story)

他每天坐92路车回家，如果正好赶上下午5点的那班车，他都会见到那个女孩。92路公共汽车的起点站是一所女校，而女孩就在那所学校就读。女孩每天都坐在同一个靠窗的座位上。他上车的那站人很多，每次他都挤在车子中央，有时也会站在女孩的座位旁。时间一久，两人都开始互相留意起对方来。女孩看上去很清秀，身体有些仟弱的样子。而他自己也还是在中学就读的学生，带一幅细黑边眼镜，书生气很足的样子。她的脸总是朝向窗外，因此他可以肆无忌惮的盯着她看。有时她好像发觉一样，会突然把头转过来，在眼神交错时，两人都会急忙将头转开。从眼角处，他会看到她脸上闪现的红晕。为了可以看到她，他每天都尽力去赶5点的那班车，有时拖着重重的书包跑得满头大汗的跳上车，挤到女孩的座位旁站着。久而久之，两人会像打招呼一样互相微笑一下，可不知为何，却从来没有讲过话。后来，他在上车时，女孩会主动接过他的书包，放在自己的膝盖上，等到他下车时再还给他。有时他挤在车子中央，女孩也会伸出纤细的手臂，费力的把他的书包从人群中拖过来放在自己的膝盖上。他下车后，会从窗口看看女孩，女孩会对他微微笑一下，点点头，好像说明天再见的样子。

后来好像是因为下午棒球队集训，他开始改乘了晚上7点的班车，因此有很长一段时间他都没有见到女孩。大约过了两个月后，集训结束，他又恢复到了以往的日程。5点的班车上，女孩还是坐在同样的位置，他看到，女孩在突然看到他的出现时，眼睛里有很亮的东西闪了一下。上车后，女孩还是照旧接过他的书包，放在自己的膝盖上。他一直站在她的座位旁，直到下车，两个人还是没有说一句话。回家后，他翻开书包，准备拿出作业来做，发见书包的夹层里有一个信封。他拿出信封，里面有一张卡片。翻开卡片，他看到女孩娟秀的字体，内容并不长，只是一般性的问候，以及有些关心地口吻问他最近为什么没有在车上出现。他翻来覆去的看着那张卡片，只觉得心中有一丝甜蜜悄悄溢满了全身。他想，也许应该约她出来了。于是他冲到贺卡店，也买了一张卡片，约女孩周日在老皇宫前见面。他小心翼翼的封好信封，并在信封上郑重的写上--“给我想见的人”，然后将信放在书包的夹层里。

第二天，他赶上了5点的班车，可是，女孩并没有在上面。第三天，第四天，女孩还是没有出现。

每天，他都会把信封拿出来检查一下，生怕把信遗失了。周五的时候，同学叫他一起去看电影，看完电影他和同学一路打闹回到家，突然发现书包忘在了电影院。等他赶回电影院去找时，书包已经不见了。他只好把家里的电话留给了电影院，很失落的回到了家。过了两天，他收到电影院打来的电话，说有人将他的书包交还了电影院。他匆忙赶到电影院拿回了他的书包。回到家，第一件事就是去看信是否还在。信还在，可是信封被人拆开了，有人偷看了他的卡片。他感觉很气愤，有一种被欺骗的感觉。信封已经不能再用了，他只好又去拿了一个新的信封，可是新的信封和卡片不配套，他总觉得心里有些不爽。但他还是每天带着信封去坐5点的车，每天都把信封拿出来检查一下。就这样又过了一段时间，信封有些磨损了，可女孩还没有出现。

一天，他还是照常上了5点的班车，女孩还是没有出现在固定的位置上。他想，也许女孩搬家了，心中觉得很是失落。可是突然，身后有一只手把他的书包抓了过去，他回头一看，女孩原来坐在对面的位置上。他问她为什么换了位置，他说她上车晚了，平日里常坐的位置已被人占了，所以只能坐在这里。这是他们第一次对话，两人还是很害羞。说完话，她又将头转向了窗外。他偷偷打量着她，她看上去很苍白，好像大病初愈的样子。一直到下车，他们都没有再说一句话。直到要下车时，他从她手里接过书包，掏出那封藏了很久的信，匆匆赛在她的手里，然后转身逃也似得下了车。下车后，他刚松了一口气，却想起信里约的见面时间早已过去，他想马上跑回窗口旁告诉女孩新的时间，可是女孩坐在车的另外一边，他看不到她。他看着车开走的背影，想只能明天再告诉她了。

第二天，女孩没有出现。那以后很久，女孩都一直没有出现。后来，他搬家了。有时，他还走回来特意去乘5点的那班车，可再也没碰上那个女孩。

Lamp.Shadow.Door -- taken in Santa Fe

New Mexico -- Las Cruces & Gila Cliff Dwellings

July 5, 2004 -- July 6, 2004

We got to Las Cruces pretty late. And we didn't know where our hotel is. We had this one paper which has our schedule printed out, such as where to visit, where to stay, etc. But we forgot to print out the hotel name in Las Cruces. We only had an address, but we didn't have a Las Cruces city map. (Yeah, AAA doesn't have Las Cruces map). BL took a look at the map when we were in White Sands National Monument, so we tried to get to the hotel based on his memory. Of course, we lost! So we had to call our friend W in California to ask for direction. After we spent so many on roaming charges, we finally found our hotel! The good thing is that there is free wireless internet in the room, hooooolaaaaa!

It felt weird that I hadn't used internet for about 5 days. Unbelievable! As soon as I got into the room, I turned on my laptop and got online. I checked my emails, chatted with my friends, browsed all the sites I usually go to, edited some of my pictures and posted them online. It feels good, like I'm back to a modern society. :P I got into the hotel room probably around 11 pm, the next time when I looked at the clock, it's over 2 am. Geeeze, I should take a shower and go to sleep then. It seems that the virtual time goes much faster than the real time. :P

There is not much to visit in Las Cruces. So we just went to its old town plaza early in the morning. It's a small square with many souvenir shops around it. We went in to look for some gifts. I bought some for my friends, BL bought some for D.

Since it's still early, so we decided to visit Gila Cliff Dwellings. From the map, we figured out that Gila cliff dwelling is just about one and half hours away from Las Cruces. So we left Las Cruses around noon, thinking we'll have plenty of time to visit there. Since we are going to stay in Albuquerque for the night, we probably still have time to stop by Truth and Consequences on the way.

After one hour's drive on highway, we started to get into the mountain. I thought we are pretty close to our destination. Then there is a big sign standing by the road, saying curvy road ahead -- prepare to take a 2 hours' drive to Gila!!! //faint But since we already drove for one hour to get this close, we think we should keep going.

We missed the tour, so we just watched the video of the introduction of Gila Cliff Dwelling and climbed up ourselves to visit. There are several rooms in the cave. But I was kind of disappointed, I thought there would have more stuffs in the cave. I was thinking something made of stone so that Indians can sleep on or sit around it, but there are only pure raw rocks, and some dried tree branches in the dwelling. There is park volunteer resting in the cave. So I asked him where I can see the pictograph the Indians left. He is very nice, and showed me around, pointing out to me all the pictographs he knows in the cave and their meanings. From the chat with him, we found out that he is actually an artist, he does oil painting. He said if we come early in the morning, when the sun rises, and the first sun ray casts into the cave, the dwelling looks amazingly beautiful. I can imagine all the scenes in my head. But unfortunately, I don't have time for that! BL asked him how far away to get back to the high way to Albuquerque. And the answer is at least 3 hours!!! We never thought the decision we made to visit here ends up with a 5 hours' mountain driving journey!!!

To save time, BL drove pretty aggressively. I was holding the safety handler all the way. Later on that night, I found out my arm felt so sore because of that. Since I cannot drive on the curvy road, (I'm really scared of that,) BL had to drive all the way out. The scenery is beautiful along the road. But no matter how good it is, you will still get bored if you look at it for 5 hours. And I started to get car sick. Finally we were out of the mountain. BL was so tired. My turn to drive, but I still had car sick, so we stopped by some gas station, he had to wait for me to finish a big ice-cream, then we hit back on the road again with me in the driver seat and him sleeping in the passenger seat.

I enjoyed the driving. While BL is sleeping, I put on some happy Mexican music and enjoyed the scenery. Sun was setting, the clouds were like fire, and the mountains along the road looked so red. I was so moved by the beautiful scene. I kept asking myself whether I should stop the car, and capture all these beautiful scenes into my camera. But I didn't want to wake BL up and the scène seemed to me too beautiful to capture. So I just kept driving and let my thoughts fly. Am I driving too fast? Am I too eager to get to the destination so that I didn't spend enough time to enjoy the scene along the way? Are all those seemingly beautiful sceneries worth to stop and take time to enjoy? How would I know it's not a waste of time?

I always feel like that life is a journey. There are many stops along the way, people have to figure out the major stops to jump out the train and spend time to enjoy their life there. Some people make mistakes to stop at those small stops, they spend much time trying to look for scenes worth of visiting, but it finally turns out there is not much there. They just waste their time. Some people see the major stop, but they think there is nothing to visit there, so they miss the most beautiful scene they can see in their life. But how will I know where to stop? How will I know when to stop?


Pray

The picture was taken at Las Cruses old town plaza. I don't know why, when I took the picture, I strongly felt like it should be black and white. To me, the halo around the head of the statue is like a thorn crown. I can feel she is suffering, I feel it with a heavy heart. I feel like I'm praying with her, praying for the end the suffering.

New Mexico -- White Sand National Monument

July 5th, 2005

Since it was so hot in New Mexico, we figured out that in order to avoid becoming a human jerky, we'd better not go to white sand national monument during the day. So we planed to get there right before sunset, so that I can take some good pictures.

White Sand National Monument is the world's largest gypsum dune field, about 275 square miles. Because of its white color, it reflects the heat, so even we walk on it during the day, it's not that hot at all. I carried a big responsibility to go to the white sand national park. My director is a big hiking fan, his plan is to go to all the national parks. So he asked me to get him a topographic map from the park. I was looking and looking in the tourist center, but I couldn't find one. So I asked for help, and was told there is no such map, because the sand dunes move about 30 feet every year by the strong and steady wind in that area.

The weather was not very good for pictures because of the heavy haze. We took the 7 PM tour, and the guide said the haze may come from the big fire nearby. BL was following the tour, I was wandering around to take pictures. But suddenly something that the tour guide said got my attention -- how do plants survive in the moving sands?

The big problem plants have in the dune field is being buried by moving sand dunes. Plants can't walk away from a dune that is starting to bury them. Most of the time the plants simply die because they can no longer get the oxygen they need once the sand has covered them. The tour guide pointed us to some small lovely pink flowers and told us that they're going to die soon. :( To Live on top of the dunes requires very special adaptations. Only a few plants are able to live very well on the sand dunes by growing faster than the dune can move, or/and holding on to the sand by building hard pedestals.

Soaptree Yucca

Yucca is one of the plants who grow faster than the sand dune moves. When it begins to get buried, the stem of the yucca starts to grow very rapidly and pushes the green leafy part above the surface of the sand. The stem can grow as much as 12" a year, and may get to be 30' tall. When you see a yucca plant on top of a sand dune, you can be sure that beneath it is a long stem that stretches all the way down through the sand.

I really admire Yucca's vitality. It must go through hundreds of generation's death and find a way of living, what a strong desire to survive! It never gives up the passion of living! Even a plant can do this, why human being always give up their passion for life and love so easily. When some people get hurt in love, they become so afraid of being hurt again, so they loose their passion for finding real love. They just lock their heart in a safety case, and throw the key in the ocean. Then they just wander around the world with an empty body and a big cold safety case. They can never open the safety case and show their heart to other people any more. I don't want to be one of those. I want to be a yucca, always holding the passion for life, even though I failed again, I will eventually find a way to grow out. Eventually I will have the most beautiful flowers over the white sand dune.

Yucca under sunset

When do we say love?

People have different interpretations of love. For some people, when they have affections for others, they call it love. For me, it's just affection, or at most, like. For some other people, they may say the word because they feel obligated, they feel they owe the love to other people, they feel like they need to say love in return. For me, it's not love at all. If I say love, it has to come from the deepest part of my heart.

I don't say the word love easily. When I say Love, it means responsibility. It means that I'm ready to give commitment. It means that I'm willing to think of the future. It means that I'm willing to take risks, willing to sacrifice for it.

Love is a process. I don't believe love on first sight. Love has to be nurtured by both people. Love has to grow through communications. People can be attracted to each other right away, people can have affection for each other right away, people can be fascinated by each other right away, but people cannot love each other right away. Love takes time. People have to understand each other well enough before they can talk about love. People have to know each other well, have to know each other's good personalities, as well as the bad habits. Only when you can accept the person as a whole, only when you can completely open your heart to each other, you can say love out.

When a person says love out to the other person, she unavoidably opens herself completely and exposes her heart directly to him; she shows him her most vulnerable side. If he is kind, he will know how to take care of her heart and may give his in return. But if he is not kind enough, he may just throw the heart on the floor and step on it. Then she needs to bear with all the pains to pick up the broken heart and put it back into her body, and then spend a long time to recover. So when we say love, we have to be very careful, we have to make sure he/she is the right person, or at least a kind person.


Hope